pudding

ah yes, that old friend of mine has returned. i was really hoping it would not follow me all the way out here, i had hoped to leave things like that in missouri. but you can't really predict these things, you just have to keep a vigilant watch for the signs. i was awake until 5:30 in the mother-fucking morning the other night, and i went to bed not because i was tired but because joe woke up at three and realized i hadn't come to bed yet. we agreed i would at least try to go to sleep at 5:45. by 5:30 i had run out of things to do, i woke up at nine. i didn't sleep last night. i really have not desire to sleep, i know that i should, but it's not going to happen. it kind of crept up on me, i tried to explain it away thinking that it was just me being nervous about the move and shit like that. but it's not. i went to see the doctor last week to get a psych referral, they asked me a shit ton of questions about how i felt and all that miserable drivvel. at any rate the point of the story is that she put a seventy-two hour rush on my referral. so i should be getting a call tomorrow or the next day and hopefully set up an appointment fairly quick. although nothing is ever quick with shrinks. and it's not like i haven't tried to contain it, i've tried to keep myself busy and whatnot. i cut an entire fridge full of fruit and vegetables today. but it's a nagging feeling that doesn't let go, and my mind wanders to places it shouldn't. i even got all pretty and shit today, even though i was just going grocery shopping. and i'm beginning to think i really am crazy, because it seems that no one gets it. and i know that there are other people out there like me, but of course no two people are exactly the same, similar, but not the exact same. and it does comfort me to know i'm not alone, even though most of the time it sure as hell feels like it. for the next two days it's just me and the cat, mikey. mikey is depressed. what a combo, a borderline personality case and her depressed cat. we had adopted two cats, but the other one ran away on the first day, we are still looking for him. mikey has good reason to be depressed, his owner died of cancer, and he was taken in by a man who could not keep him so he gave him to the adoption agency, and now he's with us. he's a cool cat, but obviously likes joe more than me. this cat is huge, his head is bigger than joe's fist. but he's not eating and that makes me nervous. he will eat chicken flavored cat treats, but not regular food. he hid under the bed until four this afternoon until i dragged him out and loved on him a little, then he took up residence in my bathtub. i don't know what to do with this animal. i got my first glimpse of vegetarian "lunch meat" today, it was a gross grey color and looked a bit slimy. the house is shaping up pretty well, it will be nice once we hang up the paintings and pictures and stuff. that's the only thing i don't like about base housing, it looks so sterile. i wanted to paint one of the walls pink, but joe talked me out of it seeing as how we would just have to repaint it when we move in about a year. plus i'm really bad at painting. maybe i will just paint a heart on the wall or something. i waxed off my eyebrows, except for the very first part so i know where to start drawing them. it's easier to draw them on, and a million times easier to wipe them off if i make a mistake. it looks like it might rain, that would be a first. this place is so beautiful it hurts, it's almost painful to look around when i'm depressed because it's so pretty and cheerful i wonder why i can't just be happy. this eternal quest for happiness, or a least contentment, is getting old. it's not like i expect everything to be fucking rosey and shit, but i don't think being glad to be in a non-island paradise is too much to hope for. i wanted so badly for this time to be different, and i'm not ruling out the possibility that is still can be, but i need something that i'm not getting. still. i talked to mom and casey today, that made me feel okay for a minute and a half. i'm just an emo bitch.