snow

the snow fell today
and i watched my skin turn pale
my wrists bled in the bathtub
but i am home at last
the hospital kept me warm
i didn't return your calls

dool.

punching me and the wall
in one swift pitch
i feel the blood on my lip
dripping down my teeth
you had me in the dark
for 36 hours
a day too late
as your face is hollow
i breathe through your neck
my hands are bleeding
from lack of communication
i cannot see
my heart is crashing
this is me hating you
i cut...
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so apparently i am drunk.

and i am not toned enough?!? not fit enough or some crap for tour. this is completely fucked up. i weigh fucking 90 lbs right now because i am not eating and i am dancing all the time. so who in their right mind says i am not in shape and i need to work out more! i fucking hate...
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crash and burn.

i leave for tour in 15 days. i am excited and nervous. i have so much to do....
i am feeling the pressure...and the weight that is being placed upon me. my personal situation is shit. i have no money to buy shit for tour. i wish i had an advance or something. i have anxiety every fucking day. i am not...
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it doesn't taste right
i don't know who you are
your voice carries over the chords
i only know how to cry

another day of tattoos, tattoos, and more tattoos. they are everywhere and they are staring at me.

it will feel so good.
i love the pain.

right at this moment....

the morphine is kicking back in and i am listening to tool. do i feel like i am in another time and place? YES.

someone is getting SNOW tattooed on their knuckles with stars.

there is enough canvas for me to paint on, but there is no paint.

still no computer.....so don't be offended if i didn't write you back.....or send you pages and pages of painful poetry.....that you could only read, if you imagined the words were blood.....

when i go on tour i want to get a new journal to write in.....and of course my new laptop (i swear i will get it soon) so i can keep up with SG......i...
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maybe he forgot
maybe he didn't know

the bruises on my neck
are not meant to break me

i talk to you for hours
your head remains fixed

screaming. we scream at eachother all night.

i see you when you're hollow
i see you in your space
i see them carving
right out your face
....

doot doot doot
i have to go pic up...
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yeah.....i'm not updating my journal because i'm mysterious.....yup....uh-huh.....elusive.....

whatever.

i should be getting a new computer in a week or so....woo hoo.

isn't there a cartoon from the early eighties with rabbits.....a movie.....rabbits and violence and blood? or maybe it was just about rabbits, but i added the special effects....?