snakeplissken

I tend to be a person who gets very attached to plans or notions of events, be they small or large. All of my friends and loved ones are very far from me, as they always tend to be, so generally I'm living my life alone and have been for many years. So when I get the opportunity to see someone I care about I get my heart set on that moment because those things are what keep me going, what keeps me sane.

When I was a kid I was perfectly happy being alone. I actively sought it out. I spent hours on end in libraries, savoring isolation in the rows of books and quiet time to myself. I had friends, but mostly preferred solitary time pursuing solitary arts; reading, drawing, and writing.

But I'm not a kid anymore and as the years go by I prefer my own solitary company less and less, but I find myself unable to correct the situation. Embracing my introversion in my youth stunted my social development and now I just don't know how to not be alone. It's getting harder as the years go by, but I don't really know how to correct it. I don't know how to make friends or meet people and I'm becoming more and more terrified at the notion of remaining alone.

I'm afraid that one day I'll be an old man, dying in some sterile hospital room and it won't matter to anyone. That's my greatest fear.

Or at least has been. I think for once my life might be headed in a direction where I don't have to be afraid of that anymore. There are obstacles, but I don't think they'll matter. Nothing will keep me from her, and once I'm there nothing else will worry me.