Being Self-dependant : The 39 Week 14 Round Up/Update +1 [T39W14RU/U +1]
Self-dependence.
Since my early teens (if not earlier), I did things on my own - the initial reasons for which I will not delve into.
When one considers the things that bring me the most enjoyment, they too are "independent" things : cinema, music, and other arts - even the awful poetry and rare art I create are... quite singular.
90% of films I've gone to I've gone alone
concerts - well, I've been to very few unless you count ones I was at as a volunteer worker, so that's an aberration... nonetheless listening to music is a singular thing as well.
I will be the first to admit that since I've spent nearly my whole life just up and "doing things," no planning, on my own that I don't consider inviting others along...
of course, a part of that is that I DON'T plan my excursions ahead of time so if the person isn't already there, it's a little late to invite them when even *I* didn't know I'd be going.
Self-dependant.
I am VERY dependant... upon myself.
Since my mid-teens I've worked, at first simply so I could actually DO things.
I wasn't raised in an environment of "getting" things, you had to earn them. There was no "allowance" for me like other kids I'd known, so - yes - I spent what I earned frivolously (usually on snacks, actually).
I learned early that if you want a "life" (as in, more than just to "live"), you have to work for it.
You can't expect help or hand-outs - and I admit as well that this put a sense of "Pride" into me that's gotten me in trouble by NOT asking for help when I could've used it.
Nonetheless I survived... somehow.
At my weakest point(s) in life, I spent YEARS dealing with issues by drinking... heavily.
Even *I* wonder sometimes how I got through - I paid all my bills on time, had more than enough food to eat, and yet spent hundreds a night on alcohol while being paid a pittance, at best.
I guess I was just lucky?!
Yes, I (somehow) ended up with friends in the times between - some of which are long gone, some of which I haven't seen in decades, and others... those precious others... that I still seldom see but mean so much to me.
Even being self-dependant you need friends.
My "independence" has - QUITE often - been misconstrued as being anti-social...
I'll be the first to say that I do have quite a bit of "social anxiety" ... around strangers.
*IF* I know you, then by gods you'd probably wish I'd shut up - or at least be a little bit more "normal." (I'm guessing here, of course, since my friends do seem to welcome me back - for SOME reason)
but if I don't know you - or the majority of people where we are - I'm going to be the guy whisping from corner to corner...
due to being naturally energetic I can't stand to stay in one spot for too long, but I can usually make my way through a crowd largely undetected to my next "hiding" spot.
I've had roommates that I've driven nuts because I'd just "up and go," whether they were home or not.
most have assumed that, being roommates - and quite often, friends -, I'd invite them with me.
it may sound sad/harsh to say, but it honestly doesn't cross my mind, being so used to just "doing."
...and that leads to the fact that (drumroll please...) I must be anti-social.
I must admit as well that, now living many, many miles from the majority of my friends for nearly 12yrs, my "social anxiety" has increased several-fold.
...it DOESN'T help that I've had broken teeth for more than a few years now and society has become VERY physically oriented.
On a monthly basis I'll have a random convo with a random person on the street/in a store/etc. and all will be going VERY well... until I happen to laugh or smile.
You'd be AMAZING how quickly the conversation is over... even in mid-sentence, sometimes, they're just suddenly... GONE. Other side of the road, around a corner, out of sight...
and, should I happen to see them again at some point in the future, a glance and a turn away... *sighs*
Sadly, you DO get used to it... it just blows goats, to say the least.
What makes this feel all the worse is that I actually WAS comfortable enough to HAVE the convo in the first place and relaxed enough to dare a smile or a laugh.
Fucking humans.
"Independent"
I don't actually like the word, preferring "self-dependence."
it reminds me that, nowadays especially, I spent too much time IN instead of OUT.
...when I lived in smaller areas I could get virtually ANYwhere within an hour, to do nearly ANYthing that came to mind.
now that I live in the Cities, well... the closest places can take me up to an hour to GET to - other places I'd like to go would be a couple hours or more of walking.
...and this IS Minnesota weather, we're talking about, and areas inbetween aren't exactly "kosher" for walking through (some not even during the daytime).
SO I spent a lot more time IN - of course, I have my cinema (DVDs) and music (CDs) to keep me wonderfully distracted... but it's not the same, to say the least.
I do get invites out... but IF they are someplace I COULD get to without needing a change of clothes when I get there, it's usually a weekend I have my daughters.
Now, mind you, that is NOT a bad thing - I LOVE my daughters, they are THE most important thing in my life.
...but when the second-most important thing in your life is friends and you're lucky to see more than two once a year...
yeh, that sounds pathetic, even I admit.
ANYways...
when you see a lone stranger that may look just a little "shell-shocked" or you see someone that always seems to be at a theatre or eating out alone...
don't be afraid to say "Hi."
it may be someone like me who's just a little unused to starting the conversation or initiating the "first move," someone who loves meeting new people.
and don't assume because they appear "a little damaged" (broken teeth, whathaveyou) that they've got problems.
it may be someone like me who simply can't afford (yet) to get the issue fixed and the issue(s) may be due to something that just... happened.
( yes, I've had people assume I am/was a druggie or homeless or etc. etc. )
that person MAY be a little "crazier" than the people you usually know, but they may surprise you at how loyal they are when it comes to friendship.
- thom / Wolfox
Self-dependence.
Since my early teens (if not earlier), I did things on my own - the initial reasons for which I will not delve into.
When one considers the things that bring me the most enjoyment, they too are "independent" things : cinema, music, and other arts - even the awful poetry and rare art I create are... quite singular.
90% of films I've gone to I've gone alone
concerts - well, I've been to very few unless you count ones I was at as a volunteer worker, so that's an aberration... nonetheless listening to music is a singular thing as well.
I will be the first to admit that since I've spent nearly my whole life just up and "doing things," no planning, on my own that I don't consider inviting others along...
of course, a part of that is that I DON'T plan my excursions ahead of time so if the person isn't already there, it's a little late to invite them when even *I* didn't know I'd be going.
Self-dependant.
I am VERY dependant... upon myself.
Since my mid-teens I've worked, at first simply so I could actually DO things.
I wasn't raised in an environment of "getting" things, you had to earn them. There was no "allowance" for me like other kids I'd known, so - yes - I spent what I earned frivolously (usually on snacks, actually).
I learned early that if you want a "life" (as in, more than just to "live"), you have to work for it.
You can't expect help or hand-outs - and I admit as well that this put a sense of "Pride" into me that's gotten me in trouble by NOT asking for help when I could've used it.
Nonetheless I survived... somehow.
At my weakest point(s) in life, I spent YEARS dealing with issues by drinking... heavily.
Even *I* wonder sometimes how I got through - I paid all my bills on time, had more than enough food to eat, and yet spent hundreds a night on alcohol while being paid a pittance, at best.
I guess I was just lucky?!
Yes, I (somehow) ended up with friends in the times between - some of which are long gone, some of which I haven't seen in decades, and others... those precious others... that I still seldom see but mean so much to me.
Even being self-dependant you need friends.
My "independence" has - QUITE often - been misconstrued as being anti-social...
I'll be the first to say that I do have quite a bit of "social anxiety" ... around strangers.
*IF* I know you, then by gods you'd probably wish I'd shut up - or at least be a little bit more "normal." (I'm guessing here, of course, since my friends do seem to welcome me back - for SOME reason)
but if I don't know you - or the majority of people where we are - I'm going to be the guy whisping from corner to corner...
due to being naturally energetic I can't stand to stay in one spot for too long, but I can usually make my way through a crowd largely undetected to my next "hiding" spot.
I've had roommates that I've driven nuts because I'd just "up and go," whether they were home or not.
most have assumed that, being roommates - and quite often, friends -, I'd invite them with me.
it may sound sad/harsh to say, but it honestly doesn't cross my mind, being so used to just "doing."
...and that leads to the fact that (drumroll please...) I must be anti-social.
I must admit as well that, now living many, many miles from the majority of my friends for nearly 12yrs, my "social anxiety" has increased several-fold.
...it DOESN'T help that I've had broken teeth for more than a few years now and society has become VERY physically oriented.
On a monthly basis I'll have a random convo with a random person on the street/in a store/etc. and all will be going VERY well... until I happen to laugh or smile.
You'd be AMAZING how quickly the conversation is over... even in mid-sentence, sometimes, they're just suddenly... GONE. Other side of the road, around a corner, out of sight...
and, should I happen to see them again at some point in the future, a glance and a turn away... *sighs*
Sadly, you DO get used to it... it just blows goats, to say the least.
What makes this feel all the worse is that I actually WAS comfortable enough to HAVE the convo in the first place and relaxed enough to dare a smile or a laugh.
Fucking humans.
"Independent"
I don't actually like the word, preferring "self-dependence."
it reminds me that, nowadays especially, I spent too much time IN instead of OUT.
...when I lived in smaller areas I could get virtually ANYwhere within an hour, to do nearly ANYthing that came to mind.
now that I live in the Cities, well... the closest places can take me up to an hour to GET to - other places I'd like to go would be a couple hours or more of walking.
...and this IS Minnesota weather, we're talking about, and areas inbetween aren't exactly "kosher" for walking through (some not even during the daytime).
SO I spent a lot more time IN - of course, I have my cinema (DVDs) and music (CDs) to keep me wonderfully distracted... but it's not the same, to say the least.
I do get invites out... but IF they are someplace I COULD get to without needing a change of clothes when I get there, it's usually a weekend I have my daughters.
Now, mind you, that is NOT a bad thing - I LOVE my daughters, they are THE most important thing in my life.
...but when the second-most important thing in your life is friends and you're lucky to see more than two once a year...
yeh, that sounds pathetic, even I admit.
ANYways...
when you see a lone stranger that may look just a little "shell-shocked" or you see someone that always seems to be at a theatre or eating out alone...
don't be afraid to say "Hi."
it may be someone like me who's just a little unused to starting the conversation or initiating the "first move," someone who loves meeting new people.
and don't assume because they appear "a little damaged" (broken teeth, whathaveyou) that they've got problems.
it may be someone like me who simply can't afford (yet) to get the issue fixed and the issue(s) may be due to something that just... happened.
( yes, I've had people assume I am/was a druggie or homeless or etc. etc. )
that person MAY be a little "crazier" than the people you usually know, but they may surprise you at how loyal they are when it comes to friendship.
- thom / Wolfox