one from last year:
This obnoxious gnawing.
It waxes and wanes
And chips and flakes
And melts all back together again. A steady, constant predictable state .. necessary. Yet boring. Frustrating and easy to take for granted, take advantage of or simply ignore, resent and feel spite… and pity, distaste and complete misunderstanding.
A new beginning of a flicker, immediate danger. Red. Flag. Keep going… curious. Selfish, indulged.
Keeping up a front, a flirtatious, banterous account .. back and forth - back and forth- to the point out of necessity. No need. An excuse, rather. Hello.. then it rolls into other forms of communication.. the snowball effect with greater intensity.. but different this time. MUCH different. I don’t even know who you really are.. and no real line is ever actually crossed.. the waters are tested with a thermometer so limited. Luke warm always – with a tinge of the possibilities.. but oh no, we will not go around this merry-round again. Always lighting the candle to put out the flame with bare fingers. Feel the heat, intense and quick and just like that it is out…. But is it? The matchbox is still nearby. I am taking you home with me and I have yet to SEE you, I am taking you home with me and I can’t wait for the next communication. I develop a fantasy in my brain that this is special.. this is more, this is something to be noted. Where is the proof? None. What have I done.
Before the waters rise above the safety of the damn, I give a test of character, and you pass the test. It was all for the right intention, it was what was not a selfish thing to do- on more levels than my own.. for your level and for my commitments. Your integrity, becomes my despair, but this exact unraveling validates my confession.
Is this really how low my self-worth is? Is this really what gets me through my day happily or grouchily? Is this really my value? Co-dependency on the strangest of terms. Addiction of something that there is no support group for.. there is no one who can possibly understand it .. unless you are one too. What are we?
We are all on varying levels. I want , what I want! But I am tethered, and without such I would be a mess. But I despise my tethered-ness. I want a chance to explore this.. yet it could all come screeching to an intense halt at only the mere sight of your face… your humanity on display.. but I do not know that yet and now I want to un-mask you even more because maybe it will become easier, but why should it become easier I had no hand to play in the first place, yet I sat down at the table and pretended to hold something worth value, and now I deserve nothing more than to have to sit out round after round, but my hand still wants to grab for the chips, throw down a few, and have the glimmer in my eye, I’ll manipulate this.
But it is over, and as always, everything was left vague.. there is no way to process through it b/c nothing is ever confirmed or denied, now it’s just awkward. And we cannot admit what was felt , not if we want to save face.. so do I wish I could rewind time and use an erase? Or is this a sign of maturity, allowing things to be dashed into smoke before a true flame. Either way there is no candle to hold . And at the end of the day today, I still feel shitty. Not because it started, but because it ended.