I dont use this thing often but this will be an exception. After everything I did, all I said and showed it wasn;t enough.
Apparently it wasnt even deserving of a legit explanation. And to make matters even worse I was replaced by a walking pile of narrowminded southern baptist trash. So she can go and test the goddamned water. What the Hell am I supposed to do? I've known since I was a child that this world is all about suffering, but this is just too damn much. I have spent many nights asking and begging for answers. What the Hell did I do to deserve this? I;d really like to know so I could at least apologize for it. Why is it that I have to be one of a handful of men left in this realm that actually respect women and treat them like people yet I constantly get emotionaly eviscerated. Am I not allowed to have a hard time once in a while? How am I supposed to recover from this?!? I'll never understand it as long as I live. I wasnt looking for anyone. I was content to be on my own and then she apppeared. I gave up on her 5 damn times but everytime I did something in me said to keep trying and she proved to be worth every second. Similar enough to myself for us to get along but different enough for things to still be interesting. A woman who dressed modestly and still managed to be sexy.A woman who wasnt under the control of alchohol or drugs. A woman who wasn't corrupted by the stupidity that infects 97% of the southeast Bible belt. A woman who actually played video games old school and current. Not Just RPG's and racing games at that. And amazingly enough, a woman who still retained that little piece of innocence that most girls take for granted. But above all of that and perhaps the most important factor of all......a woman who fought for me. She fought her parents, racist and ignorant college students and even friends if it came to it. Every quality I have longed for since I was 14 and it all gets fucked to Hell because shes afraid of confrontation and conflict. Because she hasnt fully matured. The one time I dont have to deal with racist assholes and this shit happens. I would fight the world for her. I stood by her side constatntly and unwavering through all the crap. From the diet pills to the self mutilation to the self hatred I was there for it all. It obviously wasnt good enough because I didnt even get a decent explanation. I had to pull teeth to get my info and it didnt make it any better. Now there isnt anything left. I'm not even a living thing anymore. I'm the equivilent of the undead. I dont care about anything anymore. Things that used to interest me hold nothing anymore. Even my beloved TRANSFORMERS are just shodows of a past life now. I dont even care about finishing school now. The only reason for doing so is so that I can leave this wretched state and acquire my own little corner of Hell somewhere. I just want it to stop. I feel humiliated and ashamed. I can barely get out of the bed in the morning. And I'm sick of people saying "you never know whats around the corner". To hell with that expression. I dont wanna go through this again. There isnt anything left to give. I wont start looking and I dont plan on dating ever again. Its just not right. Its bad enough I have to compete with men and women in this day and age but to be shown that which I have longed for ever since my initial evolution and then watch it taint before my very eyes and fall into the grasp of a right wing baptist fratboy........I cant win. The only people who win are the pretty Bush loving white people. Sometimes it seems like God only loves the white people too. Maybe I am overexageratting but at this point the memories rip me asunder a thousand times a day. My faith is broken, my will to fight is gone and my will to live is dead. I honestly dont see myself lasting much longer at my current rate. I know that no human being needs another human being to live and that I can live without any other person at my side. But its hard to think that way when you have believed for the longest time that having someone to love will be the closest to Heaven that you'll ever get. I just want it to go away. The dreams, the memories, all of it,,,,,,just go away..............
Apparently it wasnt even deserving of a legit explanation. And to make matters even worse I was replaced by a walking pile of narrowminded southern baptist trash. So she can go and test the goddamned water. What the Hell am I supposed to do? I've known since I was a child that this world is all about suffering, but this is just too damn much. I have spent many nights asking and begging for answers. What the Hell did I do to deserve this? I;d really like to know so I could at least apologize for it. Why is it that I have to be one of a handful of men left in this realm that actually respect women and treat them like people yet I constantly get emotionaly eviscerated. Am I not allowed to have a hard time once in a while? How am I supposed to recover from this?!? I'll never understand it as long as I live. I wasnt looking for anyone. I was content to be on my own and then she apppeared. I gave up on her 5 damn times but everytime I did something in me said to keep trying and she proved to be worth every second. Similar enough to myself for us to get along but different enough for things to still be interesting. A woman who dressed modestly and still managed to be sexy.A woman who wasnt under the control of alchohol or drugs. A woman who wasn't corrupted by the stupidity that infects 97% of the southeast Bible belt. A woman who actually played video games old school and current. Not Just RPG's and racing games at that. And amazingly enough, a woman who still retained that little piece of innocence that most girls take for granted. But above all of that and perhaps the most important factor of all......a woman who fought for me. She fought her parents, racist and ignorant college students and even friends if it came to it. Every quality I have longed for since I was 14 and it all gets fucked to Hell because shes afraid of confrontation and conflict. Because she hasnt fully matured. The one time I dont have to deal with racist assholes and this shit happens. I would fight the world for her. I stood by her side constatntly and unwavering through all the crap. From the diet pills to the self mutilation to the self hatred I was there for it all. It obviously wasnt good enough because I didnt even get a decent explanation. I had to pull teeth to get my info and it didnt make it any better. Now there isnt anything left. I'm not even a living thing anymore. I'm the equivilent of the undead. I dont care about anything anymore. Things that used to interest me hold nothing anymore. Even my beloved TRANSFORMERS are just shodows of a past life now. I dont even care about finishing school now. The only reason for doing so is so that I can leave this wretched state and acquire my own little corner of Hell somewhere. I just want it to stop. I feel humiliated and ashamed. I can barely get out of the bed in the morning. And I'm sick of people saying "you never know whats around the corner". To hell with that expression. I dont wanna go through this again. There isnt anything left to give. I wont start looking and I dont plan on dating ever again. Its just not right. Its bad enough I have to compete with men and women in this day and age but to be shown that which I have longed for ever since my initial evolution and then watch it taint before my very eyes and fall into the grasp of a right wing baptist fratboy........I cant win. The only people who win are the pretty Bush loving white people. Sometimes it seems like God only loves the white people too. Maybe I am overexageratting but at this point the memories rip me asunder a thousand times a day. My faith is broken, my will to fight is gone and my will to live is dead. I honestly dont see myself lasting much longer at my current rate. I know that no human being needs another human being to live and that I can live without any other person at my side. But its hard to think that way when you have believed for the longest time that having someone to love will be the closest to Heaven that you'll ever get. I just want it to go away. The dreams, the memories, all of it,,,,,,just go away..............