I'm still here.....
Not a big surprise though. Death rarely comes to those who ask for it. Regained my ability to hate. I was beginning to think that it was lost forever. I function at a good 75% although the fires that once raged within me are still dead. She can't even look at me....her cowardice sickens me to the very core of my soul and yet I still love her. I feel as though I have dishonored myself in some manner and that I should take the necessary steps to regain that honor. Necessary steps being ritual self termination via Sepuku. Yet even in death I would achieve no solace. Its difficult to adhere to the decision I have made concerning spirituality. To renounce that choice however would be a slap in the face to one of the most honorable men that I know and would only make me a crap out. Every time I think of this whole cluster fuck situation I sound like a crying child. Everything I read says I should be grateful because I have what I need. Hard to be grateful with no job, no income, no books for college and my very spirit impaled and disemboweled. The way I feel about it now is this. I blame 3 people for what I am going through right now.
#1- Myself: All I had experienced before this should have better prepared me. Instead like a fool I tried to care about someone who didnt give a damn about anyone but herself. I brought it on myself and now I am unworthy of the peace that is death. What makes the situation even more revolting is that I have come to the realization that I will always love her and I dont think anything will ever change that. I coiuld try really hard but it would kill me in the process.
#2- Her: Cowardice is not an excuse. If you love a person you tell them the truth no matter what. Fear isnt an excuse. If she didnt feel the same anymore she should have had the guts to tell me. How can you make love to someone and look into there eyes and tell them you love them?!? Fine if she didnt love me anymore. Its not like I havent heard that before. She could have at least had the decency to tell me straight up. I always extended that courtesy. But I refer to #1 because Its my fault for loving a dishonorable coward.
#3- DanStanley: As far as I am concerned at this point that motherfucker may as well have fired a Goddamned napalm at me. He knew all the disfunctions and all the shit and still sent her in my direction. He could have dated her but all he was planning was to get some head out of her. He knew that he wasnt gonna put up with her bullshit but rather than warn me, he sent a smart bomb right in my direction. Again its my fault for trusting a Neo-Nazi who tries to pass himself off as a "Liberal Conservative". I'm not gonna say he wasnt cool at times but the scales dont tip in his favor.
Here I thought the golden age of my college carrer was impecable and the entire time I was surrounded by vipers. I shouldnt make it sound like there werent good times because there were but again when the scales come into play, it should have been obvious to me that I needed to run like Hell. I'm a fool for trying to see the good in people. Friends say that its a good quality but I dont buy that BS. All that and what do I have to show for it? I'm 7 pounds underweight, pissing my junior year of college straight to Hell, and bound to alot of things that I dont wanna be bound to. You try to show people that you arent like everyone else and you still get stereotyped. I hate humanity with an evil passion. I've learned to forgive and from what I understand, God is supposed to bring good from it. Somehow though I feel he's a little to busy wreaking his devine retribution on me. And I'm not allowed to complain 'cause that will just piss him off even more and make me look like a spoiled brat. Well sorry, I'm not perfect. I detest injustice and this is injustice of the highest caliber. If i wasnt supposed to be with her forever then she didnt need to be brought into my world. She was everything I could have ever hoped she would be. I was happy for the first time in a while. Now its like I'm being told that she was just a faximile of what I want. No matter how I slice it I'm the villian even though I commited no crime. All I have left is my honor. I dont even have that passion to defy and rebel like I once did. I'm just an old man trapped in a young mans form. I dont even know why I'm typing this. I'm just as bad as she is. Only focused on my own suffering.....only difference is that my anguish is not self imposed...... There isnt a good outcome. Wanting something only makes me a spoiled child and I'm tired of hearing that because I dont think what I am hoping for is unreasonable but at this point I just want to be comfortable with being on my own.....................
Not a big surprise though. Death rarely comes to those who ask for it. Regained my ability to hate. I was beginning to think that it was lost forever. I function at a good 75% although the fires that once raged within me are still dead. She can't even look at me....her cowardice sickens me to the very core of my soul and yet I still love her. I feel as though I have dishonored myself in some manner and that I should take the necessary steps to regain that honor. Necessary steps being ritual self termination via Sepuku. Yet even in death I would achieve no solace. Its difficult to adhere to the decision I have made concerning spirituality. To renounce that choice however would be a slap in the face to one of the most honorable men that I know and would only make me a crap out. Every time I think of this whole cluster fuck situation I sound like a crying child. Everything I read says I should be grateful because I have what I need. Hard to be grateful with no job, no income, no books for college and my very spirit impaled and disemboweled. The way I feel about it now is this. I blame 3 people for what I am going through right now.
#1- Myself: All I had experienced before this should have better prepared me. Instead like a fool I tried to care about someone who didnt give a damn about anyone but herself. I brought it on myself and now I am unworthy of the peace that is death. What makes the situation even more revolting is that I have come to the realization that I will always love her and I dont think anything will ever change that. I coiuld try really hard but it would kill me in the process.
#2- Her: Cowardice is not an excuse. If you love a person you tell them the truth no matter what. Fear isnt an excuse. If she didnt feel the same anymore she should have had the guts to tell me. How can you make love to someone and look into there eyes and tell them you love them?!? Fine if she didnt love me anymore. Its not like I havent heard that before. She could have at least had the decency to tell me straight up. I always extended that courtesy. But I refer to #1 because Its my fault for loving a dishonorable coward.
#3- DanStanley: As far as I am concerned at this point that motherfucker may as well have fired a Goddamned napalm at me. He knew all the disfunctions and all the shit and still sent her in my direction. He could have dated her but all he was planning was to get some head out of her. He knew that he wasnt gonna put up with her bullshit but rather than warn me, he sent a smart bomb right in my direction. Again its my fault for trusting a Neo-Nazi who tries to pass himself off as a "Liberal Conservative". I'm not gonna say he wasnt cool at times but the scales dont tip in his favor.
Here I thought the golden age of my college carrer was impecable and the entire time I was surrounded by vipers. I shouldnt make it sound like there werent good times because there were but again when the scales come into play, it should have been obvious to me that I needed to run like Hell. I'm a fool for trying to see the good in people. Friends say that its a good quality but I dont buy that BS. All that and what do I have to show for it? I'm 7 pounds underweight, pissing my junior year of college straight to Hell, and bound to alot of things that I dont wanna be bound to. You try to show people that you arent like everyone else and you still get stereotyped. I hate humanity with an evil passion. I've learned to forgive and from what I understand, God is supposed to bring good from it. Somehow though I feel he's a little to busy wreaking his devine retribution on me. And I'm not allowed to complain 'cause that will just piss him off even more and make me look like a spoiled brat. Well sorry, I'm not perfect. I detest injustice and this is injustice of the highest caliber. If i wasnt supposed to be with her forever then she didnt need to be brought into my world. She was everything I could have ever hoped she would be. I was happy for the first time in a while. Now its like I'm being told that she was just a faximile of what I want. No matter how I slice it I'm the villian even though I commited no crime. All I have left is my honor. I dont even have that passion to defy and rebel like I once did. I'm just an old man trapped in a young mans form. I dont even know why I'm typing this. I'm just as bad as she is. Only focused on my own suffering.....only difference is that my anguish is not self imposed...... There isnt a good outcome. Wanting something only makes me a spoiled child and I'm tired of hearing that because I dont think what I am hoping for is unreasonable but at this point I just want to be comfortable with being on my own.....................