Tonight was the first night working with Stefany again after her not speaking to me the last three weeks out on medical leave over my scalded foot. Stefany and I had a thing. She brought me out of my shell that I built around myself. It all started with her asking me about my opinion on American Gods that I was reading. We began to talk. She would stick around when she got off work to wait for me and we would walk and talk more. She was so easy to talk to and confided in. Stefany is married and I didn' think that there would be any risk of anything. I just liked that someone was interested in my opinion, my interests, my life. She gave me her number, actually put it in my phone herself. She found me in Facebook. She found me on Instagram. She looked at me with a look in her eyes I had never really experienced. One that she was genuinely nterested in the real me. One night she walked me back to my truck and we talked. She said that she would walk home at 12:30am downtown Indy so I offered her a ride. We parked outside her apartment telling life secrets or almost an hour. Then I took the greatest risk and the most damning action and I kissed her. In that, I felt like a teenager again, tgat life was laid bare before me and all my bullshit of my life was no longer there. I was no longer a skinny brittle diabetic with a shattered heart and lonely. After that kiss she said "if you ever want to continue tgat, you let me know!" She wasn' fazed by my awkwardness. She wasn' fazed by my impotence. She wasn' fazed by my low self value. She made me feel human. She made me feel real. And I fell for her. Three weeks ago she backed off and backed off quick promising me that we could talk and hang out but always finding away to be busy and rarely replying to my messages. She became even more distant after i scalded my foot and was told by my doctor to take a medical leave.she told me to take it and tgat thing were good between us. She stopped returning texts and ignoring messages. Yesterday she messaged me and told me that we went to fast to quick. Blamed me for falling for her. Said she was overworked and exhausted. Tonight broke my heart as I tried to work. I saw the gleam n get eyes as she talked to everyone around me but when she greeted me, her eyes were blank. I failed. I failed life. I failed being human. I failed being more than i will ever be. My only alue in this world is as a chef and tonight i failed that to. Fuck my life and the shattered beating heart that keeps me in it.
