It's hard for me to feel comfortable being successful. I am still overcoming my weaknesses. Particularly my drug addict.I have let myself ruin my life and the lives around me for to long. Far to long. I made a choice to never let that happen again. I made a choice to turn away from everything I enjoy. I made a choice to work a regular job for a living. I made a choice to make my life mine again.
Right now, all I have for income is labor systems. A temporary job service. It puts 70 bucks in my pocket everyday. But I spend it everyday. I live with my parents again, for the moment. So I kick my dad gas money, buy a few meals for us all, and buy my medicine, Marijuana, and I work a little around the house. That's more then I was doing before I got kicked out.
I only have 2 goals for my self atm. Stay in town and stay out of trouble. It is unwise and not right to do drugs at my parents house. Thus drugs are the biggest factor. I won't do any while I am here. It keeps me out of trouble. Second, I am putting off fixing my bike till I know when I am going to work this weekend. This keeps me in town. So I have successfully limited my options and attained my own goals.
The way I am doing things, it just makes me mad, sad and rarely glad. I am holding back doin that wich I desire. The very things that have made me, Me. I need the change. At the same time, how do I cage the rage. The rage from beginning a new book, seemingly unable to get past the first page.
Time. It really hasn't been that long. Two or three months at KFC before I got kicked. Two almost three months in the hot Arizona dirt, under a tree. And a couple few weeks back at my folks house. I am in wait mode. If I go to work now I will make to much pocket money. Thus creating more temptation. However, if I limit my daily cash to three days a week, then I will only have enough for my self and my family.
It is hard making the choices I know are best for me. I do it all for the greater good. I know what is coming for me, success. Financial independence and an apartment. These are things I can not over prioritize. I must do everything I can to achieve these things. For it has been far to long. I should already have these things and more. I known this. So even if I have to sacrafice everything I am, it will be worth it. Not only to finally get my life together, but also because this is a challenge I can no longer back down from.
