so where did i run off to you may ask? i spent sunday in icu at wmmc under suicide watch and the next three days in a mental health facility in kansas city. what brought me to icu? well lets be honest, and i mean brutally honest. i don't want your pity so if you find yourself thinking to that tune you can fuck off....
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voodooapple30:
Oh girl, you are sooo young.. being 29 and having the same problem i hate to see it in such a young person.. I have BPD. i just cut. i am doing bad.. realy bad. but i like reading your journals.. hang in there! 
i didn't bother doing this last night because frankly i was exhausted. from what? not from work or shopping with my mom, or anything really, i just was tired as hell. i feel like i put so much of myself out there and get nothing in return, with the exceptions of sadness and anger. i am seriously considering going back to the hospital. i've been...
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alexstar6:
Smile.
When you are alone, when no one can see you. In the dark, in your bed.
Smile.
When the only person who will know about it is you.
When you are alone, when no one can see you. In the dark, in your bed.
Smile.
When the only person who will know about it is you.
it is beautiful outside tonight. i'm sweating, i feel sick. blue october-hate me, listen to it. good song. just heard it on the radio. the radio is not a good friend. we have a new vocabulary term today children : borderline personality disorder. look that one up and report back to me. i spilled my coke from wendy's on the carpet. i'm tired. everyone is...
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alexstar6:
I want to tell you to relax, and chill out a bit, but that seems kind of insensitive. I want to tell you to look at the bright side of things, but that seems kind of rude.
I want to tell you that eventually everything will be alright, and you will most definitely look back on these days and learn things about yourself that you never knew. However, I would be kind of a dick if I said something like that.
What I will tell you is that, I, and probably a lot more people than you know, for some inexplicable reason, care about you. Though I refuse to pity you, I will always try to give you a measure of support.
Have a good day.
I want to tell you that eventually everything will be alright, and you will most definitely look back on these days and learn things about yourself that you never knew. However, I would be kind of a dick if I said something like that.
What I will tell you is that, I, and probably a lot more people than you know, for some inexplicable reason, care about you. Though I refuse to pity you, I will always try to give you a measure of support.
Have a good day.
i have had the white stripes' denial twist in my head all fucking day. work was complete and total crap, busy as fuck. made bank though. came home and slept until my mom called at fiveish. went to dinner with her. see my shrink in lees summit tomorrow, not looking forward to it. well i am but am not at the same time. i wish...
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im not going to write for the millionth time how bad i feel or how much the situation i am in sucks because you have heard it all before. so press the repeat button if you just have to hear it. i fear everything.
alexstar6:
"Nothing is so wretched or foolish as to anticipate misfortunes. What madness it is to be expecting evil before it comes."
- Seneca
"I always have a fallback position, whenever I take a risk: If all else fails, I'll die horribly, at great length, in great pain. Mind you, it's not a good fallback position..."
- Walter Slovotsky
- Seneca
"I always have a fallback position, whenever I take a risk: If all else fails, I'll die horribly, at great length, in great pain. Mind you, it's not a good fallback position..."
- Walter Slovotsky
and im not making it any better, but i can't make it worse. and it's all over the floor all this shit that i have tossed around carelessly. and given the opportunity to stop fucking up, i will chose to fuck up because i am fucked up. and i'm going to spare you the details of my life story or what my shrink thinks may...
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alexstar6:
Sad... Perhaps some Yamamoto Tsunetomo to cheer you up.
"There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. But doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, thouhg you will still get the same soaking. This understanding extends to everything."
"Be true to the thought of the moment and avoid distraction. Other than continuing to exert yourself, enter into nothing else, but go to the extent of living single thought by single thought."
Words are little comfort, but sometimes they are the only comfort that can be offered...
"There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. But doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, thouhg you will still get the same soaking. This understanding extends to everything."
"Be true to the thought of the moment and avoid distraction. Other than continuing to exert yourself, enter into nothing else, but go to the extent of living single thought by single thought."
Words are little comfort, but sometimes they are the only comfort that can be offered...
tilpacer:
I think you just need a good laugh... Let's see what I have in my joke bag... yeah, I have a joke bag...:
How do you make a baby float?
Take one scoop of baby, one scoop of vanilla ice cream and add root beer.
Get well.
How do you make a baby float?
Take one scoop of baby, one scoop of vanilla ice cream and add root beer.
Get well.
i have done everything i know how to do to make myself feel better, without being self-destructive. and none of it has worked worth a damn. i am just wrecked tonight, and bored and lonely. maybe tonight should be one of those nights where i just lay on the couch til i pass out. i miss my pooka.
tilpacer:
Aww... Hang in there. Things will get better.
Have a great day!
Have a great day!
at this moment i have a route 44 chery-vanilla dr. pepper and an orange cream slush sitting on my desk. i had the craving. joe's going away party was tonight, i stayed for half of it. amy's video was so well put together that i don't think there was a single person watching it that didn't think to themselves, "damn, i can't believe we have...
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tilpacer:
YAY! Big comfy couches!
You could always make a plan for world domination. That usually keeps my mind of things. Or lots for games. Just focus on the game, the rest just goes away, I find it very relaxing.
Have a super day!
You could always make a plan for world domination. That usually keeps my mind of things. Or lots for games. Just focus on the game, the rest just goes away, I find it very relaxing.
Have a super day!
so i didn't write yesterday because we went over to ethan's and hung out until late and i had work in the morning. had to be in to work at eight. so i set the alarm for 7:15, i must have woke up and shut the alarm off because i fell back to sleep for another fifteen minutes. lucky for me i slept in my...
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tilpacer:
The robots are AWESOME!!! I don't see why anyone would not like them.
When I see a train leaving, I usually just scan it for people I recognize. If I see someone, I wave in hopes that they will see me and wave back. I haven't seen anyone I know yet, but I will wave when I do.
You have some more great rest there, and have yourself a wonderful day!
I don't see why anyone would not like them.
When I see a train leaving, I usually just scan it for people I recognize. If I see someone, I wave in hopes that they will see me and wave back. I haven't seen anyone I know yet, but I will wave when I do.
You have some more great rest there, and have yourself a wonderful day!
ah, post shower bliss. i am squeaky fucking clean. got a haircut, i have a mohawk but i couldn't bear to have it shaved to the skin on the sides so it's fuzzy on the sides to keep it looking fem. it's pretty sweet lookin'. tomorrow is tattoo day, double woot. on saturday we are having dinner with cassie and clint. i think we are...
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tilpacer:
Awww... Sorry to hear that you are sooo bored. 
Yeah, I enjoy a good shower every now and again. I am a complete water rat. I love water.
Have a great tattoo day tomorrow.
Yeah, I enjoy a good shower every now and again. I am a complete water rat. I love water.
Have a great tattoo day tomorrow.
so found an almost exact replica of the wedding ring i want to have someday at goodys for ten dollars, super sweet. this is my placeholder ring. i got a set of plastic drawers to put my makeup in, i filled them. and also filled another small box with all my brushes and other beauty creating items. speaking of beauty, i have less money that...
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i don't hate everything, but i do have a passionate dislike for a few things this evening. work was ok, i'm still a lousy waitress. bought this cute shirt last night that reads "don't trust me," its awesome. looked at bunch of scarification pictures last night, it almost made me sick. some of the pictures were pretty grisly looking. uh. my super red hair seems...
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