I have been thinking alot about death lately. My own mostly. I have wondered who would be effected by my passing. Who would mourn. Who would show to the funeral or wake. And I have no legitamite answers. I have always been someone on the fringes of the shadows. You see me, you recognise me, you talk to me. Once I am gone from sight, I am forgotten. I once invited my whole hockey team to go kayaking for the day and grill out. It was also my birthday, but I didn't advertise that. 2 out of 15 players came. We had played together for 10 years all the while I was team captain organising tournaments and end of season cook outs. 2 guys.
Last year one of our teammates died while I was in the hospital. I got in contact with the family and let our team know all the arrangements. Chris was well liked but out of all out hockey friends only 7 people came to his wake. No one but me came to the funeral. Chris was teacher of the Year. He changed jobs and became a supervisor for UPS. He went back to school to become an engineer in his late 30s. He did all those things and I was the only teammate who showed for the funeral. In his whole funeral tgere were only 17 people and 7 were his family. I unintentionally made his mother cry twice. The preacher asked if anyone wanted to speak. I was the only one.
I have come to realise that I leave nothing tangible here on earth. I have made little difference. I have touched few. It feels like I have caused more pain in people' lives than anything and that haunts me. If I were gone, the earth would rotate, the sun would rise, and no one would give a second thought that I was not there.
My sp each at Chris's funeral brought both laughter and tears to his mother. The day before at his wake, his brothet was trying to finalize who would carry the coffin. I had checked out of the hospital against my doctors wishes to be there so I offered to be a pall bearer if he needed. His mother thanked me and said she wasn' sure if 6 woukd be enough to do it. I replied " well you will need two to carry that man' heart in itself". It was the first time she cried. At the funeral, there was so much I should have said, that I wanted to say. I hope when I die, someone will feel these words about me.
"When we are young, our vision is vast and panoramic. We can see far into the distance and our lives are as vast . But as we get older, our visions and priorities narrow. Like looking through the periscope into the future, to see where we want to go we begin to losee sight of the tremendous world around us. Our sight gets narrower as we see our future destination. Chris wasn' like that. He continued to twist that scope wide to see the beauty of life with arms outstretched. He didn' want to pinpoint a destination but leave the world wide and open with many adventures in front of him. As I look through the lens of my future, there will always be a wrinkle in my vision. A reminder to me that I can' see that part of this beautiful world without his vision to open mine. There will always be an imperfection in my distant future because he is not there."
May my tombstone read. " Jonny had his demons. May they pursue him no more."
