For the majority of my life I was straight edge. No alcohol, no drugs of any kind. I didn't like the feeling of my brain not being my own. Having lived most of my life with chronic health issues, several years ago I did start exploring CBD and then THC to alleviate pain/anxiety.
Over the last few years I've also leaned into weed recreationally - I still really don't like alcohol, but it's nice to have an alternative to unwind / not always be the only sober person at gatherings.
For a long time I was still pretty nervous about anything "more" than weed, but on my PCT backpacking trip I ended up trying mushrooms by accident (not the standard culinary array lol). Someone gave me gummies I thought were THC and I didn't find out they weren't until I ate them. Don't take drugs from strangers? Or, honestly, maybe do sometimes.
It was an intense experience within an intense experience. My partner at the time was very into microdosing and had been pressuring me into trying mushrooms. I was starting to become tentatively curious, but didn't feel ready yet. I had a lot of anxiety about it, and the pressure to "just try it" made me more anxious, though I'd been talking with some friends about trying to create a time when I might feel safe to.
Then suddenly I'm a month into a five month backpacking trip, surrounded by strangers and cows, in the middle of reevaluating my life and everything I knew and wanted for myself and was unintentionally high af on a shroom trip I wasn't prepared for.
It was good, it was stressful, I was ultimately happy it happened, I didn't think I'd ever do it again. It just felt like a weed high for me at first, until I didn't. I tried to go to sleep - still not used to the sounds created by camping with a group of strangers in the wilderness, anxious about the massive cows wandering around the tent sites, watching my world change and shift and dissolve and rebirth. I spun my way into a dizzy sleep of confusing and intense dreams, to a mantra of telling myself I was good and safe and fine.
Over time that experience led me to putting out some creative writing projects that I was actually pretty proud of (Including my story Ramshackle Camp in this issue of Healthline Zine).
Years, better friends, and a heathier relationship later, I've been finding myself curious to try again - in a more planned environment. So this past weekend some of my favorite people and I headed out to the desert. Camping again, but surround by people I know and love and feel so incredibly safe and happy with.
Well, even the best laid plans... 🤣 Not everyone partook, but I asked for and was given a very baby sized portion relative to everyone else who did. It turns out I'm extremely sensitive? Anyway. I was extreeememeeelly out of it way more and way longer than anyone else so it was a much more intense experience than I expected... but honestly, still really good.
I purged a lot of emotions. The world was beautiful. My friends took such good care of me. The drive home I felt spent and tired but happy.
I'm grateful that I've had a lot to be happy for lately. The state of the world has been A Lot, and don't get me wrong - I have a lot of anger, frustration, grief, and more about it. But in terms of my own microcosm of life, I have nothing but exuberant joy.
I've found my way into an incredible friend group and energy.
My personal happiness gives me the energy to speak up and act out against things I fear are having and will continue to have deep lasting reprecussions, and I've built further community through that.
I've been creating the home of my dreams.
I'm in the happiest, most love-filled, best partnership of my life. And we ✨just got engaged✨.
My health continues to up and down, but I've had more good days than bad over the last month, and I feel seen, supported, and validated by my doctors and community.
I genuinely love the company and team I'm currently working for. Even though it's not my overwhelming passion, I feel seen, appreciated, and included. I got a raise after 6 months without even asking?? I like the workflow, I like the people, and I'm particularly grateful these days that it's not an American company lol.
The difference between now and just a few years ago is so stark. I don't entirely know how I fell into this state of things, but I'm grateful every day. Even on bad days.
