pudding

i have had the white stripes' denial twist in my head all fucking day. work was complete and total crap, busy as fuck. made bank though. came home and slept until my mom called at fiveish. went to dinner with her. see my shrink in lees summit tomorrow, not looking forward to it. well i am but am not at the same time. i wish my fucking phone would ring, no one calls me anymore. doing dishes, i hate doing dishes, even though we have a dish washer. got a new lip gloss, it's a beautiful bronze, very sheer and natural looking. trying to organize the apartment a little, it was a fucking mess, it is now controlled chaos. i go back to my regular work schedule next week which is good, this week sucked. the radio has become my best friend. called my dad, it's his birthday, he's getting to be an old man. he's thirty nine. it was nice to hang out with my mom for a bit. she calms me down, but after too long i begin to feel guilty for being such a time leach. my tattoos are healing up nicely, very minimal scabbing. got the jewelry changed in my lip last night. this bar is shorter so the balls on the ends are flush with my mouth, looks much better. got a burt's bees sampler thing, nothing will fascinate me and comfort me more than cosmetics and skincare. i need to call that guy on base about getting my id and enrolling for insurance. must also take care of all the bills and such. must get new checks. my to do list is pretty fucking long. i keep expecting joe to walk through the door at any minute, i am in denial. i don't want to drive all the way up to lees summit but that is the soonest i could get an appointment. i am slowly losing it. i have actually considered going back to the hospital, but that thought was momentary. went to the country kitchen with ethan. had a great time, that was the most i have laughed in a long while. got a coffee pot, one of those little four cup deals and a couple of different kinds of coffee to try. i am attempting to take up smoking again, but i have the feeling this will only last a couple weeks just like it did last time. really i am just fishing for bad habits. i already bite my nails. don't judge me.