vii47

i've spent a lot of time recently not knowing what i'm doing or what i want to be doing.. it's kinda like i've been in this fuzzy haze while out to drift in the middle of a very dark ocean. the tides are very gentle and calm most of the time and there is little light or rain but it feels like this merely the calm before the storm. when i close my eyes in the silence of my daily nothingness, i often visualize bright and fleeting moments of light and pain. i feel very detached and gravitating towards a place of complete disconnection... it's almost as if i'm mentally exiling myself from everyone i know. i feel no motivation or concern for my future. i feel nothing but a numbness that is beginning to consume my every fiber. i spend most of my days behind my desk at my computer just listening to music over and over. i barely eat during the daytime or move from the same spot other than to go to the bathroom, and while i feel bored, i cannot fathom anything else i'd rather do. it's as if i'm becoming content with decay. i see no reason to bother or put forth really any effort, i assume failure or embarrassment and harassment and no matter how much i try to cast these fears aside i still find myself with no motivation to actually try to do anything or make anything or myself.. the only miniscule effort i exert ever is in my music which i am rapidly losing faith and interest in. i am afraid once i lose my interest in that, my final hobby and only real connection left to desires, emotions, dreams, ideas, and beliefs i will see nothing left in life. i have already become so nihilistic and doubting of this world and what we view to be life that i feel like my very existence is slipping away to somewhere else, is it death? another life? another dimension? or just to a sick place in my own head, it really makes no difference as i know i am the only one subjecting myself to this life and fate. the problem is i don't know how to stop.