I am sitting in my car right now. I was let go from work early since i was the first in today as well as i am going in early tomorrow because of the colts game. But i dont want to go home.
I went into work with a good mood going. Then as soon as I walked through the door I was angry. I didn't want to be there at all. I tried to perk up. But inside i was raging. I cant shut my mind off. I cant curb my emotions. But i can fake it for the most part.
It seems like the only place i feel good is at the hospital where i volunteer. But i feel like a hypocrite. I have written about 8 of the notesofhope for Riley Children. But i cant encourage myself to change my mood. To be hopeful for myself. To care about myself.
The only time my anger and self hatred doesn't flare is playing with those kids. Painting with them, laughing with them, drawing, crafting, ... why cant i feel worth outside of trying to get these kids yo smile, laugh, or forget the horrible bullshit they are going through. I feel small. I feel like i am selfish for hating myself when these kids face harsher shit than I do.
Why cant i be happy with myself? Why cant i see myself at all? All i want to do is drive away and never look back. The best part of my life died in 2004. Volunteering brings me peace until I leave. Then i find myself back into the dark chasm of my mind and anger.
I feel like i am in a secluded spot, away from everyone and everything. I am sitting in the middle of this space. And my only desire is to set fire to this place and let it burn down around me. And i hope that i burn with it.
But i have my pup. She needs me. I have the kids at Riley. I can pretend that I bring something of value to their lives. But i could be replaced in either. Is that all my worth?
I am a hypocrite for encouraging hope when i cant find hope for me at this time. I cant care about me at this time. I certainly don't love myself. Can these kids find hope in a hypocrite? Can they see a future reflected in my dull eyes?
I dont want to go home
