I failed. Very long blog

6

Tonight was the first night working with Stefany again after her not speaking to me the last three weeks out on medical leave over my scalded foot. Stefany and I had a thing. She brought me out of my shell that I built around myself. It all started with her asking me about my opinion on American Gods that I was reading. We began to talk. She would stick around when she got off work to wait for me and we would walk and talk more. She was so easy to talk to and confided in. Stefany is married and I didn' think that there would be any risk of anything. I just liked that someone was interested in my opinion, my interests, my life. She gave me her number, actually put it in my phone herself. She found me in Facebook. She found me on Instagram. She looked at me with a look in her eyes I had never really experienced. One that she was genuinely nterested in the real me. One night she walked me back to my truck and we talked. She said that she would walk home at 12:30am downtown Indy so I offered her a ride. We parked outside her apartment telling life secrets or almost an hour. Then I took the greatest risk and the most damning action and I kissed her. In that, I felt like a teenager again, tgat life was laid bare before me and all my bullshit of my life was no longer there. I was no longer a skinny brittle diabetic with a shattered heart and lonely. After that kiss she said "if you ever want to continue tgat, you let me know!" She wasn' fazed by my awkwardness. She wasn' fazed by my impotence. She wasn' fazed by my low self value. She made me feel human. She made me feel real. And I fell for her. Three weeks ago she backed off and backed off quick promising me that we could talk and hang out but always finding away to be busy and rarely replying to my messages. She became even more distant after i scalded my foot and was told by my doctor to take a medical leave.she told me to take it and tgat thing were good between us. She stopped returning texts and ignoring messages. Yesterday she messaged me and told me that we went to fast to quick. Blamed me for falling for her. Said she was overworked and exhausted. Tonight broke my heart as I tried to work. I saw the gleam n get eyes as she talked to everyone around me but when she greeted me, her eyes were blank. I failed. I failed life. I failed being human. I failed being more than i will ever be. My only alue in this world is as a chef and tonight i failed that to. Fuck my life and the shattered beating heart that keeps me in it.

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user8992:
I think that sometimes life especially with lust can happen very fast especially when a void is being fulfilled. Then often times reality hits. That person realizes what they have done and perhaps she's not in a position where she should have etc.. or went to far and didn't mean too. In no circumstance do I see this as you failing sweetheart. Besides you have your own to sort as well. I've had things come up and many moments as you know where I so badly wanted someone to save me.. help me.. heal me but truth be told I didn't start getting better until I started to deal with myself and realized only I can be the one to save myself. There is no failure just moments in life that challenge us to do better or make changes so we feel better. Once we start on ourselves we can then be better for others or attract better.. the universe doesn't give you what you want it gives you things that you need because it's pushing you to be the person it knows you can be. But we can't let good or new things in until we deal or let go of the old things. You are your ticket to success and happy. The shitty part is I know we both had major struggles from the time we were little. We have to work extremely hard just to be where some others comfortable just are. This doesn't make them successful our levels are all based on our own experience. Fill your social media feeds full of things you love and help you feel good. Surround yourself when you can and practice kind speech to yourself especially. You are what you feed your mind hun. Be wary of your words because you are far more wonderful then you allow yourself to be. If things don't work out with someone it does suck but that means there's something else there. Sending big hugs and much love & light đź’š
lornasharp:
I'm sorry you had some difficult times too, but I believe it can go better with time don't you think ? Thanks for your support by the way (and yes he meant emotionally ^^)

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