the more i
read the more i
withdraw the more i
want to curl tighter into myself,
like a pangolin defensively coiling and waiting until the threat dissipates, or disappears....
i want to move away from me
to somewhere remote, maybe
uncharted, and cut myself
off.
i'm exhausted from this exercise in futility
this famously fatal
inescapability, this twisting and
turning, swirling and circling...
the
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i used to want to travel. i used to think i would someday live the life of anthony bourdain, visiting distant countries, eating spectacular food, and meeting fascinating people. then life happened. depression happened. hospitalizations, crippling debt, and a lost sense of self-worth have lead me to a place where i only leave my small apartment for work and when my family/friends force me to.
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"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"
watching this show. yeah... this seems like a good idea...
"there's only one person that gets to be sickened by me... and that's me"
my mom used to talk to me after she died. she doesn't anymore. or, she hasn't in so long i can't remember the last time. i miss her. my brain uses the opportunity to whisper in my ear that her silence is judgement. i've got no reason to disbelieve that. i've been alive more years without her than i had with. i'm not yet as...
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since i refuse to be with anyone, i think this quote speaks volumes...
i'm fed up with being poked and prodded, scanned and surveyed. i'm grateful for having a steady job that pays well and offers health insurance, i really am. after a year, i finally got myself out to use the insurance and went to doctors to get things checked out and updated. i'm tired of it now. when you pull the curtain back after ignoring it...
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ok, so i get to work from home every now and again. usually i put itunes on shuffle and work my day away with the music in the background. for the past couple of weeks though i have taken to having the tv on as my background noise. i try to keep it on shows that i like listening to but that i don't necessarily...
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