Maria Bamford. There are a lot of great comics who label themselves "alternative comics," and then there are those who are just excessively weird to cover for the fact that they aren't funny. She falls into the latter category.

Also, any one of those fucking redneck comedians. Larry the Cable Shitbag and all that. The exception is Ron White. He's actually funny.

Also also, I'm surprised how many times I've seen Chris Rock and Amy Shumer in this thread.

Death Star. It's practically a planet. And I'd be Vader's boss. (I'd have him guarding that exhaust port 😜)

Runners-up:

The Tardis. Time travel? Yes please. And the Doctor did have top notch copilots.

The Galactica. A flying palace. With a hot tub. And Cassiopeia. 'Nuff said.

I'd have to say the Enterprise D. It was built with long term space travel in mind. 6 holodecks, around 2 dozen holosuites, a 4 deck high and 1/5th mile wide arboretum (grass, hills, trees, rivers, lakes, and waterfalls), fitness gyms, countless arenas for various sporting activities, and there's a bar on just about every deck. Plus 90% of the ships functions are automated so you wouldn't need much of a crew. In fact you could probably control the entire ship on your own by computer. Plus, it can hold up to 18,000 people so you could take your family, all your friends, everyone they know and possibly everyone they know too. :D