Self hate is a bitch

8

I can' keep doing this. I need to find a way to forget her. I need to find a way to move on. I need sleep. I need to stop thinking. How big of a POS am I to be thrown away so easily? Why am I never good enough? How am I so repulsive? I feel like Quasimodo. I feel like I am Cyrano,...
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pointman11:
@tali79tap I just wish I could turn the noise off in my head. And didn't think about her all the time. It' to the point that even at work I can slip into cruise control and let my mind wander 
tali79:
No matter what I'm doing or where I'm at I'm always thinking about her. 

So I did a thing... and strange and wonderful shit soon followed

5

This morning i had my check back with my doctor over my foot anf two things surprised us. 1. My foot is healing wonderfully so there is no longer talk that i will need the surgeon. There is tremendous marked improvement and besides being horribly scared, the worst is over. 2. Someone painted my toenails last night. Therevwas a look of surprise on both our...
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I failed. Very long blog

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Tonight was the first night working with Stefany again after her not speaking to me the last three weeks out on medical leave over my scalded foot. Stefany and I had a thing. She brought me out of my shell that I built around myself. It all started with her asking me about my opinion on American Gods that I was reading. We began to...
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user8992:
I think that sometimes life especially with lust can happen very fast especially when a void is being fulfilled. Then often times reality hits. That person realizes what they have done and perhaps she's not in a position where she should have etc.. or went to far and didn't mean too. In no circumstance do I see this as you failing sweetheart. Besides you have your own to sort as well. I've had things come up and many moments as you know where I so badly wanted someone to save me.. help me.. heal me but truth be told I didn't start getting better until I started to deal with myself and realized only I can be the one to save myself. There is no failure just moments in life that challenge us to do better or make changes so we feel better. Once we start on ourselves we can then be better for others or attract better.. the universe doesn't give you what you want it gives you things that you need because it's pushing you to be the person it knows you can be. But we can't let good or new things in until we deal or let go of the old things. You are your ticket to success and happy. The shitty part is I know we both had major struggles from the time we were little. We have to work extremely hard just to be where some others comfortable just are. This doesn't make them successful our levels are all based on our own experience. Fill your social media feeds full of things you love and help you feel good. Surround yourself when you can and practice kind speech to yourself especially. You are what you feed your mind hun. Be wary of your words because you are far more wonderful then you allow yourself to be. If things don't work out with someone it does suck but that means there's something else there. Sending big hugs and much love & light 💚
lornasharp:
I'm sorry you had some difficult times too, but I believe it can go better with time don't you think ? Thanks for your support by the way (and yes he meant emotionally ^^)

Have you ever felt lost inside, so unloved within that you almost die…

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I am back after a long hiatus after my account expired. So much has happened. The one constant thing is that the universe still treats me like it's bitch and kicks me in the nuts on a fairly regular basis. 8 days ago, I ended up scalding my foot at work severely. I was cleaning the steam table and draining the water when it overflowed...
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Hurts the soul

4

I love my job. I really do. But the biggest frustration is that there are so many owners that want a say in the business that it takes forever for anything to get done or decided on. For example:

Tomorrow we have our Grand Opening, even though we have been open since December 21st. Confusing I know but it gets better. We have talked about...
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user8992:
Sounds painful.. you truly care and it shows. I wish you amazing success despite the hurdles. I'm sure no matter what you do it will be amazing and you can only do your best despite a lack of competence. 😉😊 

The biggest lie I ever told

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This is an interesting subject. The biggest lie I have ever told has been to myself. I told myself that I was worth of love, and that was a lie. I told myself that she loved me( many she's in fact) and that was a lie. I told myself that I could look past many transgressions and continue relationships with family or with a lover,...
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melusine2908:
This was really deep and saddening to hear, I think that you are right; the biggest lies we tell are to ourselves. But I also believe everyone is worthy of love, no matter their addictions or issues, we are all broken and most addictions are proof of how having no one to care or love us can do. I hope you find people who show you real love and that you can get past all of your issues, because if no one can give you the love you deserve, I hope YOU do, I hope that against everything you find love for yourself and show it. 
user8992:
The hardest thing to do is love yourself and see your value  (I struggle daily) further to that it's then difficult to find proper healthy love however I believe people can love you even if they don't show it or you might not realize because of the way they show you. I have often felt like a burden to many, my parents and exs mainly) but now I see the personal struggles they have been facing (past and present ) they love me incredibly but are so tied up in their own suffering it's hard to love me how I've needed. I see this too that my own struggles prevent my being able to be here for others and you. It's not because I wanted to or love you or others any less.  It's because I'm not loving myself enough to feel better. I forgot my value and my happiness do its hard to be there for others.  You are an incredibly wonderful soul J. Don't ever forget that! 💚

Death and grief

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Saturday, when i walked into the door from a long day of work, i was met with news that a good friends step mother ( whom also took me in as a step son 6 years ago with the lunacy between my own mother and myself) passed away in her sleep that afternoon. I quickly collected my friend and drove her to her fathers house...
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user8992:
So sorry for your loss sweetheart. That's not good. She sounded amazing. 
user0616220901:
I'm sorry to read that ... and I can't give you any advice :/ the only thing that comes to my mind is that you can let her be with you forever in your memories <3 I send you a hug :*

Alcoholism

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I broke a cardnal rule for myself. I reconnected with my mother after 5 years because of my health. To be completely honest, i did it because i was ready to die from my stomach ordeals and wanted her to know that i didnt hate her and still loved her. She came full throttle back into my life and convinced me that florida was where...
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just_blake:
That's pretty intense. Alcoholism kills. 
user0616220901:
I feel your pain, really deep down, somewhere, where it's locked behind thick and heavy chains, in a box I buried. Be proud of yourself. You are amazingly strong: you took so much pain and still wanted to show your mother your love, feelings and that you care for her. Your action was, what I call humanity! Addiction starts as a decision and it's not your fault, if someone wants to walk that path. You did everything you could and more than others that gave up on your mother earlier. You were honest, even if it included suffering for both of you! I really want to hug you and tell you everything will be alright ... and things can be alright, when you find the balance between loving her and setting her free ... I think you're already on the way to do this! If I can support you in any way, let me know <3
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