I have come to know my addictions, as being more than a simple feeling of overwhelming urges to get more. i have learned that my addiction is/has/will always be apart of me. if i deny my addict completely then i will lose, just like i have lost all the other times. i see now, the past 8-10 years, that my addict must be embraced as part of me but not accepted as "who i am", simply apart of who i am. what i mean is, i am a sex addict, drug addict, alcoholic, a habitual slacker, these are just the clearly evident ones. Each one of these addictions "forces" me to act a different way, the same way each time, but a different way for each thing. This brings me to my theory that, addiction is a "thing". a thing that lives, grows, learns, everything it needs to know in order to get whatever it wants. it has been inside me since i came into being. and it will be with me till long after i am gone. so here's the thing, why fight me? even if i do not love myself, or have any hope for anything, i am still me, me can be anybody, and i choose to be me.
Addiction as a whole acts the same in pretty much every circumstance. in other words, if my addict wants to smoke it all up in one sitting, then that is what it will do every time i get anything. if my addict can't stop at just one girl, then that's what my addict will do every time i am with a girl, and so on and so forth. Many people i have seen, let these addictive traits grab ahold of them. i know i have let my addiction get the best of me many, many, many times. Which is why i have contemplated on my addictions and have simplified the addictions process. my addict is addiction, addiction is an addict. i am not the addict, my addiction is the addict. this does not alleviate me in any way of taking responsibility for my actions. but it does bring meaning and a sense of understanding to my addictive personality.
From this complex, i have gain the ability to, quit smoking cigarettes when ever, for however long i want, I have gain the ability to really see if the relationship is going to work by taking sex off the table in a relationship, this has not fared well however, still i have gained the choice to put sex aside for the better of life. I also quit alcohol and won't drink again. These strengths, traits, this abundance of will power, it is part of what sparks my interest in the unknown. for i had no idea at first, that i was able to walk into a drug house, and do no drugs. that was empowering to me because i was a big drug user, out of control even. Another empowering moment was when i first turned down sex. i wanted more, she said she wanted more, i suppose neither one of us understood what was happening. i was a very horny sex addict so this was very empowering to me.
These things i speak of are not for everyone, though they can be applied to everyone. these things are not easy, without help it took me 15-20 years of my life, to even begin to really understand these complexes. with help, i think i could have gained these strengths in about a year or so. this is the reason why i want to exploit these things. things that people may have never thought of before, certainly these are not things that i hear ANYONE talk about. I choose to talk about these things, because i choose not to neglect these things that, as a whole, is keeping society, myself included, in a "box". i am not talking about the specific examples i have given pertaining to my life. i am talking about the idea that we are in control, we choose to lead our addictions, we choose to have more, we choose to be free. whether we realize it or not, we may be chaining ourselves to something, if we break those chains, the possibilities could literally be endless.
