quasi-indulgent mental breakdown blog post.
One of my relationships has split at the seams again. She told me that i'm too uncertain... which is in no way untrue. I am uncertain - about my stability economically and emotionally, and my self-esteem has taken a fresh hit with the rejection of my latest script draft. I spent a whole damn week in Canada taking notes and hashing through pages only to drive the 10 hours back home from the studio lot angry and frustrated.
I don't know what to do, or how to justify (if I even should) why I'm worth keeping around, without a job and constantly on the defense. "You're always deflecting compliments." Is my ability to communicate effectively so diminished that I'm subconsciously resorting to glutton-for-punishment tactics?
For every day I feel lost and without a purpose, there are moments when I see in the world around me things that remain inspirational. Gene Ween has just released a new record called Freeman which eases some years-old heartbreak concerning the dissolving of Ween, and his own mental health. It's like visiting an old friend who's disappeared for a while, went and got married, and had kids - the familiar personality ticks, but filtered through a different lifestyle. It's beautiful and warms my soul.
It sounds nuts, but I'm finally picking up where I left off in 2007 on a draft of a story based on the creation mythology in the Legend Of Zelda universe. There's a piece of music and an image I can't erase from my mind of a giant's hands reaching into view through a maelstrom to hold up the moon from plummeting into the earth. It's mournful and mysterious and epic, and I feel like it deserves treatment in a visual/aural medium.
I'll get there.