_catalyst_

you know, sometimes i wake up from my positive thinking dreams.

then i want to kill myself.

when i actually look at my life...

what the fuck am i doing?

nothing. everything i 'have' is on loan or from someone else.

i am just a lazy opinionated brat and i really don't serve any purpose execpt to drain the ones who try to carry me along since i can't seem to take care of myself.

i seriously feel like i'm living for dreams. all of these things that i want to have or to happen that never do but i keep telling myself it'll happen someday.

then i come back to reality again and feel like i got ran over by the reality bus.

i can either be miserable without ends or miserable with all of the time and effort i put into a job that i don't like or care about.

i don't like these options, but i have nowhere to turn. it's either slave away or give up.

i'm sitting at home instead of partying why?

-i spent my last gas going to pick shawn up from work and now am stranded...for good. i have 0 dollars to my name.
-i'm feeling sorry for myself.
-i lost the fucking gem end to my lip stud and it keeps coming out and i have no idea how to make it stay in except to stay awake and sit still all night.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Edit...................

Okay so getting really low like that really reminds me that I always have control of my thoughts and emotions....

If I can control nothing else, I can still have a good day. If fantasizing about how I want things to be is what makes me feel better, than so what?