break from the usual bullshit i guess. been pretty crazy past few weeks. no real reason why. just couldnt figure 1+1. making my way with what i got. little bit for rent, little bit for this n that. gotta go to church tonight which im not really down for. you know im a winter animal and this summer is fucked up hot and my room is the hottest in the whole house. im tryn not to think in terms of god and the devil right now cuz shit got a little real. swear 2024 has been like a constant acid trip minus the mindblowing sex and happy feelings. Full on garbled language understanding, hallucinations, evil thoughts, rambling like a psycho... fuck it.. i mean this week i picked up my meds yesterday, showered brushed teeth tryna take care of the basics (shaved, ya i know you ladies like it) and im using blistex as afterbalm cuz im too poor to afford the good shit right now? its cooling off but i felt like i had a electric heater freezer on my nutsack a minute ago. im watchin the SG movie, "must die" its pretty cool. kinda feelin something a little more like.. u know.. full on naked breaking SG guidelines not for profit just e-fuck me kind of vibe but its nice to get to know some of you on a more regular level. anyways, worked two days in a row for like the first time in years.. so long as you dont count activism guerillaism, gangsterism, copism, cia-ism, schismism... i wanna jack my dick off all day isms...
yeah as you can see ive taken to using humor as a defence mechanism so im basically cracking jokes all day until i want to kill myself. been telling my doctor for 8 months nearly now that i need my original dose which is 1/3 and double of 2 of my medications, and because i abused my sleeping pills they dont exactly work at all anymore they kinda keep me up and i snort them becuase they taste good and i guess that just psychologically reminds me of coke so i get wired and stay up...
i mean , no real complaints, just im down 3 days meds and its not even noon of the second day. yes i did a lot of work and i feel ok, but guaranteed church (alchoholics anonymous) and no i dont drink. is going to burn my fucking ass, listening to people bitch about how they cant make their own decisions. god bless its my family for now cuz i got kicked out but jesus christ i been in this program 7+ years and in psych wards for 12+... its so stupid at the end of the day, its like i could be either having way more fun, meeting way cooler people , or living a more regular life style.. but its just like junkie going nowhere fuckin insane city non stop.
im being pro active about it now, i get my dads whole view on the whole thing. figure it out yourself, make your own way, be grateful for what you got, and keep working. that was my main problem, i wasnt "looking for a soft landing" like my dad touted, i just wanted the same support everyone else got, especially after making so many sacrafices. the lesson for me is sacrafice what you will of yourself , for others... but dont expect anything back. i gotta start carving out whats mine. im 37 yeah, but i could pass for 16 if had to... so i have my health and my youth, im cutting out a lot of bad habits... im almost positive ill find a new faithful if not controllable girlfriend by the end of the fall... or ill just be happy with yall! im just feelin a bit... not insecure fucked up. i recently watched oldschool again. classic favourite from youth. i feel a lot like mitch. i always related to mitch. sure im frank the tank and i have responsibilities i dont even know about ...but mostly im just tellin some underage blonde girl ilove her as she walks out the door.
so... feel free to leave a message or walk in and out of my door. i passed up giving myself a good ol tug while my roommate was in the shower to write this message. no fukin real sex, no fuckin self sex, no fuckin teasy dream... just bullshit bitches round the block wanting my cock. i got issues ok i dont trust 90% of these hoes.