I have, for the time being, come home to Michigan.
My 'sickness' still hasn't broken away... Im at some strange point where the "withdrawl" symptoms seem to come and go...
However, other things are MUCH better. For instance, my memory is clearing up noticably. Further, my mood is improving.. for awhile, I was really shitty (emotionally, towards others) acting and really easy to go on the defensive... even when irrational. Granted, some foul shit was pulled ono me, and I had my little temper tantrums.
I am more at peace now. Your (plural, inclusive) rejections dont hurt as bad anymore... I still cannnot begin to understand the whole 'losing several friends at once' thing.. but now I just chuckle a bit, I have no choice but to let go of those who have turned away from me in my weakest point. I needed love, and that was the LAST thing i felt coming my way (except by you girl.. you know who you are). My position has become this; I have some amends to make, but I am sure some of you are too sick of me to hear it out. So, Im going to just smile and nod and chill out. I have this luxury now. If you want to be close to me again, I will not avoid your email or posts or calls... I would welcome them. I (we) have fucked up some great relationships, relationships I miss badly. I genuinely feel that if you took another (even if cautious) try with me, you would be surprized.
In so many ways, and hopefully for the best, Ive become the Mika'il that lived under this skin before drug addiction.
I wait for you. Just give a sign...its time for forgiveness, right?
Ugh, I miss Mr. R.
Funny.. some of my more recent entries are just cowardly fits, driven by heroin withdrawl.. shitty, pure emotion half-assed in type.
Im gross, huh? (BURN me)
If you are reading this, the chance is I miss you, but feel totally estranged from you and Im too guilt ridden or shy to call.
I know some of you, my friends, have given over to just hating me. Anyhow, my life is in upheaval, and I could use a few solid, loving people near me... so, call?
Today, I was thinking about one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.... Ive rarely appeciated something so silly and simple so grandly.
I was living in my previous apartment. 'K' and I were dating.
It was a weekend evening, and i knew she was coming over. I recall that I had made dinner for the two of us, Fra Diavolo Penne if I recall correctly.
I lived on the tenth floor of a building downtown in Detroit, and attended CCS. I had gone to my window. I looked down to the guest parking below, only to see her car pull up.
She opended the door, and I could hear techno blasting.. all the way to the tenth.
Anyway; 'K' just got out of her car, and in the open parking lot, she began dancing wildly to her own music.
She did so for about ten minutes.
I never told her; but I was so overwhelmed with how adorable I thought she was, that I neglected my cooking just to watch the entire display of '"K's" inner child.. which is rare...
I almost tear up when I recall it.
She is long gone.. but i miss my gypsy-bot.
Once and a while, it still hurts.
I sure hope you are happier than I, my love.
I will not dare forget you... not a moment of you.
P.S: Cureelise is fucking great. SHe sent me the cutest letter while I was hospitalized. Thank you baby... its going in a scrapbook
My 'sickness' still hasn't broken away... Im at some strange point where the "withdrawl" symptoms seem to come and go...
However, other things are MUCH better. For instance, my memory is clearing up noticably. Further, my mood is improving.. for awhile, I was really shitty (emotionally, towards others) acting and really easy to go on the defensive... even when irrational. Granted, some foul shit was pulled ono me, and I had my little temper tantrums.
I am more at peace now. Your (plural, inclusive) rejections dont hurt as bad anymore... I still cannnot begin to understand the whole 'losing several friends at once' thing.. but now I just chuckle a bit, I have no choice but to let go of those who have turned away from me in my weakest point. I needed love, and that was the LAST thing i felt coming my way (except by you girl.. you know who you are). My position has become this; I have some amends to make, but I am sure some of you are too sick of me to hear it out. So, Im going to just smile and nod and chill out. I have this luxury now. If you want to be close to me again, I will not avoid your email or posts or calls... I would welcome them. I (we) have fucked up some great relationships, relationships I miss badly. I genuinely feel that if you took another (even if cautious) try with me, you would be surprized.
In so many ways, and hopefully for the best, Ive become the Mika'il that lived under this skin before drug addiction.
I wait for you. Just give a sign...its time for forgiveness, right?
Ugh, I miss Mr. R.
Funny.. some of my more recent entries are just cowardly fits, driven by heroin withdrawl.. shitty, pure emotion half-assed in type.
Im gross, huh? (BURN me)
If you are reading this, the chance is I miss you, but feel totally estranged from you and Im too guilt ridden or shy to call.
I know some of you, my friends, have given over to just hating me. Anyhow, my life is in upheaval, and I could use a few solid, loving people near me... so, call?
Today, I was thinking about one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.... Ive rarely appeciated something so silly and simple so grandly.
I was living in my previous apartment. 'K' and I were dating.
It was a weekend evening, and i knew she was coming over. I recall that I had made dinner for the two of us, Fra Diavolo Penne if I recall correctly.
I lived on the tenth floor of a building downtown in Detroit, and attended CCS. I had gone to my window. I looked down to the guest parking below, only to see her car pull up.
She opended the door, and I could hear techno blasting.. all the way to the tenth.
Anyway; 'K' just got out of her car, and in the open parking lot, she began dancing wildly to her own music.
She did so for about ten minutes.
I never told her; but I was so overwhelmed with how adorable I thought she was, that I neglected my cooking just to watch the entire display of '"K's" inner child.. which is rare...
I almost tear up when I recall it.
She is long gone.. but i miss my gypsy-bot.
Once and a while, it still hurts.
I sure hope you are happier than I, my love.
I will not dare forget you... not a moment of you.
P.S: Cureelise is fucking great. SHe sent me the cutest letter while I was hospitalized. Thank you baby... its going in a scrapbook
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
i'm really glad that you made it through rehab and can see yourself doing better. one of my best friends gets out of rehab on monday. he's only 17. i can only hope that he is as strong as you are! in any case...good to see you back! i'll stop by more often to comment!!!