IN 2009 i was diagnosed as being diabetic. Initially this was not scary to me at all. "Diabetes is a disease that a ton of people live with, no big deal" i thought. I told my boss ,Mike, about my being diabetic and my cavaliwr attutude made most around me to not take it seriously. I mean if i didnt, then why should they? I made a game of driving my boss crazy by hiding candy and mountain dew around my work station. It wasn't until I checked my sugars against his ( mine:HI / his:122) that reality set in for him and others in our kitchen. Suddenly candy and soda were no longer funny to them.
i still had a cavaier attitude. Even aftet i moved to Germany and lost 80 pounds in 3 months. I was still cavaliet when my toxic family made me move back to the states because of going from 205 to 130 in that time. I went from a healthy young man to having the frail body of an 80 year old man. I went from a size 37 waist to a 27. You could see my ribs through my back.
I was cavalier with my health even after i came home. Insulin was the salvation. "I can eat anything as long as i took insulin", or so i thought. And so i did. Drinking over 5 gallons of liquid a day. Peeing a liter and a half at a time. I felt weak and shakey in the 300s for my blood sugar. My doctors wanting me to shoot for mid 100s and i am throwing up and lethargic at 275. WTF?
the scariest part is that i can never be the man that i was. I use to never get sick, and if i did i could sleep for 24 hours and be fine. That is no more. I would eat like a horse, was strong as on ox, had the energy of three people... no more. I have not weighed above 137 in 6 years. I still work my body as if i weighed 205, but my recovery, if i recover takes so much longer.
Every day i see a deterioration of myself. Numbness in my feet and hands. I use to love getting a massage. Now to deel anything touch my skin from my shins down makes me want to scream. I went and got a foot massage last month. As she began rubbing my feet, i almost did the backstroke off the table. I had to get up and leave.
The point of all this is that diabetes is terrifying in so many aspects. And it translates into every aspect of my life from work to family to recreation to love. Love is the worst. Because of diabetes i have E.D. Its not easy to have a sexual relationship with someone, because even if we talk about it, i explain everything just short of a PowerPoint and puppet show, to see the pain in a womans eye as she asks " is it me? Am i doing something wrong?" It just crushes my heart.
I have never been married nor do i have any kids. How fair is it of me to ask a woman to build a life with me if i cant promise that i will be healthy for her and give a beautiful future. Or provide kids if she wants some. My semen may be only that i can get Aunt Jamima or Mrs. Buttersworth pregnant.
When i was 205 pounds all i wanted was to be trimmer, more athletic. To lose some weight. This is my monkeys paw.
Diabetes is the scariest part of my life. There is nothing to me more terrifying. The rub of this blog is: take care of yourself. Be healthy for you and pay attention to your body. You are worth so much in life. Dont short change yourself. Be as wonderful and beautiful and healthy as you can be for you.
