ok seriously don't read this...im tired...i'm cranky...i think too much...but this is what's in my head.
the feeling of being in limbo all weekend is now replaced with hatred. i still had a good time this weekend but it feels like i couldnt be myself because a little part of me was staying behind just in case. and now she isn't even coming at all...
my tummy hurts. i know my body is just making up for last time and i'm really really feeling like crap this time. my ugly tattoo is itching like crazy. i want so badly just to scratch it..off. i know that wouldnt actually happen but i just cant stand how she looks now. and that's not right. tats are forever. i am supposed to hate them like in my 60s and look at it and smile cause it looks funny all wrinkly and think about the kind of girl i was when i got it....im not supposed to hate it now...while its still healing. i dont hate the picture itself...just the work the lady did. it sucks. there is just too much crap going on. i have been trying really hard to not let all of it get to me but thats starting to wear off. i cant believe she asked me for money around tax time. its great that she gets some tax return money but being in the situation i am in..especially now that i'm married..i might have to pay money. and yet she wants a new car. one thats better than mine and she wants me to help her get it. why so she can run off and leave her baby at home? so she can go crash this one too? this is my very first car. yeah it has some dings and scratches but it's the only one i have ever had and i don't think she is deserving of a new car at all...especially since she already has one! it just makes me mad sometimes. i feel like i give too much of myself to people and they turn around and just take advantage of me. why cant people think of others. all they ever do is think about themselves. it still pisses me off that she asked me to house her so she could "start over" and leave her child just sitting at home fending for itself. is she insane. i would love nothing more than to be a mom right now! and the fact that years of anorexia has probably left me with a chance of not even being able to carry a kid while she is off partying leaving my grandmother to watch the baby makes me sick to my stomach. and thats another thing. i don't know if the bio clock is ticking or if its just that some people in my family have new babies and i am around them constantly but i am really really wanting to have a child. i want one but at the same time i am afraid that i am just wanting one for selfish reasons. like do i want a baby because it would be something new? do i want one because everyone else has one and i'm just jealous? is it because i'm afraid i can't have one? is this just hormones talking? i am also feeling pretty freakin worthless in my marriage right now because i don't feel like i have anything to offer the relationship. dave is working to support both of us and working damn hard and i am just sitting at home watching tv or talking on the phone all day. i feel like such an asshole. i haven't even been really trying to get a job either. which makes me feel like more of an asshole. i mean i reckonize that there is a problem here and yet i just keep going on like nothing is wrong..or is it that i don't care? no i do or else i wouldnt be feeling so guilty. i am so confused also. i dont know whats going on in my head. i am saying things that i should be saying. i am doing things that i shouldnt be doing. im feeling like a criminal. fiona eat your heart out. or you know mine. i am incredibly horney right now..ick i hate that word.. and at the same time the idea of sex or rather an orgasm (call me crazy) isn't appealing right now...so basically that leaves me wanting to give someone/anyone some oral right now and not get anything in return except some major sexual frustration. i hate this time of the month. im not happy with how i look or feel. i feel so lathargic and it takes me forever to fall asleep. i know i am out of shape and i know what i have to do to get into shape but then again im totally lazy and dont feel like driving a block to the college and jumping in their pool. just playing around in the pool would be good for me but alas i'm lazy. i find myself wondering what exactly im on earth for? other people have there life calling figured out..they are great at something. i am pretty much good at nothing..just mediocre. in fact that would be the word i would use to describe myself. i'm not drop dead gorgeous, but i'm not ugly..just kinda in the middle. im a 6 or maybe at the most a 7 out of 10. and that's how i am at everything. i am not exceptionally good at anything. i don't have something that i am interested in doing for the rest of my life. i don't have the disipline to sit down and make myself pick something and stick to it. i tried college and i ended up losing interest. i thought about beauty school, or teaching...hell the only thing that i think i might be good at is being a mom but then again what if i am just like my parents...they were just mediocre too. they werent spectacular parents. i learned more by myself then what they taught me. most of the time i just felt like they held me back. and now i feel like i am doing that to dave by not helping out. i'm totally weighting him down. i'm tied around his ankle and i'm slowing drowning him. and one of these days i am afraid that he is going to come up for air without me. fucking itchy tattoo! ....i am pushing someone else away when all he has ever done is be a good friend to me. and why? because i found someone else to fill his shoes? what kind of friend does that make me? again ive said some things that i shouldn't have. i have been busy these last couple of weeks but i haven't been that busy and most of the time i just feel like hes being too clingy...im not your girlfriend...although i haven't been much of a friend friend either. i have been totally unfair. that isn't like me at all. i usually value a friendship more than i feel others do. people who arn't even very good to me i consider at least somewhat of a friend. i am generally very kind to those around me. and yet what im i doing all this for? to impress someone else? i feel so two faced. then again i am two faced. we all are...we all have multi sides of ourselves..the work side. the friend side the family side. the side only our spouse sees and sometimes these bleed into one another and sometimes they are completely separate. but there is always contradiction and we are constantly putting our own foot in our mouths. god im probably rambling. this is what happens when its late and i am letting things marinate too long in my head. that and im going through a tough one this week.
the feeling of being in limbo all weekend is now replaced with hatred. i still had a good time this weekend but it feels like i couldnt be myself because a little part of me was staying behind just in case. and now she isn't even coming at all...
my tummy hurts. i know my body is just making up for last time and i'm really really feeling like crap this time. my ugly tattoo is itching like crazy. i want so badly just to scratch it..off. i know that wouldnt actually happen but i just cant stand how she looks now. and that's not right. tats are forever. i am supposed to hate them like in my 60s and look at it and smile cause it looks funny all wrinkly and think about the kind of girl i was when i got it....im not supposed to hate it now...while its still healing. i dont hate the picture itself...just the work the lady did. it sucks. there is just too much crap going on. i have been trying really hard to not let all of it get to me but thats starting to wear off. i cant believe she asked me for money around tax time. its great that she gets some tax return money but being in the situation i am in..especially now that i'm married..i might have to pay money. and yet she wants a new car. one thats better than mine and she wants me to help her get it. why so she can run off and leave her baby at home? so she can go crash this one too? this is my very first car. yeah it has some dings and scratches but it's the only one i have ever had and i don't think she is deserving of a new car at all...especially since she already has one! it just makes me mad sometimes. i feel like i give too much of myself to people and they turn around and just take advantage of me. why cant people think of others. all they ever do is think about themselves. it still pisses me off that she asked me to house her so she could "start over" and leave her child just sitting at home fending for itself. is she insane. i would love nothing more than to be a mom right now! and the fact that years of anorexia has probably left me with a chance of not even being able to carry a kid while she is off partying leaving my grandmother to watch the baby makes me sick to my stomach. and thats another thing. i don't know if the bio clock is ticking or if its just that some people in my family have new babies and i am around them constantly but i am really really wanting to have a child. i want one but at the same time i am afraid that i am just wanting one for selfish reasons. like do i want a baby because it would be something new? do i want one because everyone else has one and i'm just jealous? is it because i'm afraid i can't have one? is this just hormones talking? i am also feeling pretty freakin worthless in my marriage right now because i don't feel like i have anything to offer the relationship. dave is working to support both of us and working damn hard and i am just sitting at home watching tv or talking on the phone all day. i feel like such an asshole. i haven't even been really trying to get a job either. which makes me feel like more of an asshole. i mean i reckonize that there is a problem here and yet i just keep going on like nothing is wrong..or is it that i don't care? no i do or else i wouldnt be feeling so guilty. i am so confused also. i dont know whats going on in my head. i am saying things that i should be saying. i am doing things that i shouldnt be doing. im feeling like a criminal. fiona eat your heart out. or you know mine. i am incredibly horney right now..ick i hate that word.. and at the same time the idea of sex or rather an orgasm (call me crazy) isn't appealing right now...so basically that leaves me wanting to give someone/anyone some oral right now and not get anything in return except some major sexual frustration. i hate this time of the month. im not happy with how i look or feel. i feel so lathargic and it takes me forever to fall asleep. i know i am out of shape and i know what i have to do to get into shape but then again im totally lazy and dont feel like driving a block to the college and jumping in their pool. just playing around in the pool would be good for me but alas i'm lazy. i find myself wondering what exactly im on earth for? other people have there life calling figured out..they are great at something. i am pretty much good at nothing..just mediocre. in fact that would be the word i would use to describe myself. i'm not drop dead gorgeous, but i'm not ugly..just kinda in the middle. im a 6 or maybe at the most a 7 out of 10. and that's how i am at everything. i am not exceptionally good at anything. i don't have something that i am interested in doing for the rest of my life. i don't have the disipline to sit down and make myself pick something and stick to it. i tried college and i ended up losing interest. i thought about beauty school, or teaching...hell the only thing that i think i might be good at is being a mom but then again what if i am just like my parents...they were just mediocre too. they werent spectacular parents. i learned more by myself then what they taught me. most of the time i just felt like they held me back. and now i feel like i am doing that to dave by not helping out. i'm totally weighting him down. i'm tied around his ankle and i'm slowing drowning him. and one of these days i am afraid that he is going to come up for air without me. fucking itchy tattoo! ....i am pushing someone else away when all he has ever done is be a good friend to me. and why? because i found someone else to fill his shoes? what kind of friend does that make me? again ive said some things that i shouldn't have. i have been busy these last couple of weeks but i haven't been that busy and most of the time i just feel like hes being too clingy...im not your girlfriend...although i haven't been much of a friend friend either. i have been totally unfair. that isn't like me at all. i usually value a friendship more than i feel others do. people who arn't even very good to me i consider at least somewhat of a friend. i am generally very kind to those around me. and yet what im i doing all this for? to impress someone else? i feel so two faced. then again i am two faced. we all are...we all have multi sides of ourselves..the work side. the friend side the family side. the side only our spouse sees and sometimes these bleed into one another and sometimes they are completely separate. but there is always contradiction and we are constantly putting our own foot in our mouths. god im probably rambling. this is what happens when its late and i am letting things marinate too long in my head. that and im going through a tough one this week.
VIEW 23 of 23 COMMENTS
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Your journal entry is a little sad and disheartening but so honest and full of life. I love it.
I relate (as I think the rest of your friends who read this will) to so much of what you've said here and I take comfort in the fact that while everyone is a fraud ... I'll freely admit to it. Being human is being flawed. It's a wonderful thing.