vassago

Two people have been very direct with me over the past week.
Both have given me these lectures because I had made attempts to ressurect friendships with them, and in their understanding.. I have failed.

I have lost a dozen people in my life these past 12 months.. maybe even more.
I couldnt see what was so ugly about me, or so evil, or so wrong that You each just kept shutting the door on me.
I knew that I had hid from some of you, and maybe it felt like rejection.. but I was hiding because i was preparing to kill myself.. You arent very social when such a state shares your mind. Im sorry for that, if my hiding hurt or affected any of you.


But the fact now is this; ive chosen otherwise.
Ive chosen the hardest path I could.. that which will ressurect a life worth living.

In so doing, ive tried to look over my past and see whom were genuine people in my life, and who were users and liars. Depression has clouded my vision and judgement so badly, that I sometimes cannot see the difference.

I know that there are a handful of you, some who will read this very entry, that I love very deeply.
You might be the people ive hid from the most, in certain cases.
Permanant goodbyes are hard.

However, in changing my direction, I have also chose to look for those i love.. and those that perhaps cared for me truly and might wish to have me back in your lives. So far, Ive found few who care at all to know me now.

I dont know what to do. In around 2 weeks time, I will be entering the hospital and medically detoxing from heroin/methadone. My year and a half long battle will be, essentially, over.
The withdrawls will be horrible, i know that.
In my case, Ive chosen to look at the event as a sort of "rebirth"... entering a totally new life of humility, understanding, sobriety, and change.
Everything for me will change, i think.

There are certain people, people in my life now (R, A), that I would give anything to bring close to me when I am clean and new. I want to be the person I once was, full of insight and humility and assurance for what I was.
And respect for those in the world around me.

In the past week, the lectures ive recieved have focused on the fact that I do not respect you, collectively.
I wish you could, collectively, see into my heart... because that has never been the case.
My addiction and the double helix it formed with nearly unbareable depression have kept me reserved, unmotivated, hateful, lonely, apathetic, selfish, and canstantly sad. When I have the strength, I cry daily.
In a word, pitiful.

I do not know how to tell you, collectively, about these things any better or more clearly right now.
If I make no sense, it is because I am trying to put the hideous fact of my psycho-emotional existence into words... which is insanely difficult.

If you are out there, and you once knew me well and cared for who I was, this entry is a note to you.
I say to you, that I am sorry. In my sadness, I have been a Pig.
On occasion, some of you have used me and horrible mistreated me. It was not righ to tell me you loved and wanted me, only to toss me aside for some other boy 1 day later. It was not right fuck my friend while you were with me. It just was't... for those of you that have abused me; I have no apology. I have allowed far too many human leeches into my life over this past 1.5 years, and I have let them drain far too much.
If you are one of these "people"... you know that and you know that you are not welcome near me again.
I was once a thing that forgave infinitely, that is dead. It was drained by "vampires".

The rest of you are beautiful. I fucked up by not doing my part to keep you close.
I dont know how to reach you now, collectively. I dont know how to tell you that I love you collectively and independantly and that I think of you daily and wish I could rip you from my past and bring you into my future to build something beautiful. I, Mika'il Josef-Dominic Fiorucci, heartfully and completely apologize for my vicious selfshness over this last year. I knew no better.

If you. independantly, can recieve this message and accept my apology... please do so.
If you have any interest in my life whatsoever, please just reach out somehow. I do promise to reach back and make things well again.
Someone I love(d) dearly once told me that sometimes too much ill can be brought to a relationship, damaging it so badly that it cannot be healed. I believed her, because she was God to me at the time. And, with her actions, thus was our fate.

I no longer believe her theory. It is flawed.
Not to be too sappy; but real love actually can overcome or heal anything.

That is why I know that if any of you care for this message I send, you will accept my apology, and wrong things can be made right again. In all of this rambling.. that is the essence of what I am telling.

I do love you.

Even if you do not reach out to me, and you do forgive me... please keep me in your heart in the coming weeks... these shall be more terrible and trying than any in my life so far, i think. I will be very much alone (save for a few wonderful souls) and in so much agony..
But this is what I choose. To detox, to live again.

I have so recently seen death... after so much deliberation, I choose not to follow her.

If you have read this all, thank you.
If you have forgiven me, you are a bigger person than I.
If you allow me, I will ACT to change what has been done.
Hell, i think Ive started with this letter, no?

Writing this has drained me.. I hope all of you, even those that have hurt me, are well and loved and beautiful and happy.
All of the things I have always wanted.