It's been a while. SO much to process. I've been meaning to blog for quite some time. Not quite sure how to open... I've decided to bring back "Jiggery-pokery" as a common term in everyday vernacular. I expect each of you to dole it out at least once this week, situation permitting. Moving alone.
I'll start with the good!
MUSIC. Lots of new discoveries and great live shows. First of all, Kishi Bashi. He opened for the great Rodrigo Y Gabriela and I had tears in my eyes just watching him create these elaborate tapestries of sound. Incredible talent and beautiful lyrical imagery. The way the crescendos filled the venue sent shivers down my spine and I was completely lost in what was unfolding before me... It sounds cliche, there's no denying that. But I think life is felt most deeply in moments such as those.
I also had the great pleasure of seeing Mr. Neil Patrick Harris himself perform in NYC as the inimitable Hedwig (along with the Angry Inch). I've been a huge fan of the show for many years and still think the origin of love is one of the most perfect songs ever written. A highlight of the show had to be the projection of animation accompanying the song onto the scrim curtain, with Hedwig interacting and reacting. A unique twist on a sequence brought to life in the original film. Many mornings I'll wake up from dreams with a palpable ache and feeling of incompleteness. I don't believe in fate, and only to a lesser degree soul-mates... but I could swear that the pain I feel being separated from the one I love is as real as the song makes it out to be in its elaborate mythology. It's nice to be reminded of how the need for love and acceptance is, at its root, human. What a transcendent performance.
And then I ended up with a free ticket to see AFI and Linkin Park. Which is cool, cause... you know. AFI and Linkin Park. 30 Seconds to Mars was also there, but with the sea of screaming fans waving enormous flags emblazoned with some sort of triangular emblem, the band's heavy-handed emo style and a pre-show soundtrack consisting of Orff's 'Carmina Burana', the whole affair felt a bit like this:
Sorry, Jared Leto, but you're no Roger Waters.
Moving along some more. WORK.
I got a call back to continue working on the project I'd been dumped from. Which effectively put a cap on my other script which I decided to re-evaluate and start over in an effort to move on, so it's back to the drawing board. And after a series of back-handed compliments it seems as though my work is finally being appreciated. I guess all I had to do the whole time was suck up and be a willing yes-man. Industry secret: if someone refers to your work as "too obvious", "not exciting" and filled with "boring, dribbling, dialogue" but then abruptly decides that you're somehow worth it after all, try not to be too confused. Just swallow your pride and continue to be spoken down to despite your degree which says you're otherwise educated enough to do the job at hand.
And then there's my love life. Is everyone's dating career a total disaster 24/7? In order to not feel like I'm alone in this, the conclusion I've drawn is that number 1, all pop culture lies; and number 2, the collective dreams/wishes of single people who are responsible for creating pop culture's stance on romance should be commended for being geniuses enough to figure out a way to lie like hell and get paid for it.
Without resorting to emo tactics, this feels relevant:
But seriously. All joking aside, I've never felt more like I'm walking a fine line between constantly saying the right things at the wrong times and being too plain stupid to know there's a place for anything at all. One of my close friends brought up an interesting point. She mentioned that I have a history of being involved with people who are ... needy. I think it's developed something of a complex in me where I feel a need to "fix" everything, despite evidence that would suggest otherwise. If I'm not content making someone feel like they have a sturdy emotional foundation to fall back on, I inherently feel like I'm under-performing. I think it's reached the point that I don't quite know how to be my own person unless I'm an anchor, a fixer, or an answer. Which doesn't seem healthy, but neither does it feel unhealthy - I'm not the one who seeks out the relationships, mostly. They seem to find me. Where's the balance between knowing your own strengths enough to feel fulfilled as a single person and finding value in transferring your strength to another person who can show you parts of yourself you'd never have seen otherwise?
Shit. Maybe that was the most emo thing anybody's ever written. Maybe that concert is bringing out the 16 year old kid in me who's about a decade too late to the scene. My inner adult wants to sit on a porch and yell at him, calling him "whippersnapper" and being crotchety. But that's almost admitting defeat in the face of a desire to embrace these experiences at any cost, no matter how dramatically escalated and juvenile they sometimes feel. Somehow all those lies in the movies and on TV seem simpler and more attainable. Maybe recognizing that is the point of all of this emotional jiggery-pokery.
BOOYAH, this post just came full-circle! 10 points for me. And 10 points deducted for saying "booyah". Yikes.