It has been a terrible 2024. Heartache, longing, security and cybersex on point... and then relationships , friendships, passing aways, police , hospitals, and then quite a hostile settling in at my new temporary home had me quite down. On top of that I guess the way the legal system works when you have a hearing is you just basically go insane and all these hundreds of voices in your head question you about a million different things at once leaving you totally confused and confounded until you break down and scream (inner voice) SHUTUP. you explain the meaning of life, death, metaphysics of aternate realities and spirit realms, awareness of the impact on physical reality these elements have and on our sense of life love and purpose esp in a spiritual/religious sense.... and then say ok im fed up with these personal questions i want 10000$ for my grievance time and education services lets say over the past 5 days half to go to my ex girlfriend half to be delivered to me-
and all of the sudden you hear case closed and that your ex is running off with her new boyfriend and 5000$ (of course you recieve none and still cant afford a pack of cigarettes this week) but the voices in your head which have been tormenting you for 15 years+ finally simmar down to a near silence with the odd comment here and there and someone you love and is close to you tells you that yes indeed you and your oldest soldier friends from childhood took over the holy land, we gave it back to the israelites who could not maintain peace then performed a coup and established it as the holy roman empire and that is the effect of our effort. This 15 year struggle of doctors, drugs, insanity, my life dwindling before my eyes, constant orderings of where to go how to go where to be when to be, drug dependance, poor relationships, poor aims at relationships, high hopes without any sure footing (mostly)
and a general poor attitude due to loss and trauma...
are basically washed from me. I wake up this morning without the usual confusion and chaos. Yes I am locked out of my phone for an hour because i cannot remember my passcode but that is for the best. My mind is basically wide open like those sad people you hear in gangster rap songs who get their brains split and everyone can see their mind... its been that way for decades for me. I actually know the cure, a nice shot of vinegar to decalcify the pineal gland and get some natural auric defenses up, a intense shot of coke or clean speed, to get the heart and blood pumping and some high activity in the brain, and followed by a clean perfect shot of heroin to completely block out extra communications bring the spirit and mind solely back inside the brain/body/inner universe, shut out extraneous communications and establish its unique privateness from the world.
I however, took an oath to not shoot ever since my nephew was born. And though I do not get to spend time with them (my nephews or sister, or much of my family at all) I am now well aware that while I didnt win any grievance money, my siuation didnt improve at all, i have no better outlook for my future (no job, restricted disability pay, art and other projects that continuously end or are destroyed pre completion ((see: self destructive tendencies)) , my technology hardware and clothes are in need of repair and i am seriously broke and not where I imagined to be at ALL at my age , knowledge and skill level...
That I am waking up quite rejuvinated. Yes, i must have been sleep playing my "OBSESSIVE ENTIRE LIFE PISS THE WORLD OFF GAME- as i woke up dead" that is the only thing that makes sense in my oversensitive psychic magical metaphysical mind - is that if "they" are still watching and waiting for a moment to attack that moment is not now. That perhaps the reason i keep over worrying about missing people from my life isnt because some nefarious force has captured them rather that it is simply time for me to move on. And even furthmore... I feel very secure today in knowing that yes... My health isn't what it used to be. My funds certainly arent what they used to be. My identity legal status connection to friends and family its basically all completely wiped.
and im happy. I get to write to my father next saying I now know the extent to the deep amount of pain i personally have caused you or atleast have some rough idea. I feel terrible about it and do not want to waste your time, but i love you and support you fully. You continue to come through at the last minute and this time i actually had thouht I had lost you for good. And even knowing your involvement was partly through desire for reparations on your end, i still commend you for justly defending me where I faltered out of lack of energy and focus. (my weak points and areas that require medical assistance)
i think he will be very pleased to hear that.
i am encouraged to find myself a partner. I know you girls make yourselves readily available to entertain at little to no cost and make it classy artful or extra hot on occasion for us young bucks. Not that I can actually call myself a young buck. At 37 im becoming viscerally aware that all those passed up opportunities for bravery, all that health activity and then debauchery and repetitious lifestyle patterns that lead nowhere have basically left me in near depravity and not much use to any woman at all except in my most basic function. I keep myself quite clean, i have an impressive member, uncut/natural circumcision (its a dualie) i shave i have tattoos .. i might not be muscle man or the image of physical strength but I have been working on REAL magican and I have witnessed a great many miracle in a very short period of time. I even wandered into the DEVIL's personal home and had a chat with him and walked away with my ass and body intact and unburnt. I may be destined for hell one day. My brother is sure he is going and I said not without me youre not. Im sure #3 will tag along to save our dumb asses. He is the hero of heroes after all. Im just a half breed with a ripped off wing (the feathery one) ... so i mix my special meds into a huge bottle of dragonslayer vape juice and just basically go completely middle of the road brainwave length... active signal, travelling forward, no real input or output and plug away at whatever mindless activity untill its time to engage other functions and figure out a unique connection to the "machine" or "metaphysic" or whatever to achieve my goal.
mostly i wanted to include a quick note;
im actually looking for somewhat of a partner or a friend? someone who might want to keep up in conversation from time to time or possibly even meet for real? Maybe id have a better bet trying to find a street gal n convince her i can set her up here on SG with a beautiful pre member show... not that i have the professional equipment i think i just have the skills and edits that can make something count for someone. Im quite lonely. Ive lost a hell of a lot of friends and family due to the wars ive waged. Some were victorious, some were complete failures... and again for my my victory and safety was ensured by the fact that I was not after money in these arenas... Im quite lonely. There are people around but I want to connect to someone special. Certainly someone available. And possibly someone willing to engage in a lifestyle where the two of us may be more the main concern than garnering the attraction of a large group of people. I really wanted to include my post shower brush and shave photo. I have lost some weight as ive been doing weeks dead/weeks awake but my tattoos are lookin sharp on my fresh shaved torso and my... well.. ill give him wiggles n squeezes n look at you little teases until hes looking fresh like a pillar in the desert and wanted to show off my "blues as always" but half naked pyjama photo. Call it the woman in me. I want to be appreciated for being beautiful too. Its not a competition, and you can find me ugly. Just say two sexy people agree we think were both good looking... lets have a little talk and not just peruse the photos? lets actually say a few words and connect like proper ... lusty/lover/pleasure friends.
i really need a friend basically. I dont want to fall into the traps of the past. Im not into interfering with things that are already ongoing. Im new in my neighborhood and im on my own without my usual unending support from my family. (not that it hasnt been absolute hell) I just feel good is all.. and if anyone wants to connect.. im here... now lets see this cellphone for pictures.. yup locked for an hour. and thats IF i can guess the code. Sorry... damn really wanted to play role of seducer myself. Ill just leave it at that I have a big imagination I CAN touch you through the screen andi love gently parting lips and giving little rosebuds a suck until they shake and leak and I feel all better seeing your face light up with pleasure and moans.
then again.. someone angry at me told me the entire 7 orgasm best sex ever was horrible for her and she doesnt feel a damn thing. I dont need the truth or the not the truth, everyones got their own truth... but if women really dont enjoy sex i dont either.. Which has my guy kinda wiggling around as hes like wtf if im not doing it for you ill just retire. but I know shes just mad. so please. drop me a line or two, tell me about yourself. send some pictures. get creative with the writing. Ireally need a real friend. this isnt about money - i dont have a cent to spare and im quitting smoking cigarettes. it has everything to do with ... connection.