finally, sweet relief! anyone ever suffer from ennui? loosely defined it is apathy. but i think it is an actual human (psychological?/emotional?/spiritual?/physical?) condition. and i feel myself coming out of it. the best way i can describe it is as being a spectator in your own life. living with no set goals or purpose; just living because you're not dead. let me tell you, it is a horrible existence.
now, no set goals and such is pretty debateable, because there is purpose in living in the moment.
but for me, it is difficult. i get caught up in things. i live in the moment to the extent that i forget what year it is at times. i've caught myself flinching from my daydreams. so if i let that get out of control, i lapse into ennui.
so, goals and purpose are sometimes necessary for me. and i've finally gotten to another place in my life where they are easily defined and approachable. things are falling into place....
or are they?
right as i am getting my plans finalized and my life back in motion, my familiar enemy raises it's head.
money.
in order for my plans to unfold i am required to move, back to east tennessee, and attend school. i will be going to a much lower income and i will have to give up a good deal of comfort (and complacency) in going there. but doing so will enforce the fact that i am back in control of my life and therefore, make me happy.
but, all of a sudden, the money i have saved up is being taken away by unexpected expenses. new monthly bills that will quickly drain away my account.
here's the quandary:
if i stay in my current position i will be able to make the bills, i will be making better money and i will be comfortable.
if i leave and move back to tennessee i will be significantly poorer, have a harder time making the bills. but i will be in control of my life and not simply watching it go by, therefore happy.
so which do i choose? comfort? or happiness?
thoreau said that he went into the wilderness to "live deliberately". i think that you only really learn what that means when you can forgo the easy, passing through life way, and choose instead the harder way, where you take an active role in how your life is going to be.
even though it's going to be hard, and suck, i still want to live deliberately.
now, no set goals and such is pretty debateable, because there is purpose in living in the moment.
but for me, it is difficult. i get caught up in things. i live in the moment to the extent that i forget what year it is at times. i've caught myself flinching from my daydreams. so if i let that get out of control, i lapse into ennui.
so, goals and purpose are sometimes necessary for me. and i've finally gotten to another place in my life where they are easily defined and approachable. things are falling into place....
or are they?
right as i am getting my plans finalized and my life back in motion, my familiar enemy raises it's head.
money.
in order for my plans to unfold i am required to move, back to east tennessee, and attend school. i will be going to a much lower income and i will have to give up a good deal of comfort (and complacency) in going there. but doing so will enforce the fact that i am back in control of my life and therefore, make me happy.
but, all of a sudden, the money i have saved up is being taken away by unexpected expenses. new monthly bills that will quickly drain away my account.
here's the quandary:
if i stay in my current position i will be able to make the bills, i will be making better money and i will be comfortable.
if i leave and move back to tennessee i will be significantly poorer, have a harder time making the bills. but i will be in control of my life and not simply watching it go by, therefore happy.
so which do i choose? comfort? or happiness?
thoreau said that he went into the wilderness to "live deliberately". i think that you only really learn what that means when you can forgo the easy, passing through life way, and choose instead the harder way, where you take an active role in how your life is going to be.
even though it's going to be hard, and suck, i still want to live deliberately.