vassago

ty sweety. i really hope that your past will stop haunting u . i have someone from my past that was really verbably abusive towards me who still seems to slip into my mind or my dreams at times. i fucking hate it cause he had a way of really making me hate myself so i would turn to drugs to numb it. i felt so alone and like there was no way to escape . even now that i'm married and in another state he still haunts me to the point of where i can't eat or sleep. the one thing that he did that i thought was just right out cruel was fucking with me and my head when i was in my states of depression. it just really hurt knowing that he was making fun of me for being cyclothemic. he would be like u can't even get that right instead of just being bi polar u have to be border line bi polar or this cyclothemic thing they say u have. one of these days he will be out of my mind and dead to me. it's good to hear that things are getting a little better for u. take care of yourself sweety.

i'm sorry i didnt call until today, i hope you had a nice birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

hehehehe you're very welcome. i'm not looking forward to mine the big 30.

[Edited on Jun 19, 2004 10:04AM]

I am shutting down, and I wont make it long for that.
But, really, I am sure it is my fault. Don't blame yourself for what they are doing. sometimes friends have a hard time dealing with a friends recovery. I learned that when my friends stopped calling and coming to see me . I don't know u , but I worry about u. i feel your pain .
I'm feeling a lot better then what i was. found out that i'm pregnant again and it has brought some happiness into my life. i was really depressed and blaming myself for my miscarriage , even though it wasn't my fault. but still , i couldn't stop blaming myself for it. as for cutting i have to rethink things before i feel the urge to do it and remember that cutting at this time in my life wouldn't be a healthy decision . i have to think about staying healthy for me and the baby. i was going to cut on sunday , but something inside stopped me , then when i got the news on monday i decided that i'm going to focus myself and all of my energy on this pregnancy and pray to every god and goddess that i can think of that i wont miscarry again. these last couple of months have been hell for me , but i think things are going to be getting better. i don't feel like a total fertitily fuck up anymore .
Im actually detoxing from methadone and struggling against this all.. and doing it alone, and it fucking terrifies me. you're not alone i'm here for u. u have a new friend that may be miles away and online, but does give a shit . my husband and i should be making a trip out to detroit soon. we should hang . i wish there was something i could do to make u happy and rid u of some of your pain. next time u feel like cutting write something in my journal instead, and i will do the same.

[Edited on May 26, 2004 3:30AM]

....... A Friend....

(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up on you

(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over

(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life

(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits


(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you

(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality

I don't know you but I can definitely empathize with your situation.

things are really really bad here and i'm trying not to turn back to old habits of numbing myself and pain. my uncle is in some deep shit and i'm at a loss of how i should feel or deal with it. it's pretty bad. nothing to do with drunk driving , drugs, or killing someone, but it's up there. i'm really wanting to go back to my habits of ridding myself from the pain , but it would hurt too many people. i thought this might help since u can understand what's it's like to want to numb pain . (My body ached for heroin) it scares me to say this but mine is aching for it now. was thinking of adding some new scars to my body , find a place that i haven't played with yet.

thunderstorms are fun except when your dog is afraid of them and ruins it by barking his head off.

Thunderstorms make me happy. Unfortunate that we rarely get them in California.

do you really blame me? you have abandoned me for someone i warned you about since the first day we met her. i've had things happen to me in the past year that have been as bad as if not worse that was happened to you and you'd know this if you'd return phone calls .... but whatever. it's still reduced to replying back and forth here & i don't even care. life is what it is, and it's not this bad. it's actually pretty good you just need to recognize that.

pfft i offered you a lot more than she did and i never have betrayed or intentionally hurt you... i'm not sure ive even unintentionally hurt you ... and you still spend more energy on her. thats why im not part of this anymore. im a very loyal person if it's reciprocated and it has not been. since last February, i hope things work out for you, i really do, maybe the person i used to know will reappear.

ive looked at the bigger picture, for over a year now. when are you going to consider me?

i miss you too. i thought you were going to try and visit me out here? i'd like to make a trip to Detroit for a weekend. i miss all of my old friends...

kisses