so how are things.....well.....things are alright. not horrible, not great. some elements of both but usually just about average. b/c my entries lately have been somewhat blah i will startsome of the greatness. i finally got a new helmet ( http://www.araiamericas.com/product/ast/ast_large/ast_aurora_black.jpg ) now i can go on the ducati without being scared for my life. we went for a ride yesterday and i feel like i am finally starting to get comfy on the bike. tho for future refrence, note to self: riding in a mini skirt = may as well right in just panties.
we have also been doing some fun stuff. last sunday we went fishing! i havn't been in ages....it was goodtimes. i have also been getting a ton of sun...thank god b/c i really needed it. so finally i am starting to morph into summertimebrowngirl.
work is also going well....i mean, its not excellent, but its getting better. this week i have shit for hours but thats ok b/c this saturday is the uber bme bbq at his house. i dunno if i am looking forward to it or not. will be ineteresting things going on.....good food, fire performance, ihung is doing flesh pulls.....but i am not exactly a big fan having to be social. i have this sort of problem where i am very shy and reserved in general. most of my friends tell me "when i met you i thougt you were a total bitch / i thought you hated me..." i am not a bitch. i admit have a bitchy snobbish side but i really only unleash that upon a select few....with most people i am just reserved and polite so social events like this bbq where no one knows me will be difficult b/c i have to try really hard to be social or come across like a bit of a cunt. we'll see what happens....i know there will be lots of good poeple there so i am looking forward to possibilities for goodness...its not like i know *anyone* out here right now.
also i am looking forward to the bbq for purely gastronmical reasons. i am having fresh seafood shipped next day air in an ice cooler from the small town in oregon where i grew up. there is nothing like spring chinook salmon, oysters, and fresh dungeness crab all right off the boat.....
speaking of food....and i think this is the "not so good" in my life right now. my ed is taking over more and more of my life. it has always been a private obsession but now that i have foundsomeone with whom i want to share everything, i find my issues really negativly affecting how i interact and how close i let him get....for me my eating issues are not "i want to not eat so i will be skinny and pretty and people will love/and or worship my hotness..." its about control. while i feel better as my anaself (clean, perfect, controled, valuable, strong as opposed to weak, pathetic, unworthy, dirty, disgusting, pathetic) my relationship isdefinatly bearing the brunt of this load.
i hate it when poepel say "but you are so preety you don't need to not eat...you are thin enough. i appriciate the gesture but thats not something i want to hear. i don't need/want/crave positive reinforcment of my personal worth from outsiders...its is not something that i deem necessary foir a happy exisstance....*i* alone can give mysel that sort of confidence.
what a combination he and i are.....my body obsession and his alcholism....i suppose the only difference is that he is on a good path and doing the things he needs to do for treatment while i on the otherhand absolutly love my disease when it only concerns me and not me as part of an us.
*le sigh*
well, i cannot sleep so i'm off to go find some spiration"....note to self: nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.....
heh. sorry, i'm not in earnest....i've just always wanted to say that.....so cliche.
we have also been doing some fun stuff. last sunday we went fishing! i havn't been in ages....it was goodtimes. i have also been getting a ton of sun...thank god b/c i really needed it. so finally i am starting to morph into summertimebrowngirl.
work is also going well....i mean, its not excellent, but its getting better. this week i have shit for hours but thats ok b/c this saturday is the uber bme bbq at his house. i dunno if i am looking forward to it or not. will be ineteresting things going on.....good food, fire performance, ihung is doing flesh pulls.....but i am not exactly a big fan having to be social. i have this sort of problem where i am very shy and reserved in general. most of my friends tell me "when i met you i thougt you were a total bitch / i thought you hated me..." i am not a bitch. i admit have a bitchy snobbish side but i really only unleash that upon a select few....with most people i am just reserved and polite so social events like this bbq where no one knows me will be difficult b/c i have to try really hard to be social or come across like a bit of a cunt. we'll see what happens....i know there will be lots of good poeple there so i am looking forward to possibilities for goodness...its not like i know *anyone* out here right now.
also i am looking forward to the bbq for purely gastronmical reasons. i am having fresh seafood shipped next day air in an ice cooler from the small town in oregon where i grew up. there is nothing like spring chinook salmon, oysters, and fresh dungeness crab all right off the boat.....
speaking of food....and i think this is the "not so good" in my life right now. my ed is taking over more and more of my life. it has always been a private obsession but now that i have foundsomeone with whom i want to share everything, i find my issues really negativly affecting how i interact and how close i let him get....for me my eating issues are not "i want to not eat so i will be skinny and pretty and people will love/and or worship my hotness..." its about control. while i feel better as my anaself (clean, perfect, controled, valuable, strong as opposed to weak, pathetic, unworthy, dirty, disgusting, pathetic) my relationship isdefinatly bearing the brunt of this load.
i hate it when poepel say "but you are so preety you don't need to not eat...you are thin enough. i appriciate the gesture but thats not something i want to hear. i don't need/want/crave positive reinforcment of my personal worth from outsiders...its is not something that i deem necessary foir a happy exisstance....*i* alone can give mysel that sort of confidence.
what a combination he and i are.....my body obsession and his alcholism....i suppose the only difference is that he is on a good path and doing the things he needs to do for treatment while i on the otherhand absolutly love my disease when it only concerns me and not me as part of an us.
*le sigh*
well, i cannot sleep so i'm off to go find some spiration"....note to self: nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.....
heh. sorry, i'm not in earnest....i've just always wanted to say that.....so cliche.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
jovana:
i dunno what movie youare refering to...but anyway...sorry for the spelling error and thank you oh so much for taking the time to post a comment pointing that out....its very critical to me (obviously) that my journal entries are academicly /gramaticly sound with perfect spelling. i cannot believe i let that one slip through! wow.....i guess i'm not perfect afterall....
iamspoonbender:
oooh, i think polar boy is referring to the movie "Ernest Goes To Jail" - haha..