had so much fun last night... drunkin collage girls aside... i got to take my first-ever ride in a limo... it was amazing.. like riding in a space ship... a super-cool space ship that you make up when you're a kid.. with all the best gadgets and compartments for loot...glowing cup holders that could hold your laser gun...any second we could take off and fly out over the lake and into the stars... or we could hit 88 and be sent flying into the past like in back to the future... it was so great... i really think we should buy one for road trips... it'd be perfect.... mmm ... i like crystal light.. i just poured a packet if the raspberry kind into a bottle of orange juice... its good... damn good... i have now labled the bottle.. piskie juice... it is mine.. and i will not share... speaking of sharing .. my life partner has pissed me off agian... for like the fith or sixth time since ive gotten back.. he kicked me out again today... because im not making enough money... i dont think he quite realizes that while i may not be making enough money for him... i am making plenty for me.. and now that i am an experianced dancer.. i have the skills to go anywhere i want and be perfectly fine... shit.. esspecially if they happen to have a hustler club in the area... i dance for the best.. i can go anywhere... i could dance in europe if i wanted to... one of these days.. hes going to tell me to leave... and im going to be fed up... and i wont argue.... i wasnt going to argue today... i wa acctually going to have his cousin drop me off in the quarter and i wasnt going to come back... if i had to hitch a ride or steal a car i was going to get the fuck out of this city... i thought about it.. i called ronnie.. and he said he'd come get me and drop me off if i wanted... i said id think about it... i know that if i went to dance tonight i'd leave with someone... and i would never ever come back.... every night atleast five guys ask me o run awa with them... im sure atlest one a week is a serial killer... but... thats like one out of 25 or something.. so my odds are pretty good that id get a dumb one that'd get drunk and pass out leaving me plenty of time to jack their car and whatever money they have one them and get a good hundred miles out before i'd have to find another form of transportation.. like a bus.. or a train... i know how trains work... i could hop on a train to canada for $200... im sure they have strip club in canada... i could strip my way around the world... by the time my knees give out i could see everything.... its so tempting.. to run away and know that i could do it... ::sigh:: i really would have to wait for the winter though.. when i start having those $500 nights... this whole thing started because i siad id rather go to burger king because i didnt want to dance tonight.. my knees hurt.. my back hurts... i havent felt pretty all week... im sick of making shit money and having to work all night knowing that when i come home all im going to hear is that its not enough... you have any idea how difficult stripping is? physically.. mentally.... i dont drink or blow lines... so everything that happens there is something i have to just absorb.... and to be told every single night that its not enough.... even when he doesnt say it... i can tell hes thinking it... i think it.. i think it all night... i spend every second praying for just one more dollar so pants wont be dissapointed in me... so i wont let him down... but everynight i never get there.. i never make enough... i am happy with myself.. i am proud of the things ive done and the things i am able to do... im proud that i am a strong enough person that i can strip and not do drugs.... im proud that im doing what i can to take care of Mr.Pants and i and i managed to get the bills that were due on the first taken care of and still buy groceries.. ok.. the cell bill didnt get paid because it ended up be $100 more... but the car note was taken care of in full... and rent is going to be late...but it is going to grandma... and she understands this is hard... im going to talk to her and tell her about the extra hundred for the cell bill and about the hard time im having.. ill say im waitressing in the quarter at night ... and see id maybe we can cut a deal where i give her half now and half when we have it... i dont know... im not sure when mr. pants gets off work... and im honestly scared for him to come home... this is quickly crossing the line over into abusive... because im really honestly scared to have him walk in the door... i know he wont hit me or shoot me .... but i dont know if hes going to make me cry.. i dont know if hes going to make me feel bad about myself.. i dont know if hes going to change his mind again and tell me to leave... i just want to take a whole lot of sleeping pills and dissapear... dissapear so he cant hurt me.... thats not healthy... i hope he stops... this is going to do bad things to me.. and i'd gotten so much better. its almost like when i lived with my mom and dad and every day at four fifteen our house would get so cold... because my dad always came home at four thirty.... i had my room then... if i got to my room fast enough i usually was safe... i have no where to hide here... maybe i should claim the guest room... that room creeps me out... but maybe if i put sme posters and a tv in there.... my art stuff... it wouldnt be that bad... i dont know.. i pray this stops.... all im really thankful for right now is that i dont have a kid and that i have plenty of birthcontrol to last me till i have money.... ronnie just called... he's scared for me.. he doesnt want me to be hurt all the time... he asked me how much more can happen before the breaking point... i siad i dunno.. im really stubborn... he asked if i wanted to go out with them tonight... they're going to kellys though so i'll pass... i siad that they're more then welcome over here... he siad they're having a get together for kelly since he's leaving in a few months for somewhere.. i hope he's moving... (kelly is a he) ... ok.. tv.. then clean the house maybe? .. he might get mad at me if i clean though.... since he said he'd do it after work.. and if i clean now he might think that im doing it so that he cant... i suppose i could call... its ringing.... no answer... maybe he'll call back... we'll see... he has my beef jerky in the car... i could leave right now... then i wouldnt have to be scared of him comming home... alright... why should i stay? there has to be a damn good reason that im not going to walk out right now... other than because i love him.. cause i love me too... and he love for myself is whats telling me to leave... i have faith that he is a good person .. and that he's is just entirly too stressed out about starting collage and that he's not venting any of it in an attempt to not hurt me... thus hurting me even more... he's possibly tring to repress any anger he's feeling.. or frustration.. because he really wants to work things out with me.. he acknowlges that this relasionship is benificial for both of us... but he is concerned he may be getting the shorter end of the stick... he is failing to see that he harbors no ill will towards me and he can not pin a target for his aggression because he has no one to be angry with but himself... and he really shouldnt be angry with himself either... i knew things would get worse towards the collage date... i wasnt sure how exactly they'd progress.. but i knew it'd get bad... he still feels guilty about our past.. and he is slowly admiting to himself that guilt but he remains unable to admit it to me... so... how firmly do i belive that collage is going to be the answer? the start of collage is going to remain a little ruff... i have faith .. complete faith that he will do extreamly well in collage... but i think untill his grades are posted its going to be kind of choppy... he will be excited to be learning new thing.. he will feel the pull of his life moving somewhere he will have set levels to distinguish his advancement.... ::ding ding:: thats what he's missing now... like a video game.... theres no levels... he cant see the progress... he needs a list of short term goals.. maybe a list of monthly goals... family project? would he take me seriously if i asked him to do this with me... we both write down a list of goals... one per week... i stick it to the front door.... the front door happens to be magnetic... and when we acheive those goals... we check it off... if you dont compleate the goal.. you dont get to do the next one... say little things like... organizing the closet... calling in the car insurence money.. vaccuming the whole apartment... not just the living room... hanging a picture in the spare bedroom... for matt.. just making a picture for the spare bedroom could be a goal... cleaning out the car... getting all his electronic stuff in one place... we'd have to both make a list... for me i could put down things like... make four hundred dollars this week to put towards bills.. then i could have another that says.. make twenty dollars this week to get a functioning bra... or.. hang up clothes... wipe down tables with windex... not really a to do list... but real important things we have to get done... say we write down.. spend an hour walking down lake front thinking... that'd be great... and then at the end of the month.. there would be an actual piece of paper showing what we accomplished... as school starts.. matthew could add projects to his... alright.. im staying because though this is painful... it is also a challange that i feel we can overcome... in the last five years i've yet to be wrong about us being able to make it through something... so we have adult problems now to go with our adult relasionship... we can take it... we make a really good team. and as long as im never helpless... he cant hurt me that bad.
More Blogs
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1
Monday Aug 07, 2006
ARGH!!! the computer is sick! Mr.Pants will fix it after work tonight… -
0
Saturday Aug 05, 2006
::yawn:: we woke up not to long ago... weird dreams.. about schools..… -
2
Friday Aug 04, 2006
had so much fun last night... drunkin collage girls aside... i got to… -
2
Thursday Aug 03, 2006
i saw a girl being beat by her pimp tonight... i asked her if she wan… -
2
Tuesday Aug 01, 2006
well i just woke up about five ...ten minutes ago.. im hungry... and … -
3
Monday Jul 31, 2006
PORNO FOR PISKIES! well that was dissapointing.. the DJ gave me a por… -
3
Sunday Jul 30, 2006
Drag show at the pub! we're heading up there in a bit... but yea... t… -
1
Sunday Jul 30, 2006
SOMEONE GIVE ME DRUGS! ... i hurt.. everywhere.... i took tonight off… -
2
Friday Jul 28, 2006
im sooo sleepy.. i hope someone comes in tonight and gives me money..… -
3
Wednesday Jul 26, 2006
i smell... eeew...
Your life is WAAAAY too short and WAAAAY too important to be spent putting up with people who abuse you in ANY fashion. Period. End of story.
You have the not just the right but the responsibility to life the best life you can and that does not include abuse, whether it be physical or mental or emotional. Put a stop to it now. If you can't put a stop to it, leave. I don't pretend to know you or know your situation but I _do_ know that your life is far too precious to put up with that sort of bullshit. Seriously
Think about this. Make a decision today, right now, to live the life you dream of.
+wf+