Around this time two years ago, I was moving into a house with my partner. I thought we'd live in that house together for the rest of our lives. And on one hand - truly a blessing, I think, that that's not the case. On the other hand, it's a little unsettling to be moving into a new apartment, alone, after thinking I finally had some stability in my life.
It's not a bad thing. I'm always reassessing what success and happiness mean to me, and this situation isn't different. I felt successful when my ex and I bought our house. Home ownership is a big milestone, and I thought there were some other big relationship milestones in our future. That made me happy. But in the high of hitting those milestones, I was blind to a lot of red flags in our relationship, and didn't realize how they correlated with a lot of other ways in which I was, and had been, deeply unhappy.
There is so much less certainty and stability in my life right now. I have no big standard milestones waiting in the wings to get checked off. I'm in about the worst financial situation I've ever been in. And yet. And yet and yet and yet. I am somehow happier than I have been in years. And right now, that feels like success.
I hate to be that person who calls their ex an asshole - I think that often lacks self-reflection. Relationships take two. But also, hindsight is a bitch. And in hindsight....even if not intentionally, I don't think my ex always treated me well. Little things. Not wanting me to hang anything up in the house, because posters or other things I liked weren't "real art" according to his standards. The one room I got to decorate was a corner in the basement. Shushing me in restaurants or out in groups with his coworkers, because he thought I was too excitable. Shutting me down when I asked for advice because "I deal with that by just not worrying about it." Not wanting to share activities with me, but vocally resenting me if I did activities on my own or with friends instead of him. Telling me I emasculated him if I didn't let him do things for me, but getting annoyed at me if I didn't take care of things on my own. And on one hand - he went through some significant health issues several years ago which led to a big personality shift, so I do sort of understand where things came from. I truly don't think his behavior was intentional. But on the other hand, I've since spent a lot of time wondering if he ever actually liked me.
I've also spent a lot of time feeling like an idiot for putting up with any of that for as long as I did. But remember - hindsight is a bitch. And before he was sick, things weren't like that and it was hard to see how things were shifting in the moment.
And of course, we still have to (temporarily) remain in contact as we're working through the process of selling this house together. And that has often been tense, at best.
But overall, while I miss the house and the (assumed) stability, I don't miss him.
I'm going back to renting, but I'm excited to have a place that is "mine" - to decorate as I want, to hang out with whomever I want, to do what I want. To live simply and happily. To spend time with friends who value me and treat me kindly.
Nothing about where I am right now is what I expected for this period in my life and on paper it doesn't seem like much. But I am happy, genuinely. Happy at a bone deep level. Happy in ways I didn't even remember how happy could be.
There's an e.e. cumming poem that starts "I who have died am alive again today" and well, yeah.
