not - a -LIE ??
It's been so long... too long.
I went to Luna tonight. I haven't been in a very long time.
I stopped there because I was in that neighborhood, I didn't want to go home.
I don't like sitting in my place all of the time with noone near.. it is starting to hurt way too bad.
I didn't really know anyone there, and i recieved a few foul looks.
I sat for awhile, I didn't dance, I didn't speak to anyone..
I left after an hour, though i didn't want to go home.
Nevertheless, home is right where Ive gone to. I haven't anyone to call up or visit anymore.
And this point is where I guess Im going. My once rich world, so full names.. is dying.
I spend most days without so much as a handshake, I never touch anyone. Many days I don't even speak to anyone at all...
I would give anythign to reach out to someonoe I knew, someone who really did give a fuck, but Ive wasted all of that. I speant so long in seclusion, mired in the nightmare of drug addiction... everyone that at least pretended to care is gone.
I dont know. I feel lost.
Im tired of my empty home, talking to myself.
there are days when i would suffer anything to be told I was pretty or to be held... or maybe even have a REAL conversation with someone.. some discussion about something bigger than money or lies..
And LIARS.. christ.
I do my best, ive tried to see the nobility in people.
And stupid monkeys, they do stupid things.
Everytime I reach out to someone new, they pull some self-defense/self-interest bullshit and lie or use me.. and this occurs way too often.
I even call someone in specific to mind here..
I wanted a little more than you are, maybe. You know your are walking full tilt right onto your own hell.. but i refuse to save you. I couldn't anyway. I can only give you an alternative that noone else ever could, and you threw that away.
I cant believe the pathetic bullshit that people are willing to pursue in the name of vanity. Your ego will soon kill you girl. I hope you enjoy your fall, it will be your last.
Tonight I will lie down alone, as always.
I will remind myself that I really am better than the lying, the drugging, the betrayals.
Then, I will probably cry.. being real and honest in this world is preculde to complete isolation.