vassago

So, I am at this unique and critical point, i think.
I have spent the past few months pushing people away and losing myself to the slavery of my addiction. I have been totally subdued and defeated by the stress of my massive responsibilities and my savage lonliness and my self destructive obligation to please those in my life who have asserted some position of (self-declared)authority.

The situation has broken me. I have been cutting more than ever, i think. My body is covered in open wounds. It has all been way too much. The loss of K. and my clan was unbearable, and sent into motion a period of self-destruction that I am suprized to have survived so far. To continure on, i turned to heroin. It helped, for awhile. Then, almost overnight, the high stopped being a release, and I was a strung out addict.
I tried to get my life back on line by signing up in school, trying to forget my girl.
It didnt work. Under the weight of addiction, and horrible depression, school only becamne a source of severe stress and struggle. I wasnt ready for it.. I had become even more of a failure.
In my new found "single-hood" I found myself at the attention of soem new suitors. Also, too much, way too soon. I think that I have hurt some people, because I wasn't ready.. but I was way too confused and drugged out to even know that much.

So I started hiding. I began pushing everyone away. I stopped going out to bars or writing in online journals or calling my friends or doing the email thing. Even when I wanted to, I couldnt find the inertia to write back or go out.. I had trapped myself in my own fear and disgust. I blamed myself for everything that clan and K. did, and I have hated myself as I would an enemy. Here, like this, I have spent night after night either cutting or crying or shooting up. The entire time, i spent wishing for enough bile to actually go through with the full deal and just OD.

To me, that is exactly what my future was.

To make this worse, I have been pursued by a girl. When I met her, i didn't know what I was capable of for her, and I still don't. I suck, because my inability tortures her. She so much wants something with me, but i am in such a place of torment that I am in no way prepared to enter into another relationship.. my time with K. ended all of that business. It wouldn't be fair to her anyhow.. to spend my days at her side and my nights embroiled in dreams of a girl thaat trashed me.. who the fuck would ever want me like that?
I have tried to explain myself to this beautiful thing.. but her heart is her own, and she follows it ceaselessly.. (if I fail, I will miss her terribly after I go.)
Still, I am no good to anyone else if I hate myself like this. So, I have decided to take what space and time it requires to make myself comfortable, and carve it out for myself. I need it.
I need to find myself. I need to discover why K. hate me.. when I never did anythign to her.. I have to find a way to look at myself objectively; to see just what is ugly and what might be beautiful.
If I can find something to love here, I might find a reason to keep a beating heart, and a reason to reach out to a new soul.. one that is actually beautiful and who won't ravage me and leave me alone; if such a girl even exists.

So, I am looking, inward.
it is time to abandon cutting, to abandon crying, to abandon heroin. I will be free, or I will end myself.
By free, I mean that I will live so that every thing that comes of me is a decision (sp). No more acting out of fear or demand or obligation to another. No more acting out of addiction or self-hate or sorrow for my past.
My past is dead. if I don't find myself, my future is too.

as i move from here i invite your hand, as long as it doesn't hold too tight.

Tommorow (sp?), I will go to the Renn. fair. I have worked at it for the past 5 years, and I have some friends that I haven't seen in awhile.. It would be beautiful to catch up with them. Who knows, perhaps I might get a job around there somewhere.

Next week, I might consider to do a full detox.. to quit heroin and methadoen treatment completely. I will go through my sickness, and perhaps find a freedom on the other side of that little hell.

Dani has invited me to come stay at her place in the bay area.. I just might accept. A week in SF just might be what I need right now.. perhaps a decent reward for a successful detoxing?
hell, i have to find something to look forward to. Of the very few things left that make me truly happy.. the west coast is one of them. Truly, actually happy.

Last week, I caught 2 ApC shows; Detroit and Chicago. The Detroit show lacked something..it was something in the way maynard felt.,. it always seems that way when he performs in MI.
The Chcago show was great. The beautiful Paz joined the group on stage for 3 Libras, it brought tears. I went to that show with a Brooke, an amazing girl who just full of love and respect.
..there ares ome people i have to reach, to make things up to.. my hiding and all.

I want my fucking life abck, now.
I have let fear and self-loathing keep it away fro far too long. My time with a body is running so short now, I have to free myself and live again before I am just a waste..

I am going to be waking up soon.. be there to love me when I do?