Mentality And Past Long Lost...
Sometimes I honestly wonder if I ever had a childhood?
The combination of the lack of memory prior to being 15 (and even then spotty before 18) and the various journals and random notations that I wrote prior to then oftimes weirds me out... as if I'm reading someone else's life. Yet I keep reading because it at least offers explanations - sort of - for some of the things I've done and, in some ways, how my minds seems to work.
( and I do admit, witnessing my daughters growing up is so... strange... since it doesn't seem like I've ever been there or could understand what it's like *sighs* )
I'd been told in the past - though rarely of late - how people are surprised that I'm still "sane," though... am I, really?
I've been through enough, survived accidents of varying calibre, done insane things I somehow got away with relatively intact, seen things I never should've - some of which is undeniably strange, nearly burnt myself out many times with insane work schedules combined with volunteering to the point of madness, drank more than any "sane" man should've yet seldom had to "regret" it ...
and despite all that, it still seems I've done so very little in my life.
In 20yrs I've only dated 4 women (married and divorced one of them - which was the only one that even lasted longer than 40days without having to start over!). I've done so little travelling outside of the state that it's almost absurd.
So many friends I've known are long, long gone from this world... yet so many still remain
...even if the majority of them I haven't seen in so many years it's crazy. But, oddly, it seems like the ones I had the most crazily insane times with tend to be the ones that didn't make it through... *ponders*
And now... my life seems so quiet, so still. As if I do so little and am not even making a dent in the world, unnoticable... I see less and less people every year (discounting the friends who die year after year), I get out less and less every year. My daughters are reaching the age where they ask questions I simply cannot answer, because if I did know the answers they're long gone, damaged away, or I was never that smart as to understand, let alone simply know.
ANYways...
this coming weekend I'll be seeing friends I haven't seen in many years via friends I see maybe once a year and meeting new friends as well - I'm not the same man I was way back then, even though portions of me (obviously?) remain... but then again, back then it doesn't seem like I cared, either - which is probably why my world was so brutal back then. Entertaining, yes - insane, helsyeh ... but brutal as well.
I'm an honest person and if I lie, it's pretty damn obvious that it's a lie (I've never been successful at lying, for some reason) - but at the same time, not everyone knew everything... mostly because they never asked the "right" questions (if they asked at all). People assumed things and I let them assume them as such - why bother when it seems like my life is more interesting and things going better than they are through the eyes of others?
...ANYways - enough of that b.s. and back to the (sur)"real world."
- thom / Wolfox
Sometimes I honestly wonder if I ever had a childhood?
The combination of the lack of memory prior to being 15 (and even then spotty before 18) and the various journals and random notations that I wrote prior to then oftimes weirds me out... as if I'm reading someone else's life. Yet I keep reading because it at least offers explanations - sort of - for some of the things I've done and, in some ways, how my minds seems to work.
( and I do admit, witnessing my daughters growing up is so... strange... since it doesn't seem like I've ever been there or could understand what it's like *sighs* )
I'd been told in the past - though rarely of late - how people are surprised that I'm still "sane," though... am I, really?
I've been through enough, survived accidents of varying calibre, done insane things I somehow got away with relatively intact, seen things I never should've - some of which is undeniably strange, nearly burnt myself out many times with insane work schedules combined with volunteering to the point of madness, drank more than any "sane" man should've yet seldom had to "regret" it ...
and despite all that, it still seems I've done so very little in my life.
In 20yrs I've only dated 4 women (married and divorced one of them - which was the only one that even lasted longer than 40days without having to start over!). I've done so little travelling outside of the state that it's almost absurd.
So many friends I've known are long, long gone from this world... yet so many still remain
...even if the majority of them I haven't seen in so many years it's crazy. But, oddly, it seems like the ones I had the most crazily insane times with tend to be the ones that didn't make it through... *ponders*
And now... my life seems so quiet, so still. As if I do so little and am not even making a dent in the world, unnoticable... I see less and less people every year (discounting the friends who die year after year), I get out less and less every year. My daughters are reaching the age where they ask questions I simply cannot answer, because if I did know the answers they're long gone, damaged away, or I was never that smart as to understand, let alone simply know.
ANYways...
this coming weekend I'll be seeing friends I haven't seen in many years via friends I see maybe once a year and meeting new friends as well - I'm not the same man I was way back then, even though portions of me (obviously?) remain... but then again, back then it doesn't seem like I cared, either - which is probably why my world was so brutal back then. Entertaining, yes - insane, helsyeh ... but brutal as well.
I'm an honest person and if I lie, it's pretty damn obvious that it's a lie (I've never been successful at lying, for some reason) - but at the same time, not everyone knew everything... mostly because they never asked the "right" questions (if they asked at all). People assumed things and I let them assume them as such - why bother when it seems like my life is more interesting and things going better than they are through the eyes of others?
...ANYways - enough of that b.s. and back to the (sur)"real world."
- thom / Wolfox