I don't know how to approach this topic without seeming like I'm trying to get attention. But the fact is, sometimes I use this blog as a way to vent. Even if it's just shouting in the dark, it feels better to do so than to just bottle it all up. Right. So...
Anyone who doesn't know me, doesn't know that I've been dealing with pretty severe depression for most of my life. It's constant, even on good days. And for a long time now, I've been thinking a lot about suicide. Most nights, I can't sleep because it's always there in my head. "Wouldn't it be better if you just killed yourself? You've got the knife, why not just use it?" Maybe that's the real reason I always carry a knife. I always thought it was because I'm paranoid. But it just occurred to me that there might be another reason for it all together.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm running out of excuses to not do it. I try to give myself reasons. I try to think of why I shouldn't just end it. And everyday in having more and more trouble trying to find a valid reason to go on living.
I fill my days the best I can with little distractions. Bullshit phone games, mindless tv shows, anything to distract my mind from the persistent call of the otherside. But as time goes on, it's not enough.
And what would it hurt? I've amounted to nothing, I've accomplished nothing. If I ceased to exist tomorrow, no one would bat an eye. Not even my small corner of the world would notice anything missing. Hell, it might make things better, it might make things easier on the people in my life. I know that's why my best friend won't talk to me anymore. Because his life is better without me in it.
Honestly, I don't see it ending any other way. Not anymore. I think I used to believe that there was more to it. That I would live to an old age because something would happen to change my mind. That some higher power existed who would stop me. I'm not sure that I believe in anything anymore.
It's weird, living on day after day, when all I really want is to die.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired. I'm so god damned tired.
I'm sorry. If you actually read this, I'm sorry to put you through that. But I felt like I needed to get it out there. So, don't me. It's not worth the trouble.
