I I.M'd with Stephanie tonight.
She is the first girl that I fell in love with.
I miss her, really badly.
Not that I want her back.. I just wish she could be close to me.
She can't.. only further away. Life is a painful little thing.
Kat was second.
She is the first girl that I fell in love with.
I miss her, really badly.
Not that I want her back.. I just wish she could be close to me.
She can't.. only further away. Life is a painful little thing.
Kat was second.
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life is annoying.
A Perfect Circle: Thirteenth Step
Live: Birds of pray
Tricky: Vulnerable
Judging by my list of Bands.. does anyone know of any other recent releases?
Sadly, I have been out of touch with with a lot of things lately.. after all, Ive spent the last six months on my bathroom floor with a needle in my arm. With all of that 'behind' me, I would like to do a little catching up.
In the shadow of my little "vacation" from reality, Ive been brought to understand some things about my life. For instance, when things got difficult, the people that I loved and trusted the most bolted. The fact is, I have few people to look for for comfort right now.. and after endless nights of bleeding and begging, I am finally at grips with being alone. I have had to fully accept that I am not to be understood.. people dont want to understand, and that is alright, I cannot make them anyway.
So, facts given, I am all alone now. This is the first time since high school that I have felt like this.. completely disconnected from the rest of my human world. Unwanted by another soul in my human world. Still.. can't be angry at you for not wanting.. you have free will.
No, cannot be angry.
The pain of the girl walking away might be subsiding, maybe. I mean, I still see something that reminds me of her, and I might cry... and I still may dream at occassion, but I am over it... for the most part. (" I choose to live" )
Paying attention to others now.. it has been weird.. looking around at you to see if I might connect or find comfort with something under your skin... but I am finding myself more scared than anything. My shattered self esteem and hollowed ego aren't enough to maintain eye contact with any new girl..
And then there is your interest, a seriously important factor.. because it is absent. It seems that you can tell from the inception that that there isn't any chance to understand me, so with a glance I am dismissed. Maybe that or I have just become profoundly ugly, either way I am now an isolated satellite.
I can accept it all. Im not sure anyone else could hear the things that I have to tell, and I can tell that noone sees me in the first place. To you, I am just scarrs or a junkie or a whore or nothing. But, it's cool. I am what I have raised myself into. I like what I have been, and I treasure what I have learned. I am.
Anyhow, here I am, waiting. Again lonely for someone that may not exist. Some little fae that is as much a shining star as she is a mirror for my existence. I ask, would i even know you if you were here, or would my illness keep me blind to you?
I might assume that you know who and where you are.