trixel

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. When the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

-from the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear in Dune by Frank Herbert

K used to tell me I was tharn, a word from Watership Down which describes an animal freezing in fear. I would say I'm more of a runner than a freezer, but I've had my moments of tharn.

Once K and I were out roaming around at Bird Lake. We came to the waterfalls that separate Bird Lake from Tullabee Lake. The falls were swollen from spring melt and heavy rain. In order to continue on our path, we'd have to jump over a 4 foot gap.

He jumped easily and with no hesitation. I walked up and was mesmerized by all of the rocks I might possibly fall on. I pictured myself slipping on the mossy rocks and cracking open my skull. I stood there with K giving me encouragement, for likely ten minutes. It felt like forever. I felt completely undone by my inability to make the leap.

I remember how defeated I was when he had to come back and we took a long way around. Even though the sun was shining, the rest of the hike felt grey.

I have irrational fears too. I'm scared of being confined or put in a restricted space. I would be the worst submissive on the planet: how sexy is someone crying and peeing themselves?

I think this fear came from an incident when I was 8. My cousin P decided it would be a good idea to shove me in a dark closet under the stairs in the basement of my grandma's. He nailed a nail over the door and told me there were rats inside. I screamed and screamed but nobody heard me. I have no idea how long I was down there, long enough to go hoarse at least. My grandmother eventually found me. I was a quivering mess by then.

I'm slowly getting over my irrational fear of heights. I'm considering going to a climbing gym with my sister this summer. I think working in a warehouse and being forced to crawl across pallets in the rafters has mostly cured me of this fear.

I'm also fascinated with and afraid of electricity. I used to be obsessed with electrical sockets as a child. A few years ago when I contemplated suicide, I considered electrocution. I believe this all stems from my dad having large pieces of electronics open in the house. I saw him shock himself a number of times.

There are areas where I feel little or no fear. I love to travel by myself. New situations like that do not unnerve me. I crave them. I'd be scared of being told I'd have to do the same things and talk to the same people and go to the same places for the rest of my life. That would truly terrify me.

I am completely confident in my social skills and my ability to be able to start up an interesting conversation with anyone.

Oh, and I'm not scared to go to a movie or bar by myself! I actually prefer it.

So, fear: what haunts you and what have you conquered?