I just had a dream. A giant, emotionally conquering sort of dream. The sort of dream that I will never, ever forget.
In this dream "I" went away to some sort of hostile or something, but it had a definite purpose A purpose I am still not aware of, I even remember being a little oblivious in the dream.
I was not alone, dozens of...
Read More
In this dream "I" went away to some sort of hostile or something, but it had a definite purpose A purpose I am still not aware of, I even remember being a little oblivious in the dream.
I was not alone, dozens of...
Read More
some of you are far too beautiful for words.
The "green fairy" is ready. If interested in some, contact me privately.. fior@oxea.net
The "green fairy" is ready. If interested in some, contact me privately.. fior@oxea.net
saturn1:
i left messages
I have started taking these high-potency Caffeine/Ephedrine/Tyrasine pills. I sort of need to shed a few pounds and I am blending these pills with excersize. No more ugly fatass me. Still, it is after 2am and I am completely wired. I have taken some dyphenhydramine HcL to help combat the restlessness and maybe get a little sleep.
I made a decision four days ago. I...
Read More
I made a decision four days ago. I...
Read More
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
vassago:
i know it does.
cutthekidinhalf:
hmm fatass you? you are like very slim..dear...
time to wake up?
yes, indeed it is, See you then.
yes, indeed it is, See you then.
saturn1:
when you wake up?
would like to mention a few cds that have been released recently. They haven't had a lot of press or anything... but I really like these bands so I feel it wise to mention them.
A Perfect Circle: Thirteenth Step
Live: Birds of pray
Tricky: Vulnerable
Judging by my list of Bands.. does anyone know of any other recent releases?
Sadly, I have been out...
Read More
A Perfect Circle: Thirteenth Step
Live: Birds of pray
Tricky: Vulnerable
Judging by my list of Bands.. does anyone know of any other recent releases?
Sadly, I have been out...
Read More
jia:
the seasons..the seasons..they are changing. things are dying. winter is always a good time to piece things back together. some things cannot be mended..some things craZy glued. it's super crazy with the capital Z, and other things sewn back on. hearts sold separately.
decay...rebirth.
memory lane is trecherous.
don't fuck with the progression.
decay...rebirth.
memory lane is trecherous.
don't fuck with the progression.
I I.M'd with Stephanie tonight.
She is the first girl that I fell in love with.
I miss her, really badly.
Not that I want her back.. I just wish she could be close to me.
She can't.. only further away. Life is a painful little thing.
Kat was second.
She is the first girl that I fell in love with.
I miss her, really badly.
Not that I want her back.. I just wish she could be close to me.
She can't.. only further away. Life is a painful little thing.
Kat was second.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
mistressmissy:
i know what you mean. i dont want chris back...but i do miss having him around. yeah.
life is annoying.
life is annoying.
vassago:
I would like to mention a few cds that have been released recently. They haven't had a lot of press or anything... but I really like these bands so I feel it wise to mention them.
A Perfect Circle: Thirteenth Step
Live: Birds of pray
Tricky: Vulnerable
Judging by my list of Bands.. does anyone know of any other recent releases?
Sadly, I have been out of touch with with a lot of things lately.. after all, Ive spent the last six months on my bathroom floor with a needle in my arm. With all of that 'behind' me, I would like to do a little catching up.
In the shadow of my little "vacation" from reality, Ive been brought to understand some things about my life. For instance, when things got difficult, the people that I loved and trusted the most bolted. The fact is, I have few people to look for for comfort right now.. and after endless nights of bleeding and begging, I am finally at grips with being alone. I have had to fully accept that I am not to be understood.. people dont want to understand, and that is alright, I cannot make them anyway.
So, facts given, I am all alone now. This is the first time since high school that I have felt like this.. completely disconnected from the rest of my human world. Unwanted by another soul in my human world. Still.. can't be angry at you for not wanting.. you have free will.
No, cannot be angry.
The pain of the girl walking away might be subsiding, maybe. I mean, I still see something that reminds me of her, and I might cry... and I still may dream at occassion, but I am over it... for the most part. (" I choose to live" )
Paying attention to others now.. it has been weird.. looking around at you to see if I might connect or find comfort with something under your skin... but I am finding myself more scared than anything. My shattered self esteem and hollowed ego aren't enough to maintain eye contact with any new girl..
And then there is your interest, a seriously important factor.. because it is absent. It seems that you can tell from the inception that that there isn't any chance to understand me, so with a glance I am dismissed. Maybe that or I have just become profoundly ugly, either way I am now an isolated satellite.
I can accept it all. Im not sure anyone else could hear the things that I have to tell, and I can tell that noone sees me in the first place. To you, I am just scarrs or a junkie or a whore or nothing. But, it's cool. I am what I have raised myself into. I like what I have been, and I treasure what I have learned. I am.
Anyhow, here I am, waiting. Again lonely for someone that may not exist. Some little fae that is as much a shining star as she is a mirror for my existence. I ask, would i even know you if you were here, or would my illness keep me blind to you?
I might assume that you know who and where you are.
A Perfect Circle: Thirteenth Step
Live: Birds of pray
Tricky: Vulnerable
Judging by my list of Bands.. does anyone know of any other recent releases?
Sadly, I have been out of touch with with a lot of things lately.. after all, Ive spent the last six months on my bathroom floor with a needle in my arm. With all of that 'behind' me, I would like to do a little catching up.
In the shadow of my little "vacation" from reality, Ive been brought to understand some things about my life. For instance, when things got difficult, the people that I loved and trusted the most bolted. The fact is, I have few people to look for for comfort right now.. and after endless nights of bleeding and begging, I am finally at grips with being alone. I have had to fully accept that I am not to be understood.. people dont want to understand, and that is alright, I cannot make them anyway.
So, facts given, I am all alone now. This is the first time since high school that I have felt like this.. completely disconnected from the rest of my human world. Unwanted by another soul in my human world. Still.. can't be angry at you for not wanting.. you have free will.
No, cannot be angry.
The pain of the girl walking away might be subsiding, maybe. I mean, I still see something that reminds me of her, and I might cry... and I still may dream at occassion, but I am over it... for the most part. (" I choose to live" )
Paying attention to others now.. it has been weird.. looking around at you to see if I might connect or find comfort with something under your skin... but I am finding myself more scared than anything. My shattered self esteem and hollowed ego aren't enough to maintain eye contact with any new girl..
And then there is your interest, a seriously important factor.. because it is absent. It seems that you can tell from the inception that that there isn't any chance to understand me, so with a glance I am dismissed. Maybe that or I have just become profoundly ugly, either way I am now an isolated satellite.
I can accept it all. Im not sure anyone else could hear the things that I have to tell, and I can tell that noone sees me in the first place. To you, I am just scarrs or a junkie or a whore or nothing. But, it's cool. I am what I have raised myself into. I like what I have been, and I treasure what I have learned. I am.
Anyhow, here I am, waiting. Again lonely for someone that may not exist. Some little fae that is as much a shining star as she is a mirror for my existence. I ask, would i even know you if you were here, or would my illness keep me blind to you?
I might assume that you know who and where you are.
11 days, no heroin.
does that mean I might be winning the fight?
I think that I am in this really confused part of the drama right now.. I miss Kat badly, yet I am now aware enough to know that she isn't coming back, ever.
I am awake enough to know that she never actually loved me.. 'cause you don't just drop those you...
Read More
does that mean I might be winning the fight?
I think that I am in this really confused part of the drama right now.. I miss Kat badly, yet I am now aware enough to know that she isn't coming back, ever.
I am awake enough to know that she never actually loved me.. 'cause you don't just drop those you...
Read More
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
mistressmissy:
your entry is sad. dredges up old feelings for me. apparently we have a lot in common in the relationship department. hmm
so i was sad not to meet you over kira's house saturday. it was a good time...but then anything is good for me...ohio is so fucking boring.
feel better doll.
so i was sad not to meet you over kira's house saturday. it was a good time...but then anything is good for me...ohio is so fucking boring.
feel better doll.
jia:
you will find a bomb in three days time. or maybe just some stuff you don't really need.
yeah.. coming back.
Today was given to the MI Rennfest. No new events, and none of any mention here.
Still, today was one of contentment. I was half expecting to see Kathleen.
I am sure that she feels WAAAY too good for rennies now.
I went really cute. makeup and all.
and nobody made a move. I could be curious about feeling genuine, pure desire....
Read More
Today was given to the MI Rennfest. No new events, and none of any mention here.
Still, today was one of contentment. I was half expecting to see Kathleen.
I am sure that she feels WAAAY too good for rennies now.
I went really cute. makeup and all.
and nobody made a move. I could be curious about feeling genuine, pure desire....
Read More
jia:
mew. experiences much too familiar. Reading your journal throws me back into my own stretch of memory lane. treacherous. ..the weight does lift... usually later rather than sooner.
And I doubt that you are unwanted.
with your interests and aesthetics.
And I doubt that you are unwanted.
with your interests and aesthetics.
Last night in my dream, I was a robot, built by the Roman gods to dance for them, as a form of sexual entertainment. I was built to move perfectly, in a way that I cannot relate in words. To the pantheon, I was beloved.
interpretations?
Today I woke with my mind running only at half speed, like I was drugged or something.
Though with...
Read More
interpretations?
Today I woke with my mind running only at half speed, like I was drugged or something.
Though with...
Read More
cutthekidinhalf:
this world is ugly,,that is all,,,,
jia:
Beautiful indeed.
white hair is lovely. but not likely for little asian girls like me.
i hope you are doing better.
and i bet you are a wonderful form of sexual entertainment.
meow.
white hair is lovely. but not likely for little asian girls like me.
i hope you are doing better.
and i bet you are a wonderful form of sexual entertainment.
meow.
It is 4:30am, precisely, as I write this.
A billion things move through my shallow, furrowed mind and then die.
I am kept awake by a ill that I know you cannot understand, though I pray that you could, and that you could touch me through everything it brings
No heroin today.. not even a drop. nothing.
the myelin at my nerves is singing a...
Read More
A billion things move through my shallow, furrowed mind and then die.
I am kept awake by a ill that I know you cannot understand, though I pray that you could, and that you could touch me through everything it brings
No heroin today.. not even a drop. nothing.
the myelin at my nerves is singing a...
Read More
jia:
eep. at least you can still feel.
and umm delete?