yet, still, new pain and new loss can hit like a ton of bricks, bringing up familiar yet unique emotions and thoughts alike.
the fact I got a call this morning at work was an immediate sign it had happened, before I even picked up the phone to answer and hear my fathre's cracking voice and tears...
that my aunt had passed - an aunt who'd been in hospice for over a week now since they removed her from life support, unresponsive and only a heart pumping infected blood keeping her on
( a strong heart for a strong woman who'd been battling dementia for over a year )
it took a couple minutes post-call, but I did break... even if only for a few minutes in the gm's office that felt like hours had passed
so... aye... it was on-and-off all workday, but I stayed - the distraction and focus much needed, so very much
and, as I've mentioned before, this is far from the first death in my life - not even the first death this year, nor likely the last with others I know either terminal or in dire conditions, hospitalized and otherwise
I've been in physical pain my entire life, along with new pain I've... earned... in the years between
but, even though I don't even normally notice the constant pain anymore, I'm so used to it, the... emotional pain... such as that today, in a weird way ignites the knowledge and awareness of the pain that had been there, ignored...
almost as if the body needs it to enhance the emotional to surpass the hold one is trying to keep, the break the dam, the floodgate, of the new, painful emotion
*sighs*
Pain and loss... always interlinked, sometimes striking hard and immediately, but not always - I was relatively strong for my sister's death for quite some time before it hit me... HARD. I've still been relatively strong concerning what would've been my eldest and youngest children who didn't make it to childbirth, though one was close...
Pain and loss - often the key words for my life, EVERY time so very, very different in how it hits and how much they meant to me
Pain and loss, something I should be used to... but likely never will be, never completely.
I've seen two people take their last breaths - more than anyone should've ever had to, depending on whom you ask.
I've watched someone OD ( something that sometimes haunts me, knowing what I did and didn't do, being the only other person in the room ).
I've blamed myself for some, blamed others for, well, others
Some have changed me, some I changed myself because of
I'm not religious - at least, not as people define being so, especially regarding "organized religion" - but I will listen to those who are, such as my gm this morning who was lending an ear I was much grateful for, such as friends who don't push their beliefs
When I let the ex know, she asked if I wanted to trade weekends, despite an overly-planned next few months...
of course I said "no," for multiple reasons - including the fact that we have to talk about our daughters' education ( due to info that arose earlier this week that neither of us are impressed about and completely changes plans we had regarding them in the near-future )
also because, quite frankly, a weekend alone is one thing - a weekend alone with this... don't know if I could quite keep sane through it or distracted enough to keep from completely breaking down and finding myself at some local bar ordering drink after drink until I piss someone off or try to start a fight just to feel it...
*sighs*
so, yes, I have my girls - and will have an important discussion involving them shortly after the ex arrives with them tomorrow am
Pain and loss - it's as if I'm at odds with myself, from moment to moment, then fine for a few, then not-so-fine for a few more
I can't imagine what my fathre is feeling, losing his last remaining sister - him or his last remaining brother
someone he spent time with from childhood to late, 70+ years gone by
'course, I can't imagine 70+ years at all, even though I've lived 40+ and the ex-wife has assured me - with my "luck" and refusal to ever give up - that I'll live forever, or at least until nothing remains of my body to continue
she jokes that I'll be that 150+ yr old man behind the glass in a scientists lab, them looking at me wondering HOW?!? while I continue to order them to just kill me already
*smirks*
who knows - it's not as if I've gone to a doctor in over 25yrs other than necessary emergency room or the rare UC visits, so maybe I AM healthy ( beyond the lifetime and earned pains and physical damage, of course)...
but I don't want to find out, because I can't afford to do anything anyways whatever the prognosis would be - even if I could afford to see a doctor
ANYways... that's been most of the day - and week - with a few other things shifted aside for necessity ( and brevity ? )
Farethee well for now, my Lovelies and Gentlefolk, with the hopes that you're having a FAR better and less stressful day and week - with more to come !
twittage ::
2/10 : you know s'been awhile since you went through your 'primary' home e'mail when you find you have 7000+ e'mails to go through ... *yeesh* - maybe, just maybe, I should check the e'mail more often than just when I know I need to look for something ? *ponders*
2/16 : what's the first thing *I* think when I hear about school shootings ? mental health. you hear these backstories about their mental issues, whether undiagnosed or on meds ( they were or weren't taking ) - why ? state schools closed for decades, inability to force med taking, etc
This Week's Random Playlist (albums) ::
Hinder - Extreme Behavior
AC/DC - [multiple albums]
watched recently :
via rental/streaming:
Agents Of SHIELD (5th Season)
Lucifer (3rd Season)
Supergirl (3rd Season)
The Flash (4th Season)
Legends Of Tomorrow (3rd Season)
Arrow (6th Season)
Bug (1975)
The X-Files (1st & 2nd Season)
Bio-Dome
The Voices
Something Beneath
Star Trek: Discovery (1st Season)
ownedflix:
Gods Of Egypt
My Cousin Vinny
Van Helsing
The Gamers: Hands Of Fate
-thom Wolfox sR Rhose, AK/GOT (OOP)
unusualist - I have yet to find a religion and/or spirituality that fits my own personal beliefs... other than, of course, the fact I am a (fallen) god.