still feeling really really off from the coming down from effexor. yesterday was not so good. the previous night i had very vivid and disturbing dremas that left me uncomfortable all day. i dreamed that i was laying in bed and having bad dreams. in my dream i couldn't sleep and i was so incredibly tired but i had no control over my body...i was weak and couldn't move and sometimes something would push me or try to move me but i would just sort of roll like a rock until i stopped....it was painful but i had no control over anything....so in my dream i was restless and tired and disturbed and paralyzed and it made for a really bad night.
work the next day was not much better. working with rachael is really really starting to bother me even moreso now that i am off my meds....it doesn't help of course that i felt really strange yesterday...there were moments where i felt like i was very out of myself....like i was going a million miles an hour and completly immobile at the same time. i was dizzy, lightheaded, sweating profuslyand i had a horrible headache...and i had to deal with rachael. i am really good at what i do...sure, its not that impressive that i'm a good barista but i am good. i am really upbeat and friendly and i really do care about making my customers days that much better even if just for a moment....its hard working for/with a person who couldn't care less about anyone. i have actually had to apologize to customers for her rudeness....and her harshness and negativity affects me b/c it makes me unhappy and less excited about my job and so i am not performing up to my standards....her constant rudeness just makes me want to get the hell out of there. so yah, work was not so good.....
the day didn't end badly tho....while my body still felt wacky i actually had a very nice night. brent came down and took me downtown where we walked around in the park by the rock hall along lake erie. it wasn't too sunny but it was a warm night and i like that part of the city. it was nice. after the outing we pretty much just came home, relaxed a bit, and went to bed. *he* makes me happy.
today is my day off and of course its icky out. i think i have bad weather karma. actually, its wonderfully warm but overcast and rainy....but still, the lack of sun is getting to me. if i had wanted seattle weather i woudl have stayed in seattle. i am also fairly depressed today. i know its just the effexor come down but my lows are LOW. there is so much i need to do today....cleaning, orginizing, paying bills, etc....but i feel like a lump. i *cannot* do anything....my body / head is too tweaky to read or really concentrate on anything for too long....hell, i've been trying to write this damn entry for over an hour....i want to curl up and watch a movie but i have no remote for my dvd player so i cannot watch what i want. sounds like a silly reason to be frustrated but i feel a need for something warm and feelgood and Amilie is appealing to me...stupid me always forgetting to buy a remote at Target.
i have felt lonely today....the only time i didn't feel on the verge of tears was when i was out and about walking maddie and getting my nails done. but even that wasn't quite what i want....i need interaction, conversation, laughter....freinds. i feel very selfish and codependant wishing *he* could be here. not that wanting to spend time with a person is bad but i cannot be so dependant on him when i feel like i need to be around someone...*he* should not be the only one i look to when i am feeling sad and lonely......i need to make friends, i need to have poeple i can call up and say "lets do lunch," or "i don't feel well tonight wanna come over, make dinner, and watch a movie..." but i don't have that yet. i know i will and i really am optimistic in my looking forward to building an existance here. i suppose i have to remember that when i moved to seattle 3 years ago i didn't know a soul either....things come with time. So for now i really ought to just be grateful for what i have and not be such a whiney bitch....
on second thought, i think today i will allow myself to be whiney - i have an excuse afterall....my body chemistry is fux0rd. Today i want nothing more then to be selfish. I feel like i used to when i was a little girl and i was sickwith one of my constant ear infections. i didn't mind being sick b/c my daddy would stay home from work and coddle me and make sure that i felt loved and protected and comfortable even tho i was ill and in pain. Its strange on days like today i find myself thinking "i want to go home, i want my daddy" just like i used to when i was wee....not that i feel like i have a home to go to, or that i even have a halfway decent relationship with my father....i guess its just nostalgia for that feeling of knowing that someone loves me and wants to take care of me until i feel better....sometimes i really realize how much i need to grow up....i need to remember that i have myself and i am enough....its something i forget all to often...i even had to put a permant post-it note on my foot to remind myself. but today (thanks effexor!) reminding myself of my own strength and goodness is not enough....i want my daddy.
/end whine
work the next day was not much better. working with rachael is really really starting to bother me even moreso now that i am off my meds....it doesn't help of course that i felt really strange yesterday...there were moments where i felt like i was very out of myself....like i was going a million miles an hour and completly immobile at the same time. i was dizzy, lightheaded, sweating profuslyand i had a horrible headache...and i had to deal with rachael. i am really good at what i do...sure, its not that impressive that i'm a good barista but i am good. i am really upbeat and friendly and i really do care about making my customers days that much better even if just for a moment....its hard working for/with a person who couldn't care less about anyone. i have actually had to apologize to customers for her rudeness....and her harshness and negativity affects me b/c it makes me unhappy and less excited about my job and so i am not performing up to my standards....her constant rudeness just makes me want to get the hell out of there. so yah, work was not so good.....
the day didn't end badly tho....while my body still felt wacky i actually had a very nice night. brent came down and took me downtown where we walked around in the park by the rock hall along lake erie. it wasn't too sunny but it was a warm night and i like that part of the city. it was nice. after the outing we pretty much just came home, relaxed a bit, and went to bed. *he* makes me happy.
today is my day off and of course its icky out. i think i have bad weather karma. actually, its wonderfully warm but overcast and rainy....but still, the lack of sun is getting to me. if i had wanted seattle weather i woudl have stayed in seattle. i am also fairly depressed today. i know its just the effexor come down but my lows are LOW. there is so much i need to do today....cleaning, orginizing, paying bills, etc....but i feel like a lump. i *cannot* do anything....my body / head is too tweaky to read or really concentrate on anything for too long....hell, i've been trying to write this damn entry for over an hour....i want to curl up and watch a movie but i have no remote for my dvd player so i cannot watch what i want. sounds like a silly reason to be frustrated but i feel a need for something warm and feelgood and Amilie is appealing to me...stupid me always forgetting to buy a remote at Target.
i have felt lonely today....the only time i didn't feel on the verge of tears was when i was out and about walking maddie and getting my nails done. but even that wasn't quite what i want....i need interaction, conversation, laughter....freinds. i feel very selfish and codependant wishing *he* could be here. not that wanting to spend time with a person is bad but i cannot be so dependant on him when i feel like i need to be around someone...*he* should not be the only one i look to when i am feeling sad and lonely......i need to make friends, i need to have poeple i can call up and say "lets do lunch," or "i don't feel well tonight wanna come over, make dinner, and watch a movie..." but i don't have that yet. i know i will and i really am optimistic in my looking forward to building an existance here. i suppose i have to remember that when i moved to seattle 3 years ago i didn't know a soul either....things come with time. So for now i really ought to just be grateful for what i have and not be such a whiney bitch....
on second thought, i think today i will allow myself to be whiney - i have an excuse afterall....my body chemistry is fux0rd. Today i want nothing more then to be selfish. I feel like i used to when i was a little girl and i was sickwith one of my constant ear infections. i didn't mind being sick b/c my daddy would stay home from work and coddle me and make sure that i felt loved and protected and comfortable even tho i was ill and in pain. Its strange on days like today i find myself thinking "i want to go home, i want my daddy" just like i used to when i was wee....not that i feel like i have a home to go to, or that i even have a halfway decent relationship with my father....i guess its just nostalgia for that feeling of knowing that someone loves me and wants to take care of me until i feel better....sometimes i really realize how much i need to grow up....i need to remember that i have myself and i am enough....its something i forget all to often...i even had to put a permant post-it note on my foot to remind myself. but today (thanks effexor!) reminding myself of my own strength and goodness is not enough....i want my daddy.
/end whine
and you don't even care if somebody responds...
Only comment I can give this time is this:
I wish you luck coping with those drug-inflicted changes in neurochemistry. I hope youll adapt soon.