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snakeplissken

Member Since 2002

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Wednesday Dec 28, 2011

Dec 28, 2011
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So 2011 is coming to a close, as the years tend to do. Frankly, I'm glad to see it go as this one was rough on me. It began with me in the grasp of a one sided relationship with someone who either didn't love me enough or want me enough to return the effort I put out. I didn't recognize things for what they were as I wore the blinders of love. Or maybe it was just that I wanted someone to care for me so much I tolerated the mistreatment. Whatever the case it hurt me a lot, hurt my life, and robbed me of my energy.

All did was spend my time trying to figure out why things were how they were, and that kind of life whittled away at my mind and exasterbated the problems I've always had. Eventually it broke me and I had a nervous breakdown. While such a thing was terrible to suffer through led me to a crossroads. I had to choose between living in misery or getting help. I choose help.

That help turned out to be what I've needed all my life. Since then I've confronted a lot of my anxiety issues and I've worked hard to undertake the growth I've sorely needed. I'm not cured of anxiety, but I'm not nearly as crippled by it as I used to be.

But in getting treatment and getting right I've had to face all new things. The realization that my loneliness is my own fault is one of them. Another is that I don't really know how to function well socially is another. Some that know me well might find that hard to believe, but the fact of the matter is that I just learned how to fake it well. I have a lot to learn and even more to experience.

But it hasn't all been bad. I've accomplished a lot. I've met and exceeded a lot of my fitness goals and done things I never thought I could. Running a 5k was just one of them. Getting out there and dating and meeting new people has been another. That may seem minor, but given the fact I've been crippled by my fear of inadequacy, rejection, and failure most of my life I find it something to be very proud of. Waking up to the fact I have value to others, even those I didn't know well, is another shot on the arm I've needed. It's helped to move me towards finding value in myself. I'm glad for that.

What this coming year holds for me I don't really know. Hopefully I'll come to find satisfaction in myself. Hopefully I'll find someone to love me and give back to me as much as I give out. I worry that will never come along for me, but I think it will if i have patience, even if it hurts in the meantime. I just have to stay the course.

I hope to keep getting better at my craft as well. I'm always the last to compliment my own efforts, but I can say with certainty that I'm becoming a great brewer who makes great beer. I feel like I've found my talent and my niche. Now I just need to start making the transition from amateur to professional. That's a big leap to make, but I'm becoming confident it's one I can make. That's something that makes me happy to say because in 32 years of life I've never really been confident in myself in any facet. That alone proves how I've changed.

The best thing about this year has been finding out that I've got a lot more friends out there than I knew I had. That gives me the warm fuzzies and is just the ammunition I need to stay the course and fight the good fight. So if you've had my back in this last year of shit, know you're loved.

As for 2012, bring it the fuck on. I'm ready.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
thefreak:
You know, there's a multitude of jokes that could be had with a comment like that. I'll leave them to MS.
Jan 2, 2012
mistersatan:
Oh god, that must HURT after a rack of beer.
Jan 12, 2012

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