Eleven months later and I've made it to the intermediate level of my practice -- I can now start practicing forms. The test yesterday lasted an hour, but it was a grueling hour.
I've never thrown harder technique -- I wish envisioning my elbows breaking ribs, my heito connecting devastatingly with someones temple, or a collarbone splintering under the force of my knifehand. And still, Sifu barked for "more power" or "pull that kick back faster" and "I want the kick to be one noone would want to get hit with."
It was a lesson in humility. I wanted to quit. I thought I was going to pass out. And then I got my second wind -- I think my liver sugars started kicking in or whatnot. And just in time for side-kicks, one of my favorite techniques. And I fired them off. At least I thought I was. And then the test was suddenly over -- the hour had passed. But there were still some kicks we had yet to perform... what about our crescent kicks? Or hook-kicks? Was Sifu taking it easy on us? I wasn't going to have the power, but I'll be damned if all my concentration isn't on technique. I felt sort of cheated. I felt like I had more to prove to myself.
Now it was time to read our papers. Sifu said this was more important than technique.
So I read the paper I wrote the previous night:
The mind controls emotion. Erase the writing from the slate and put the chalk aside. Your practice is a passion is a gift one given to you, and one you give to yourself. Close your eyes and focus on the mind's eye, breathing in from the secatunda and breathing out from the secatunda. Acknowledge that which comes into perception, but do not linger. "Choiceless awareness" as Krishnamurti called it. Focus on the circular nature of the breath focus on the circular nature of being.
That is, at least, my understanding of Kung Fu and martial arts in general its nature is its manifestation in the circular, of Yin and Yang. It is everywhere and in everything, yet it is not always personally evident. One of the first things I found that I truly love about the Art is when I do find it. There is a certain joy in realizing the circular in a punch, kick, parry, or a combination. Maybe I cant replicate the circle right away as I see or feel it, but I know that it is there. More importantly, I know that through my patience and perserverance, and most importantly, through my dedication, that eventually my coordination will catch up with my head. And yet, one of the most amazing parts of my practice, one Im still grasping with in terms of understanding, is that with each step I take, new aspects of the Art reveal itself. Previous realizations concede to a better form, to a better function, to a better realization. That is to say, with each new step I take towards developing a truer understanding of the art, I feel the everpresent larger circle tightens. With each tightening of the larger circle of my practice come new smaller circles contained within my practice. And discipline of the mind becomes more and more crucial. Meditation is the key. But I always knew it was the key maybe not explicitly, but my foray into Buddhism and meditation a few years back nudged open previously unknown doors. Kung Fu & the Martial Arts happens to have busted those doors wide open.
Life has become my practice, but my practice is not my life -- my practice is the guide to my life. The physical aspect acts to build the ego and the spiritual aspect simultaneously acts to destroy the ego. It is creation out of destruction it is destruction out of understanding understanding is creation. Importantly, these are not stops along on the side of the road the road itself is the goal, and the road extends your entire life. To wit I find it an interesting and new dichotomy to feel my confidence grow simultaneously with my sense, my need for humility. I feel healthier, and admittedly, look better than I ever have. One of my hobbies, one I dont do nearly enough, is mountain biking but when I have biked this year, I found I could bike harder and farther than I ever could before. This is a given, but it no less feeds into my confidence, especially when I have friends far more serious about the sport. Im also more than aware of not letting such thoughts go to my head. I realize I must be on my toes and not let confidence blur the lines with arrogance. Arrogance only clouds the mind and impedes judgement.
But the path has been far from easy. It is still a constant battle to overcome even the most of modest personality traits, like my overwhelming shyness, or my tendency to put off the unpleasant until the last second. Yet Im not letting my fears prevent me from seeking out my true path. Hence my decision to eventually forsake the security Ive become accustomed to and go as far into the field of study of Anthropology as I can, which is where my true passion lies. Of course, I have moments of uncertainty in such a major decision restructuring a life is a daunting task, especially when security is the casualty. Im a firm believer that one of the most difficult of tasks to overcome is culture. While I find that certain values and norms I was raised with are no longer relevent, they are still everpresent and still act to shape the way I think. It takes a mindfulness only achieved through constant vigilance and meditation. And yet, I find myself grounded in the reality that, as Sifu has hammered into us, it is truly more important to live my life for myself. My practice could end tomorrow, but in this, I will forever be grateful.
I've never thrown harder technique -- I wish envisioning my elbows breaking ribs, my heito connecting devastatingly with someones temple, or a collarbone splintering under the force of my knifehand. And still, Sifu barked for "more power" or "pull that kick back faster" and "I want the kick to be one noone would want to get hit with."
It was a lesson in humility. I wanted to quit. I thought I was going to pass out. And then I got my second wind -- I think my liver sugars started kicking in or whatnot. And just in time for side-kicks, one of my favorite techniques. And I fired them off. At least I thought I was. And then the test was suddenly over -- the hour had passed. But there were still some kicks we had yet to perform... what about our crescent kicks? Or hook-kicks? Was Sifu taking it easy on us? I wasn't going to have the power, but I'll be damned if all my concentration isn't on technique. I felt sort of cheated. I felt like I had more to prove to myself.
Now it was time to read our papers. Sifu said this was more important than technique.
So I read the paper I wrote the previous night:
The mind controls emotion. Erase the writing from the slate and put the chalk aside. Your practice is a passion is a gift one given to you, and one you give to yourself. Close your eyes and focus on the mind's eye, breathing in from the secatunda and breathing out from the secatunda. Acknowledge that which comes into perception, but do not linger. "Choiceless awareness" as Krishnamurti called it. Focus on the circular nature of the breath focus on the circular nature of being.
That is, at least, my understanding of Kung Fu and martial arts in general its nature is its manifestation in the circular, of Yin and Yang. It is everywhere and in everything, yet it is not always personally evident. One of the first things I found that I truly love about the Art is when I do find it. There is a certain joy in realizing the circular in a punch, kick, parry, or a combination. Maybe I cant replicate the circle right away as I see or feel it, but I know that it is there. More importantly, I know that through my patience and perserverance, and most importantly, through my dedication, that eventually my coordination will catch up with my head. And yet, one of the most amazing parts of my practice, one Im still grasping with in terms of understanding, is that with each step I take, new aspects of the Art reveal itself. Previous realizations concede to a better form, to a better function, to a better realization. That is to say, with each new step I take towards developing a truer understanding of the art, I feel the everpresent larger circle tightens. With each tightening of the larger circle of my practice come new smaller circles contained within my practice. And discipline of the mind becomes more and more crucial. Meditation is the key. But I always knew it was the key maybe not explicitly, but my foray into Buddhism and meditation a few years back nudged open previously unknown doors. Kung Fu & the Martial Arts happens to have busted those doors wide open.
Life has become my practice, but my practice is not my life -- my practice is the guide to my life. The physical aspect acts to build the ego and the spiritual aspect simultaneously acts to destroy the ego. It is creation out of destruction it is destruction out of understanding understanding is creation. Importantly, these are not stops along on the side of the road the road itself is the goal, and the road extends your entire life. To wit I find it an interesting and new dichotomy to feel my confidence grow simultaneously with my sense, my need for humility. I feel healthier, and admittedly, look better than I ever have. One of my hobbies, one I dont do nearly enough, is mountain biking but when I have biked this year, I found I could bike harder and farther than I ever could before. This is a given, but it no less feeds into my confidence, especially when I have friends far more serious about the sport. Im also more than aware of not letting such thoughts go to my head. I realize I must be on my toes and not let confidence blur the lines with arrogance. Arrogance only clouds the mind and impedes judgement.
But the path has been far from easy. It is still a constant battle to overcome even the most of modest personality traits, like my overwhelming shyness, or my tendency to put off the unpleasant until the last second. Yet Im not letting my fears prevent me from seeking out my true path. Hence my decision to eventually forsake the security Ive become accustomed to and go as far into the field of study of Anthropology as I can, which is where my true passion lies. Of course, I have moments of uncertainty in such a major decision restructuring a life is a daunting task, especially when security is the casualty. Im a firm believer that one of the most difficult of tasks to overcome is culture. While I find that certain values and norms I was raised with are no longer relevent, they are still everpresent and still act to shape the way I think. It takes a mindfulness only achieved through constant vigilance and meditation. And yet, I find myself grounded in the reality that, as Sifu has hammered into us, it is truly more important to live my life for myself. My practice could end tomorrow, but in this, I will forever be grateful.