Monday Jun 19, 2006

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I want to prove how strong I am. How I can subsist on my own will and shrink my world to the barest, minimal capacity. I want to cancel out the excess--no drama, no drugs, no depression, no more bullshit. Right now my senses are still dulled, but I know there's a way out of the madness if I want it. Which I do. And if I am willing to do the work to get it. Which I'm not. I want to ride the wave of enthusiasm for a new beginning but I'm too fucking lazy and convinced my life is spirialing down vaccuum suction cycle of self-induced shit anyway, so what's the point? Okay, I know I'm being a bit over-dramatic here. I abosolutely love life and sometimes I catch the most amazing glimpse of all the beauty and love I have been blessed by life with. I know now you can't buy euphoria like that on a street corner or smoke it or shove it up your nose. I've earned that knowledge. However, I've poured so much of myself into getting better, only to be dissapointed when everything failed. I know 've been given the tools--But there's just something preventing me from using them.

A cure for laziness would be much appreciated. I think my brain is melting.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
darlinginvalid:
i find it easy to be lazy about any and everything in the heat. Popcicle sticks will cure! For sure. whatever
montressor:
i know you did not mention friends in the context of drama and perhaps *maybe* their impact on your laziness, but a way i find to break through such things are to do things by yourself. if a perfect, i mean this in a very loose sense, fantasy escapes you then spending time with you is an easy way for self-analysis and discovery of what one wants most. you mentioned madness and a need to escape from it but *if* moderation, virtue, can be applied then this state of mind can actually reveal what you most want through flights of fancy. drop all of the accusations of yourself and of others (remember only your opinion really matters and as you said beauty and from what i intuitively know, your intelligence as well, should provide a great basis for a lifting of spirits; i know this sounds like [i slipped typing that last word saying Life instead of Like] (i know useless information) major self-indulgence but it works.

and if the madness is especially bad then someone to talk to would be the best elixir, a down-to-earth non-dramatic close friend or if this is serious a professional might be the best choice if you are inclined even though a mention of drugs was stated in a negative light but whether legal or illegal i shall apply to this to both since i do not know.

i understand about being thwarted in endeavors happens all the time, and is a severe blow to perfectionists, but sometimes things are out of our control no matter how much force we might exert trying to influence the outcomes. tactically choose your battles and then throw everything you have at winning (and i know winning is not the best word but if you figure the best path not only for you but who or what you are dealing with then not only will you feel better about everything but treating one's enemy well will breed goodwill which will long-term make the victory doubly rewarding. philosophy works for me through insight, knowledge, plain enjoyment, and ways of conquering demons both internal and external.

sorry for the length, i hope this helped, hope you are doing better, and sorry for not contacting earlier, i was off destroying obstacles of my own and it is hard

best of luck

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