Today I woke up in a bad mood.
A few minutes ago, when I made myself get out of bed (after sending bills, going shopping for essentials, going to the bank, and missing work, then going home to kill myself).
For some reason the word, "star-child" kept ringing in my head. Just a couple of days ago, I spent all day with an older friend of mine who is just now discovering mysticism. She was telling me about star children. The word immediately clicked with me. That night, as we were sitting on her patio under the stars, I looked above me and saw a twinkling star that gave me such a surge of power, helplessness, awe, and sublimity that I felt like crying. She told me about a friend of hers who is my age. Talli said her friend was profound and intuitive. "It's funny that her father used to talk about the stars when she was a child, just like your father did. Isn't that something?" I sure thought that was something. Those conversations with my dad were so meaningful to me. He's not bright, he's slow, attention deficit, thoughtful, withdrawn, and at times wise. I never realized that he would plant seeds of an interest in archaeology, aliens, ancient people, and the spiritual world in me. At the age of six, my life suddenly just went backwards, and I couldn't figure out what it was. 'That was when we moved from Germany to Augusta, Georgia and when my mother became serious with Jehovah's Witnesses. Talli and I believe there was some bizarre reason why we became JW's. They did restrain us. They tried to mould me into some cookie cutter person that I never wanted to be. Then I grew restless, creative, and rebellious.
I'm 26 years old now. I've never been able to pinpoint what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. I have five years of college education. For the past two years I've been sending resumes left and right, going to interviews, blah blah blah, dating this person and that, leaving and quitting jobs, moving almost every six months. . .Sometimes I think I'm crazy. I have put down my love of writing for a year now, because I was afraid. . .of what i might say perhaps. . .afraid that in the act of writing, I would somehow discover what my nature is. . .or some clue about who I am. That's a big mystery!
I don't know what to do. So why would I want to kill myself? (before I have really lived my life, travelled, married, raised children, all the bull crap everyone else does that means living, work that damn job from day to day to create a nest, a retirement, to raise angry confused children, to have a marriage go sour, to look for friends to stay with you until the end, and then you just die?! That's what I don't get. As I get older, everyday I hope that that's not what life is about. And seeing my parents live like that saddens and angers me. And seeing so many others like that makes me want to tear the world apart and say, "Okay, start over again. Hey, listen, you're never going to get anywhere if you just don't treat others how you want to be treated, if you don't listen and be still."
I've always had these weird scary feelings about stillness. Sometimes I feel the universe inside of me and it scares me. It helps me realize, is it how small I am, or I'm not alone, or is it something we're supposed to feel? Do you know what I mean? Like voices all around you, calling you, speaking to you, touching you. And I know there's something out there, but I can't see it. I'm not ready to because it's scary.
Susan
A few minutes ago, when I made myself get out of bed (after sending bills, going shopping for essentials, going to the bank, and missing work, then going home to kill myself).
For some reason the word, "star-child" kept ringing in my head. Just a couple of days ago, I spent all day with an older friend of mine who is just now discovering mysticism. She was telling me about star children. The word immediately clicked with me. That night, as we were sitting on her patio under the stars, I looked above me and saw a twinkling star that gave me such a surge of power, helplessness, awe, and sublimity that I felt like crying. She told me about a friend of hers who is my age. Talli said her friend was profound and intuitive. "It's funny that her father used to talk about the stars when she was a child, just like your father did. Isn't that something?" I sure thought that was something. Those conversations with my dad were so meaningful to me. He's not bright, he's slow, attention deficit, thoughtful, withdrawn, and at times wise. I never realized that he would plant seeds of an interest in archaeology, aliens, ancient people, and the spiritual world in me. At the age of six, my life suddenly just went backwards, and I couldn't figure out what it was. 'That was when we moved from Germany to Augusta, Georgia and when my mother became serious with Jehovah's Witnesses. Talli and I believe there was some bizarre reason why we became JW's. They did restrain us. They tried to mould me into some cookie cutter person that I never wanted to be. Then I grew restless, creative, and rebellious.
I'm 26 years old now. I've never been able to pinpoint what it is that I'm supposed to be doing. I have five years of college education. For the past two years I've been sending resumes left and right, going to interviews, blah blah blah, dating this person and that, leaving and quitting jobs, moving almost every six months. . .Sometimes I think I'm crazy. I have put down my love of writing for a year now, because I was afraid. . .of what i might say perhaps. . .afraid that in the act of writing, I would somehow discover what my nature is. . .or some clue about who I am. That's a big mystery!
I don't know what to do. So why would I want to kill myself? (before I have really lived my life, travelled, married, raised children, all the bull crap everyone else does that means living, work that damn job from day to day to create a nest, a retirement, to raise angry confused children, to have a marriage go sour, to look for friends to stay with you until the end, and then you just die?! That's what I don't get. As I get older, everyday I hope that that's not what life is about. And seeing my parents live like that saddens and angers me. And seeing so many others like that makes me want to tear the world apart and say, "Okay, start over again. Hey, listen, you're never going to get anywhere if you just don't treat others how you want to be treated, if you don't listen and be still."
I've always had these weird scary feelings about stillness. Sometimes I feel the universe inside of me and it scares me. It helps me realize, is it how small I am, or I'm not alone, or is it something we're supposed to feel? Do you know what I mean? Like voices all around you, calling you, speaking to you, touching you. And I know there's something out there, but I can't see it. I'm not ready to because it's scary.
Susan
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Hav you seen him in Damage? with Juliette Binoche...god it was intense.
I am glad you replied...I always hope I don't creep people out when I am like...want to meet me in person? some people prefer only the safety of the screen and keyboard.
Funny, I haven't "met" anyone off the internet since high school either. I didn't even touch a computer for about 4 years while I drugged and fucked my way from Chicago to New Orleans. But since I moved here, I have graduated from college and the college thing (and being a graphic designer) kinda made me use the computer a bit more...plus my best friend is absolutely in love with this site, so I checked it out.
To be honest, I am on the computer all day long working and often come home to work on it again at home, so this whole thing about "playing" on the computer does not really appeal to me much. But I do like Suicidegirls. It is worth it to go ti everyonce in a while.
Hey where is your picture?
And what part of Atlanta do you live in?
I live between L5P and East atlanta. Very good positioning indeed!
Also, what is your degree in?
XOXO
and no, the koreans don't scare me all that much...hahaha...i'm much bigger than them. for real, though, the country is very homogenous and frighteningly nationalistic, to the point of feeling themselves racially and culturally superior, but i've found the people friendly, open, honest and generous. i really can't complain about my treatment.
as for the job...well....they always try ta fuck ya, but that's just how it goes. i get paid a lot to do not much with the cutest kids around.
no complaints. so email me, i'll get you a job.
dave