Sometimes I feel like the word ‘ bi-curious’ is just as much of a repellent as ‘virgin’. I find women intensely attractive, I always have! But this was an area I did not allow myself to touch in my formative years because the formers in my life were so closed- minded. When I left for college this part of my mind began to expand but I wouldn’t let it go completely. Then slowly but surely this intense attraction began to grow and grow and simply is nearly impossible to ignore. I have been with a woman in every way in my mind, in my self-pleasuring and in my unconscious dreams. I have hit on women while out and about… but the fantasy has never fully become the reality.
I keep looking for women, go out on a date or two then find a reason for it to not work. Honestly, I don’t feel like I’ve passed up anything that could have been ‘something’ there wasn’t any sparks. But maybe this lack of connecting has me questioning am I bisexual or bicurious? Is the reason why I am not meeting women, or the reason why I am not connecting due to the fact it is just curiosity? Am I afraid to fully embrace this part of me because I think I might ditch my marriage and run away with a woman? I am not sure what is at the root. But it is an intensely frustrating place to be in.
What I do know is that women don’t like ‘bi-curious’ it goes back to the virgin stigma. We’ve all been there [virgins]… some of us pretended to have lost it sooner than reality, some of us guarded it. But almost all of us felt some strange level of shame when people found out we were still one. I hated that fear, what if someone finds me out?!... and I thought I was beyond that feeling, but here I am feeling this strange fear and shame again. What if I meet a woman and she is amazing and sexy and attractive and when it comes time to pull the trigger I can’t? Maybe that’s not the fear there.. maybe I’m more afraid of when it comes time to pull the trigger my amateur skill [ lack thereof] will shine like a pretty penny? Maybe I know what I want but I’d rather not be in that situation again where I have no idea what I’m doing, but no one dare wants to be anyone’s ‘first’ anything. If you didn’t get those out of the way when you were classified as a teenager, good luck getting it out now… ya just have to finesse and bend truths and either be painfully obvious when things get down to it, or have that person think you’re bad at sex for the rest of your existence… so there’s that. I’m not afraid of being curious, I’m afraid I’m gonna suck at this.. and I’m afraid I’m gonna like sucking at it too much and never go back.
