I have stalled for far too long and it is finally time for the truth to be known, as unfortunate as that truth may be...
The Truth About Smurfs
(aka The Hideous Horrible Oh-Gods-Help-Us Truth About The Beastly Creatures Known As Smurfs)
just as the '30s/'40s had the nazis/third reich and their propoganda, so too did the '80s have it's propoganda - and that propoganda was known as... The Smurfs!
(and while it is mere rumour, there being a connection between nazis and Smurfs may not be that far off)
"yeahhh, but that was the 80s!" I'm sure you're saying, but... and this is a BIG but! The propoganda is about to return once again... in live-action film form, no less!
(an unfortunate - and hopefully untrue - rumour is that it is the first in a trilogy... possibly a sign of the apocalypse, but - again - mere rumour)
Which is why the truth, the hideous horrible oh-gods-help-us truth, must - ah, yes, absolutely must! - come out.
I'm certain I shall be unjustly targeted by those who support these beastly creatures for this, but it is my duty that the truth be known. *sigh*
gods help us all...
What's In A Name?
From as far back as the middle ages, and possibly farther back still, a few unfortunate souls have been more than well aware of creatures called "Les Schtroumpfs."
It was a Belgian cartoonist who was first conscripted into delivering false information about these "small blue fictional" creatures, claiming he created the name when he mispronounced/forgot how to say "salt" in French.
The real truth is, perhaps, more frightening yet much simpler:
"Les Schtroumpfs" simply being the sound one makes - a combination of choking and vomiting - when one first witnesses these creatures.
Misinformation/Size Matters!
Ah, yes - "small blue fictional" creatures, indeed. Let's look at one of those words in particular, shall we?
"small"
or, more precisely, 3 apples tall. Now, this may not sound all that tall, surely, until one thinks about this for a moment.
the average size of an apple : 6.5cm.
[ admittedly, I've heard people say "it's supposed to be crabapples." but this theory shatters when one realizes crapapples are native only to North America, which - thanks the 7 hells - Smurfs are not. ]
three apples would, then, be 19.5cm - 7.7 inches or ~.639 ft!
I don't know about you, but that's halfway up to my knee! And bigger than the average newborn baby!
skewing off for a bit, the mushrooms that they live in are, from peak to ground, 3 times the height of a smurf : 58.5cm - 23 inches or ~1.919 ft!
You're probably saying "even if they're midget-toddler-sized... are you scared of midget-toddlers?!?"
1) toddlers are creepy. go ahead, deny it all you want, we all know the truth.
2) and this goes sort of goes along with the question of "How does no one seriously noticed an entire village of 99+ 2ft tall mushrooms?" [my answer: inter-species cannibalism, but that's just a theory]
Imagine a toddler. Now, big him great big bug-eyes with pinpoint pupils, paint it blue (or some other neon/garish colouration), and imagine several of these... things, each capable of rushing at you manevolently and shouting "smurfin' smurf the smurfin' smurfer!"
*ahem* now, would you want to meet an toddler in an alley, let alone out in the middle of the woods, capable of doing that?
this brings us to Gargamel... whether this is based on legend(s) or if this is part of their propoganda to make Scandanavians appear evil, I'm not certain. We may never know...
what we do know, however, is based on the true size of said Smurfs, that Gargamel was actually a mishapen little midget of a man - again, you doubt?
if smurfs stand roughly 7.7inches tall, and they are roughly a 6th of Gargamel's size (mishapen though he may be), that means Gargarmel must only be about 46.2 inches - or 3.85ft tall!
the smurfs' mushrooms alone are over half his height tall... how in the 7 hells he didn't stumble into them is anyone's guess!
( another consideration is that they're the size of his hand, and most people stand 10hands, so Gargamel'd be about 6.39ft tall *ponders* - but, again, he's quite mishapen )
Another bit of misinformation is "there are only 99 smurfs" bit - to which confusion must have undoubtedly occurred the several times that Gargamel created more smurfs.
If there must surely be "only 99 smurfs (of which all natural smurfs are male) then another evil awakens - that of enforced population, which undoubtedly must involve murder or enforced suicide of the unwanted additional smurfs.
Smurflike Activities:
What do smurfs do?!
One known thing is that they like to argue... a lot.
Even the interpretation and use of the word "smurf" has led to wars within the smurf community.
in one instance "northern" smurfs called a certain object a 'bottle smurfer' while the "southern" smurfs called it a 'smurf opener,' which led to a strange sort of civil war.
their community is... well, a cooperative : each smurf has something he is good at and contributes in that fashion and are given housing, clothes, and food without exchange of money - no matter how banal, annoying, or pointless their contribution may be.
they love to eat smurfberries and beneath the village is a huge cask in which smurfberry wine is made... good gods, the size of that cask alone kills any question of why smurfs are so "friendly" - with each other, that is.
if there is any sexuality between natural smurfs, it has no choice but to be homosexual in nature due to the fact that there are no natural female smurfs.
( where, then, do smurfs come from? a question best left unasked... I know that I have no intent to go there! )
the smurf known as Papa Smurf is a sorcerer as well, knowing more magic spells (besides being better at them) than Gargamel.
The "Other" Smurfs...
you didn't honestly think that Smurfs we've seen on screen and film are the only Smurf tribe out there, did you?
there have been, in fact, smurf stories that involved Purple, Black, and even Red smurfs - even if the Black smurfs were an epidemic caused by a black fly that drives them insane and reduces their vocabulary to "Gnap!" while they bite smurfs on their tail turning THEM into Black smurfs.
it is implied that this has happened in the past, and the "first" Black smurf had recovered a bit of ingenuity and reason while maintaining his hunger/insanity, so there may be villages of Black smurfs out there.
the Red smurfs equate - disturbingly? racistly? - to native americans in that they are more tribal than cooperative.
so who is to say that there aren't other smurf "breeds" out there - as dangerous, if not moreso, than the blue breed that everyone is familiar with?
...this is, unfortunately, all the Truth I can possibly give out/research without delving personally into the domain of these... creatures.
and I seriously have absolutely NO intent on doing any such thing.
So - be warned - and let not the propoganda of these creatures get to you. They ARE out there and they don't want you to know the truth - can there be any bigger sign of their evil than that fact alone? Why would they not want their presence to be known, hrm?
Eeeeeeevil, I tell you!! Do Not Be Fooled!
- thom / Wolfox
[ if you do not hear from me again in the next few days, then they have taken action and it may be too late for me... much too late! ]
The Truth About Smurfs
(aka The Hideous Horrible Oh-Gods-Help-Us Truth About The Beastly Creatures Known As Smurfs)
just as the '30s/'40s had the nazis/third reich and their propoganda, so too did the '80s have it's propoganda - and that propoganda was known as... The Smurfs!
(and while it is mere rumour, there being a connection between nazis and Smurfs may not be that far off)
"yeahhh, but that was the 80s!" I'm sure you're saying, but... and this is a BIG but! The propoganda is about to return once again... in live-action film form, no less!
(an unfortunate - and hopefully untrue - rumour is that it is the first in a trilogy... possibly a sign of the apocalypse, but - again - mere rumour)
Which is why the truth, the hideous horrible oh-gods-help-us truth, must - ah, yes, absolutely must! - come out.
I'm certain I shall be unjustly targeted by those who support these beastly creatures for this, but it is my duty that the truth be known. *sigh*
gods help us all...
What's In A Name?
From as far back as the middle ages, and possibly farther back still, a few unfortunate souls have been more than well aware of creatures called "Les Schtroumpfs."
It was a Belgian cartoonist who was first conscripted into delivering false information about these "small blue fictional" creatures, claiming he created the name when he mispronounced/forgot how to say "salt" in French.
The real truth is, perhaps, more frightening yet much simpler:
"Les Schtroumpfs" simply being the sound one makes - a combination of choking and vomiting - when one first witnesses these creatures.
Misinformation/Size Matters!
Ah, yes - "small blue fictional" creatures, indeed. Let's look at one of those words in particular, shall we?
"small"
or, more precisely, 3 apples tall. Now, this may not sound all that tall, surely, until one thinks about this for a moment.
the average size of an apple : 6.5cm.
[ admittedly, I've heard people say "it's supposed to be crabapples." but this theory shatters when one realizes crapapples are native only to North America, which - thanks the 7 hells - Smurfs are not. ]
three apples would, then, be 19.5cm - 7.7 inches or ~.639 ft!
I don't know about you, but that's halfway up to my knee! And bigger than the average newborn baby!
skewing off for a bit, the mushrooms that they live in are, from peak to ground, 3 times the height of a smurf : 58.5cm - 23 inches or ~1.919 ft!
You're probably saying "even if they're midget-toddler-sized... are you scared of midget-toddlers?!?"
1) toddlers are creepy. go ahead, deny it all you want, we all know the truth.
2) and this goes sort of goes along with the question of "How does no one seriously noticed an entire village of 99+ 2ft tall mushrooms?" [my answer: inter-species cannibalism, but that's just a theory]
Imagine a toddler. Now, big him great big bug-eyes with pinpoint pupils, paint it blue (or some other neon/garish colouration), and imagine several of these... things, each capable of rushing at you manevolently and shouting "smurfin' smurf the smurfin' smurfer!"
*ahem* now, would you want to meet an toddler in an alley, let alone out in the middle of the woods, capable of doing that?
this brings us to Gargamel... whether this is based on legend(s) or if this is part of their propoganda to make Scandanavians appear evil, I'm not certain. We may never know...
what we do know, however, is based on the true size of said Smurfs, that Gargamel was actually a mishapen little midget of a man - again, you doubt?
if smurfs stand roughly 7.7inches tall, and they are roughly a 6th of Gargamel's size (mishapen though he may be), that means Gargarmel must only be about 46.2 inches - or 3.85ft tall!
the smurfs' mushrooms alone are over half his height tall... how in the 7 hells he didn't stumble into them is anyone's guess!
( another consideration is that they're the size of his hand, and most people stand 10hands, so Gargamel'd be about 6.39ft tall *ponders* - but, again, he's quite mishapen )
Another bit of misinformation is "there are only 99 smurfs" bit - to which confusion must have undoubtedly occurred the several times that Gargamel created more smurfs.
If there must surely be "only 99 smurfs (of which all natural smurfs are male) then another evil awakens - that of enforced population, which undoubtedly must involve murder or enforced suicide of the unwanted additional smurfs.
Smurflike Activities:
What do smurfs do?!
One known thing is that they like to argue... a lot.
Even the interpretation and use of the word "smurf" has led to wars within the smurf community.
in one instance "northern" smurfs called a certain object a 'bottle smurfer' while the "southern" smurfs called it a 'smurf opener,' which led to a strange sort of civil war.
their community is... well, a cooperative : each smurf has something he is good at and contributes in that fashion and are given housing, clothes, and food without exchange of money - no matter how banal, annoying, or pointless their contribution may be.
they love to eat smurfberries and beneath the village is a huge cask in which smurfberry wine is made... good gods, the size of that cask alone kills any question of why smurfs are so "friendly" - with each other, that is.
if there is any sexuality between natural smurfs, it has no choice but to be homosexual in nature due to the fact that there are no natural female smurfs.
( where, then, do smurfs come from? a question best left unasked... I know that I have no intent to go there! )
the smurf known as Papa Smurf is a sorcerer as well, knowing more magic spells (besides being better at them) than Gargamel.
The "Other" Smurfs...
you didn't honestly think that Smurfs we've seen on screen and film are the only Smurf tribe out there, did you?
there have been, in fact, smurf stories that involved Purple, Black, and even Red smurfs - even if the Black smurfs were an epidemic caused by a black fly that drives them insane and reduces their vocabulary to "Gnap!" while they bite smurfs on their tail turning THEM into Black smurfs.
it is implied that this has happened in the past, and the "first" Black smurf had recovered a bit of ingenuity and reason while maintaining his hunger/insanity, so there may be villages of Black smurfs out there.
the Red smurfs equate - disturbingly? racistly? - to native americans in that they are more tribal than cooperative.
so who is to say that there aren't other smurf "breeds" out there - as dangerous, if not moreso, than the blue breed that everyone is familiar with?
...this is, unfortunately, all the Truth I can possibly give out/research without delving personally into the domain of these... creatures.
and I seriously have absolutely NO intent on doing any such thing.
So - be warned - and let not the propoganda of these creatures get to you. They ARE out there and they don't want you to know the truth - can there be any bigger sign of their evil than that fact alone? Why would they not want their presence to be known, hrm?
Eeeeeeevil, I tell you!! Do Not Be Fooled!
- thom / Wolfox
[ if you do not hear from me again in the next few days, then they have taken action and it may be too late for me... much too late! ]