This past Monday was my 10th anniversary of being a suicide girl. I spent the entire day (and more than the past week) in agonizing pain.
10 years ago, I felt so much better than I do these days. I still had to force myself to get out and do the things I needed and wanted to do, but everyone, including myself, thought I was just lazy. The pain was all in my head. Now these days, I long for that freedom - as restricting as it was to me then - but all I can do is lay around and wish I could have at least one day like that back.
Once a month, my medications run out. My doctor doesn't seem to understand that a person with chronic pain cannot survive on just 30 pills twice a day if needed (of course, I need more than that), so there's always a gap between when I see more medication. The weirdest shit is that the meds that help the most, and the ones that aren't addicting or damaging, are the ones my doctor decides to restrict. Every fucking month, I need her to write me a new prescription for them, and oh, hey, she only works like twice a week, so I'm lucky if I can catch her to get them refilled. And of course, payday is at the end of the week, so by the time I can afford my meds, she's gone for the rest of the week, so I spend entire weekends in bed crying.
I do what I can to hide it, but then I have breakdowns like I am now. "I'm stronger than this," I keep telling myself, but I know day by day that's becoming a gross lie. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I don't want anyone to know that I can't walk at all some days, that I can't use stairs much anymore, so I just stay in my bed, and that I'm too sick on days like this to even make myself a microwave meal. So I don't. I pretend I'm not hungry, even though every single day, I am starving. So I convince myself that at least I won't get fat from being so sedentary.
Having been denied any source of help earlier this month has killed my drive to even try anymore... I'm so defeated, and everyone else in my life is busy with other things, so I stay helpless. I feel like my head gets snapped off if I even hint at needing help, and getting someone to actually do something for me without forgetting about anything I need never happens.
I will forever be the one forgotten because of this disease...
Life's just not fair.
