piracy

life with a kid is beginning to make sense to me.

i think it's masochism.

from one pov, having a baby that you don't want is utterly stupid - and since i can and "have a right to" undo the mistake, undo the accidental life... lets not be euphemistic: KILL THE FUCKER, probly i should.

another pov is that abortion is murder

my personal pov is - murder doesn't bother me much.


another pov is that having a kid would...
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the idea of a universe that makes sense, doesn't.

try and imagine it. boggles the mind!

here's a ferinstance: two months ago, my life was beginning to make sense, i had reached a fairly stable place (for me) and was being very healthy, phyically and mentally.

one month ago, i found out i was going to be a dad. life has since ceased to make...
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what the hell are army points? how did i get some?

i'm writting a goddamn college entrance essay.

5 pages, and i'm trying not to bullshit.

i've barely got half a page.


i've got a baby on the way, say 75% chance.

i'm planning to be in school and working with a baby for about nine months, after which i'll just be working and in possession of a small person.

i have no salable skills.

this...
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dear sg,

i thought i would have time for you, but i have none, as yet.

fortunately i bought a whole year. so soon we'll be back together.

tumescent,
bradley

really shouldn't post rants written while freaking out a 330 am.

but on the other hand.

what the fuck ever.

evidence of a multilayered mind: possible evidence of outside/psychic/other influence.

sitting here in the dark beating on my head, thinking about my baby's mama and how i'm really emotional right now, thinking about how she's given me no choice in whether we're having a baby, since she says she "can't handle" having an abortion, how she's gettinga rich and sane (+/-) family, and i'm getting...
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my dreams were becoming intense, before i reimmersed in bad town.

i was meditating, some in the forest, some in the garden - which are totally different things - meditation of stillness and meditation of steady labor.

i was reading tales of occult power, and the science, strategy, practice of chaos.

life was elevating towards a powerfull and unique place, then i was brought back...
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i'm working on recovering from overstimulation.

junk food makes me feel dirty, and sg doesn't make me feel lonely, it just brings those feelings to the surface..

and who can really tell from lonliness, anyways? probly it isn't even lonliness that i feel, but despair, or hopelessness, and what's the difference, whether which i feel or the dif. between them anyways?

i could make that...
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there's something about being on sg that makes me lonely and want attention.

also:

i may be a dad-to-be.



it's one of those news/potentialities that mostly eclipses EVERYTHING ELSE.

so when i try to think of something to say, that just gets in the way. and FUCK i'm sick of talking about it...

no offense to the little kid, but i'd rather he weren't coming just now.

and it's true, so true, i wasn't doing anything more important...
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